Thursday, December 30, 2010

6 reasons to love Bjork

Yes it had to happen at some point-Bjork.

so let me start, in fact let me show you six reasons why you should LOVE Bjork:

1- 'all is full of love'.. amazing film clip directed by Chris Cunningham!!Spooky, sensual, Some obvious imagery, but still stunningly done.

2- 'Pagen Poetry'. One of my favourite Bjork songs and an interesting clip as well.
'I love him, I love him... He makes me want to hurt myself again..'(Don't do it girl!! no man is worth it !!) 

3- 'Triumph of a heart'. Film clip by Spike Jonze. The song itself is made using only sounds from the human mouth. Trainspotter fact- In the scene running through town, Bjork did really hurt herself and left the mark to make it more realistic..  talk about suffer for your art!!!.. p.s. if you like cats you’ll love this clip !!

4- 'Come to me' (Live). She is so good live and this is a great arrangement, including Tabla and someone playing the glasses!!!!
Lyrics like-"you know that i adore you, you know that i love you, so don't make me say it, it would burst the bubble, break the charm''.. wow.... !

5- 'Hyperballad' (Live). Great live version of this awesome track!!! with lyrics like 'it's real early morning
no-one is awake, i'm back at my cliff, still throwing things off, i listen to the sounds they make, on their way down, i follow with my eyes 'til they crash, imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks....
and when it lands, will my eyes, be closed or open?'

6- Last reason is -Michel Gondry !! Bjork and Michel are a brilliant team as the clips for 'Army of me' and 'Bachelorette' highlight. Forget the movie 'Inception's' idea of  layers of dreams within dreams... Bachelorette does the idea of layers within layers brilliantly and in only 5 mins!! and 'Army of me'. well that just ROCKS!!!

Six very good reasons to love the lass.. enuff said!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Poofter Drinks

A mate (Bob Zurunkle) emailed me a receipt from 8 years ago... yeah I know.. who keeps such things??? - accountant's, nerds and hoarders... oh and maybe an obsessive -compulsive personality type...
Anyway, his email was titled : 'At least it was in the Outback, and eight years ago!'‏

I am not sure what is worse, those outback bogan's using such an offensive term as 'poofter', or the purchase of a drink such as 'Bacardi Breezer'...sheesh!!!!  buy a real drink at least!!!

** Update30/10 /2011, ok, it now has come to light that this was something sent to my mate Bob,
Not his actual receipt.. Jeez.. can you trust anyone these days? ;-)

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Its six am Christmas morning, I can’t sleep. I have been tired for weeks.  I went to sleep at 12.30am last night/this morning. I can’t think of any reason as to why I can’t sleep.. and then I do. It’s Christmas morning and I am excited. 

Yes! You read right, It is Christmas morning and excitement fills me… not the same excitement that once filled me as child… ‘what will Santa bring me this year !!!’ , which became the ‘did mum and dad get me the ‘… ‘ I really wanted and had been hinting at these past few months?' This is a different kind of excitement.  This year I am excited about giving. 

Every year we give cards to others  because it is socially expected -‘I better not forget a card for Sven at work, even though I don’t talk to him’ etc. We buy gifts because again, it is expected. That is not to say that we may not take pleasure in the buying and giving, but realistically… how many of the gifts we buy are like this?, compared to those that feel like a chore to decide upon and find/purchase? 

These past few months I have been a bit flat due to a few things in my life, but this morning… this morning something changed. This morning I awoke with a realisation. Santa does exist. I am Santa, we are all Santa. For the first time in a long while I smiled before I got out of bed.  

It sounds clichéd, but the joy of giving is wonderful.

In a few hours time I will give someone a gift that they have neither asked for nor hinted at. In fact, this person would never dream of asking anyone to purchase this item for them, they would just do without, or manage on hand me downs. It is something they need. They have been working hard at learning to use this item and their hard work and perseverance have brought them far. If anyone deserves to own this item, it is this person. I know they will cry with gratitude when they receive it and the thought of this makes me teary even now. This is what being Santa is really about. Not piling gifts onto the ungrateful or greedy, but giving to those in need and to those who deserve it. The joy is in seeing their surprise and gratitude. In knowing we have done something that has made a difference to them.  That has made them feel loved, appreciated and part of something bigger. 

Enjoy your christmas day, may much joy be shared and may good will and love fill our hearts.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What good is a life?

What good is a life

spent yearning,

for something that will never come?

What good is a life

spent mourning,

that which never was?

What good is a life

doing anything but

standing on it's own,


and with


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Recent experiences in the world of singleness.

Mr New Yorker..

Recently I was a standing in a crowded tram on my way home and saw this man that gave off a gay ‘vibe’. So… I checked him out and had that experience where I wasn’t sure if I thought he was cute or not… so was doing that ‘Hmmm.. are you cute or not?’ occasional check out . Soon a seat appears and I take it. Very quickly this man I was checking out gets off his seat and moves around into my new line of site… and checks me out.. ok... I can now clearly see him from head to toe and...Ekkk !!!! he was wearing what looked like leather pants !!! So I did what was obviously the right thing to do in this situation.. which was to ignore him. He soon zoomed over and sat next to me, did an occasional sideways look in my direction whilst reading a magazine.. which I glanced at.. and thought ‘Hmmm, ok this is a mainly text filled magazine.. not many glossy pics’.. he gets some points for that… (yes I am a snob!).. But then he places the magazine on his knee closest to me and keeps nudging it as if to get my attention…he is reading ‘The New Yorker’ Magazine… Now I just want to call him a poser... however, I am interested in how much the magazine costs, so I scan the cover and notice a sticker from the Melbourne City Library!!! Yeah.. don’t loan magazines to use as pick up props !!!!! That’s very lame…. A borrowed work of literature is fine to use as a pick up prop... but something like ‘The New Yorker’ or ‘The Wall Street Journal’, that is a no-no.

Mr Viking

Recently I meet a nice young man, who has a Scandinavian background and very early on in the conversation said that his Viking roots led him to want to rape and pillage. At first I thought this was a misplaced attempt at humour… but then he mentioned how he drinks a lot and when he drinks he gets randy and wants to fuck. Yeah.. so I didn’t need to ask what his hobbies were, because I could kind of already guess. If I wanted to be raped and pillaged I’d get myself incarcerated…When it comes to dating, call me old fashioned, but I think of nice intimate moments and mutual sharing.

Mr R who was really Mr V

Ahhh the curious case of Mr R who was really Mr V.

I little while back I met a man called Mr V for coffee. He was lovely, we chatted and kept in contact, some flirting went on and we talked about meeting up… and after considering how messy this might get, I decided the best thing to do was to keep this as a friendship.

We had met through an internet site… and I noticed that he had deleted his profile on it a short while after we had met. Recently an almost identical profile has appeared, almost identical user name, same height and stats, same type of work, same geographical area and same photo (which is close up of a part of his face). I mentioned to Mr V, ‘oh your back on line?” he denied this.. I thought he was taking the piss..after much questioning from me, Mr V went on to say that it wasn’t him, that it sounded like someone was stealing his identity (and he would need to investigate this further) and, he was really getting annoyed that I didn’t believe him.

So I did what any sensible person would do… and I messaged the man on the Internet- soon to be known as ‘Mr R’. Over several messages/chats Mr R and I flirted and it was suggested that we meet up. At the same time I was also chatting with Mr V, who kept denying the whole thing was him… I did notice that they both were away for an extended period at the same time , one said he was away on business, the other said he was very ill. I took this opportunity to ask Mr R if he watched much TV, in particular Seinfeld.. he replied that he did not watch much TV. I shared with him how much I love Seinfeld,especially the episode where George lies to his ex-inlaws about a place he has in the Hampton’s (I think), and even though they know he is lying they want to see how far he will take it… so they accept an invite to his Hampton’s place.. and George knows that they know he is lying, but just takes it as far as it will go, including picking them up and driving them out to this non existent ‘place’… Mr R, said that he didn’t watch Seinfeld, but knew the episode….. and he continued to chat and talk about a meet !!! What choice did I have but to see how far he would take this….to cut a long story short…things are now at the point where, Mr V hasn’t said hello to me in ages, or retuned my messages or calls… and Mr R.. well, he is now not talking to me, because he claims I dobbed on him to his ‘cousin’, whom he said that he had stolen his profile pic from (the close up facial feature) yeah… I know… Its all a bit fucked up and crazy.. and I obviously have nothing better to do than to spend time on it… A bigger man would have just walked away early on.. but, I am only 5” 7.. or 6, I am never sure... so obviosuly i am not that 'bigger' man..... errr unless 'bigger' means weight... height/weight ratio.. cause I have put on some weight recently ..which might now make me the so called 'bigger man'.. in which case.. I should have just walked away....

Anyway...when it comes to my recent experiences as a single man, in a nut shell:

Mr New Yorker is a poser

Mr Viking is a rapist

And Mr R is really Mr V, unless it is really the other way around and Mr V doesn't exist at all and it was Mr R all along.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the complexity of friendship and the honesty of individuals

What do we expect of our friends? 'Expect', it's such a harsh unforgiving word,  I keep thinking of that phrase-'expectation leads to disappointment.' But it is a part of our language and I guess it is a learned cognition or thought process.. it is an entrenched part of daily life, expectations are everywhere... but let us steer away from a rant of societies sad reliance on expectations (and the laziness of it).... and let us also move away from how i much prefer us to be zen-like and approach each person and event with a clean slate (tabla rasa)... without expectation....but who among us can do this always?, I know I cannot.. but again i rant....let me return to the topic of friends...

Friends, they are there for us, but should we expect them to be? Friends/partner.. how do they differ?... well except from the obvious difference of 'sexual intimacy' (but then the concept of 'friends with benefits' blurs that once obvious boundary), there is intimacy  between friends, there is love, trust, a shared history... When it comes to partners I have always said that our partners are not our one-stop-shop. That we cannot expect our partners to be everything to us, lover, companion, friend, confidant etc...what about our friends? Surely this would extend to them as well?

In ye olden days, yes, the good old days when we lacked a certain standard of hygiene, 3-D cinema and affordable 4 star hotels.. yes, before urbanisation, we were surrounded by extended family and this large group was made up of people who fulfilled different social and emotional functions and 'shared the load', we all did. Now days we live in tiny rooms, in cities of anonymity. Our circles of friendship and trust seem smaller and we seem to rely on less people for more.  We seem to burn out those around us, our partner's and our friend's. Is it any wonder that relationships don’t seem to last as long as they used to? (I acknowledge that this is a complex issue and one factor is not the only reason for the breakdown in long term relations (a sad feature of modern life), but surely this reason must weigh heavily?). What do we do?.. stop sharing in order to ensure how friendships, our relationships survive.. but what does this really mean?.. To keep things to ourselves, to be secretive, to be dishonest, to have shallow relations. Is this what we want? I know I don't want this. I value the deepness and honesty of my friendships.. the fact that we share and discuss many things, sure we are flip and glib at times, laugh and act silly, but we can also talk of deep things, share tears, and be honest about our hopes, fears and failings, this is all quite normal and natural.. as life is complex, why would be expect our friendships to differ? How boring to limit and compartmentalise our friendships- I can only talk to him about these topics, her about this, and I must not mention homosexuality or religion to that one... how painful. Sure this might be the case for certain exceptions, but how sad if it is to be the rule. But how do we ensure that we do not over burden our loved ones? Do we seek other means of venting and release? What other ways can our social and emotional burdens be shared? I do not know.... Do we need to go back to the days of being part of larger groups, so that the social and emotional support is shared?, and if so, how do we re-connect with these larger groups of people? Or do we just ensure that we take enough personal time and space when we need to 'recharge' our abilities to listen and be empathetic?

Recently I had an interesting chat with a mate, who felt that while on one hand I was being uncomfortably honest in my blogging (for him and his mates), and he felt that the sharing of emotional material was not meant to be done on a forum such as a blog, on the other hand, he was tired of my on going dialogue about .. well you know.. that guy I still like (yes i am sure we are all tired of this, none more so than that person himself!). My friends tiredness of my topic of conversation is far from wrong, we all hold a right to be tired of any topic of conversation. I tire of my own topics and self often!! (oh to be me...) but his thoughts on being too honest... well i disagree.
My friend was concerned that bloging was becoming a substitute of sorts, for discussion of intimate and serious matter that is best done with friends or counsellors. Sure, blogging is a form of public journaling. It is a form of communication, but that does not mean that it replaces traditional methods of communication, no, i see it as complimenting them.

I can honestly say that I do not blog as a substitute for counseling, nor to raise red flags that I need help.. I blog about whatever I feel like writing about at the time,and only share what I feel comfortable doing. Why? why not?? We need more emotional honesty in this world....Without it what are we? My female friends read some of my 'emotionally honest' blogging and share their own similar experiences, it becomes a conversation starter...a way to connect to each other. Instead of sitting somewhere and feeling like you are the only person who has ever experienced something.... Unfortunately some of my male friends fill a stereotype, they cringe and feel angry or upset..such strong emotional responses, about err...their uncomfortableness and disapproval of the sharing of emotional experiences (yeah.. I am confused over this one as well)- 'We men, we no talk about emotions, you quiet! me go club tonight's dinner, you make stew'.

What are we if we cannot be honest? or to be deep? Shall we be shallow or forever flippant instead?, To do so is to live a partial life, a dishonest and untruthful one.... I do not say that we need to be accepting of another’s honesty, for that is personal and for the individual to decide what they are comfortable with... but surely honesty is to be encouraged.. for is this not a value that we try and instill in children? I think about the disproportionately high number of young gay men in regional settings who take their own lives because they cannot be honest about be honest or not be, that is the question ! I do know that there isn't  'one' right answer.. only an answer that is right for each of us. For me, my right answer is 'honesty within the realms of comfortableness'. For you?.. well, only you can say. And as for sharing the load of each others emotional and social 'baggage', so that we do not burn each out out, how do we do that?.. I have no idea... I'll think about that one, after my next counselling session.. err I mean .. after i have posted my next blog ;-)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Dec 2010

The good:

A couple of things to list as being 'good'.

Firstly, Christmas.. Yes.. some may be shocked to hear me say this.. because this year I have become the proverbial 'Scrooge'. I have no Christmas decorations up, I am not sending out cards, I am not buying gifts and I am refusing to participate in celebrations... but on serious reflection...despite the various meanings given to christmas; a time to celebrate the birth of christ, a time where st nick gives gifts, or just a time for loved ones to be together, regardless the reason to celebrate it, Christmas becomes a time in which we reflect upon what is important to us, and we often communicate this to those we love. So for this reason itself my heart is melting a little towards 'Christmas'.. so lets reflect and communicate!

The other 'good' thing that is filling me with joy is...the harvest of my first homegrown Blueberry!!!!!  Yay and Yum!!!!!

(again the wanna-be hand model insists on being in shot.... yikes.. what am I going to do about this little problem??? I have never had this problem with my right hand, perhaps because I have always favoured my right hand, Ahh !!! maybe the poor left hand has been starving for attention, poveretto!!)

the bad:

Ok, no surprises here... Its 'Christmas' !
Christmas is a time that we often fall into the consumer trap. We spend and buy gifts that aren't needed, some people borrow money to buy gifts.. thinking the value is in the gift itself or the quantity of gifts… rather than what is expressed in the giving. Are we missing the point of Christmas entirely?... and what values are we instilling in the younger generations with this sort of behavior?.. are we helping them create a sense of expectation and greed, rather than values such as gratitude, appreciation and respect for what we have? All the while, people are starving and dying from lack of affordable or available medical aid across the planet.

While I am talking about Christmas, let me give you a 'what not to do'-
Apparently group emails expressing your heart felt sentiments are not 'ok'. I sent one instead of Christmas cards to a small selection of loved friends, but responses varied from ‘ Tightarse!!’ to.. ‘group emails that start with ‘dear friend’ are worse than Spam!!!’.. so while I thought I was being modern in my use of electronic communications, saving trees and expressing some heartfelt sentiment to a small group of friends, it was seen differently. Moral of the story is, avoid group emails!!!  It does beg the question, is it the thought that counts or how the thought is communicated?

The ugly:

I was chatting with a friend about everyone’s favorite topic.. ie ‘Me’.. and my lovely friend stated ‘..and I can't believe your single'...(though I wonder if she was taking the piss... ) Anyway, after the chat as I was washing up in the bathroom and admiring my handsomeness in the mirror, pondering my friends comment.... It suddenly hit me!! I am verging on being ‘too handsome’!!! This is putting men off, because they fear they will be rejected- for I am seen to be out of their league!!! Yowser !!! How do I address this?.. how do I become just a touch less attractive, so that men feel more comfortable to approach me??? I could rub some dirt over my face, to give me that unwashed look.. but that can be kind of I'll ask Santa to leave some tips under my christmas tree- on reducing my handsomeness just enough so that others feel less intimidated... and once I find my man, I can bring the handsomeness levels right back up! Everyones a winner!!! errr.. I guess that means that I may have to get into the Christmas spirit after all and get out the Christmas tree !!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Belle and Sebastian write about love.

Belle and Sebastian write about love, so do I, so does everyone. Where Belle and Sebastian sing in a major key, I mope about clinging onto a minor chord.

Love is an elusive and mythical beast much like a unicorn, chimera or altruism. It promises so much, we dream and search for it, but it is never seen. It is a story that we tell our children.

Love… the fable, the beast in which we put so much hope and time into finding, and then IF we were to find it, we would then live in fear that it would soon be lost. Nothing lasts forever and love is too good to be true. We are told that it is an ideal to strive for, a state of being, ‘nirvana’, but is it? IF we were to do a cost/benefit analysis, weigh up the years of uncertainty, of suffering, of waiting, the years of loneliness, of feeling forlorn and forsaken, rejected and unloved…Does it all make up for a few POSSIBLE moments of bliss? Even if love was happened upon, by chance perhaps (and saying that, you would have more luck winning the lottery), if you did stumble across love, you are then faced with the other person, for they have to love you the same for it to work. Love unreturned is unrequited and can become obsession-unhealthy and poisonous. So not only do we spend all of this time, energy and suffering in the search for love, but unless the other loves us in return, it is for naught. I laugh contemptuously for all I have ever known was of unrequitedness and rejection.

I am so used to failure that I doubt I would recognize love should it ever arrive. Instead, I will likely still be chasing those who could not care any less and who do not love me.  And yet…. ever the hypocrite am I, for despite it all, I still yearn for love and have hope. There is still the thought that calls out, somewhere deep in me, refusing to disappear, whispering ‘one day, somewhere he will be and will love you as you deserve’.

Stuart from Belle and Sebastian sings ‘Don’t touch me, if you touch me you can never go back’, It should be, ‘Don’t touch me, if you touch me I can never go back’.  I think of ‘him’… Yes… If we had just chatted and that was it... he would be forgotten, perhaps not easily, for is cute and has a lovely smile… but this would be a memory that could be eroded with enough time, but we did more than chat, we shared and as clichéd as it sounds (for the truth is often a cliché), he touched me and I saw that he was special and unlike any other. I have tried not to like him, I really have, I have told myself all the reasons why I should not, why I cannot, why it will not be. I have had counseling, alternate therapy/treatment, you name it and I have tried it. It has been 6 months and though I have my moments where I feel better, I cannot stop liking him, despite him not caring for me, I cannot stop. I ask the Lord above why and the Lord does not answer.

Why am I giving another the power over my happiness. The locus of control is externalized and I cannot bring it back to me. I hate this. I hate it!! I want to reclaim my power, my happiness, my life, I want to be happy in my loneliness again… well not happy, for that is impossible, but ‘used’ to it again, used to the feeling of being alone, I want to be solely responsible for my happiness and warm in the knowledge that there was not and will never be one to love me… but he has changed all of that… He has shown me a possibility. I am on edge, waiting for words that never come, waiting for the love that will never come… waiting for him, who will never come…

I sit here miserable.

Merry Christmas.

I go back to Belle and Sebastian, maybe they have an answer for me… Stuart sings ‘and its dumb, thinking of you …the way that you were’ He is right, I can’t cling to the past, to a moment in time regardless how special, but how do I let go??? The song continues and Stuart addresses me- ‘you could love’, Is this the answer? Is loving the way out, to love, to love myself…but can I? I don’t know… I don’t know… as if he heard me, Stuart responds ‘you can love…’

I smile… I can try Stuart,

I can try.

A series of Major chords sends me off on my way.

Friday, December 3, 2010

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue Dec 2010

Something old:

and something a bit different.... Gene Kelly tap dancing on roller skates!!! I think the song is called 'I like myself'. My good mate Peter J. W. introduced me to this piece, the picture quality is not great, but you'll get the general idea of how amazing this is..

Something new:
Can you say- 'Gogol Bordello' ????
because the live version of 'Immigraniada' on Jools Hollands... ROCKS!!!!

Something Borrowed:

K.D. Lang and her sublime version of Cole Porter's - 'So In love'

Something Blue:

The Bats and their AMAZING tune 'Made up in blue'.. if you only watch one of these clips, make sure its the Bats clip and then also the K.D. Lang one !! Guaranteed to make your life better... or your money back!!!

Lastly and only because it's almost Christmas time..
Something Christmasy!!!!

The Hives and Cyndi Lauper - 'A Christmas Duel'

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

a few socially unacceptable things

Recently a few people have commented on my height (or lack thereof), someone actually said 'your short for a guy' and the other person said 'your cute, but short'... nice. At the time I forget to recite what my mum told me to say if ever anyone picked on me because of my height- she said 'tell them that your mum said that good things come in small packages'.. .yeah I seem to remember that working really well in Primary school when i was being called 'shrimpy' ;-)

Something else that happened was that I saw a non English speaking client I hadn't seen in a while...she was excited to see me (can you blame her?), and gave me what I assume she thought was a compliment.. she said 'oh... your looking healthy' and then pointed her fingers accusingly towards my stomach and then drew her hands out to make the shape of a very large ball.. yeah i get it! I have put on a few kilos... and can now possibly be described as a short fat and bald man who wears glasses, which is kind of a hot look... if I don't say so myself, throw in a bow tie and WATCH OUT city of Melbourne ;-)

In all seriousness though, commenting on a persons height or weight??, this one is a no-brainer, come on !!! who doesn't know that you can't do this?, regardless of your cultural background!
Having said that, I did ask a lady who is a 'tall midget' if she asks taller people to get things off the supermarket shelf for her, only because I do that myself sometimes. She didn't really answer.. she just gave me a 'yeah, the supermarket can be tricky' response and her eyes went all large and then she just stared at me in silence. Are these signs of a crazy person ?? Because I think they might be...

Something else which is not quite right:

A very mature mandarin speaking client, who doesn't speak English and seems to love me (what is it with people loving me??), saw me after a month or so and excitedly bowed to me, did a little Namaste/hands in prayer position thing and said something in Mandarin.. ok, that is very acceptable and encouraged... but made me feel pressured to return the I bowed, did a namaste/prayer hand thing and because I don't speak Mandarin, I made something up that kind of sounded Chinese, and figured that if I said it fast enough, he wouldn't notice it was made up, but be delighted with my terrible effort... Yeah, I know.. why did I do it??!!! Not socially acceptable, but as I was put under pressure by him to return the gesture.. I don't think that makes me entirely to blame.

Last on the list is people sneezing.

While sneezing is socially acceptable, provided that it is done in a respectful manner and that you don't spray your fine misty and slightly smelly nasal droplets everywhere (I have no idea why a 'sneeze' smells, but it does)...If someone says 'bless you', you HAVE to respond. A few times recently, I said 'bless you' in the tram to a fellow passenger and I received no response, which is not socially acceptable! I had to stop myself from pointing out to them that I had said 'bless you '... I did however look around the tram for support and gave other passengers a little nod with raised eyebrows (which said 'you saw what just happened, can you believe that?!?') and then l gave a sideways look at the offending passenger in a 'Tsk Tsk' manner. Surely this is the kind of thing the transit police/inspectors should be looking out for?

What is happening to modern society???

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Letter to a person who does not respond in like.

I thought I would dummy up a letter that is free for anyone to use if they so wish (for private and personal use only.. well you have to love a disclaimer!), to seek clarification on matters of the heart or whatever.

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to you, kindly requesting that you clarify your position on the matter of us.

It has come to my notice that your attentions are somewhat lacking. As my virtues are widely known, I cannot fathom why at this very moment you are not knocking on my door requesting my company for tea, or dare I say, even asking for my hand in marriage. I think it a matter of good breeding that you are forthright, in a round about and respectful way, and communicate to my humble but exceptionally good self your intentions.

When it comes to matters of the heart one must neither tarry nor dawdle; for the heart that one may have set upon, is not promised to wait forever for words and promises unspoken.

So it is with great reluctance that I seek an end to this game of waiting, and respectfully ask that you clarify where your thoughts lie in the matter of my heart. Please respond promptly but with the tact and consideration that befits a person of your stature.

respectfully yours,


A very big thank you goes to my mate John B G for his spelling and grammar checking skills.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Wedding song.

Though I am getting closer to 40 each day and still single (yes... we all know that it is insane that there is war,disease and famine on this planet AND that the catch of the century is still single !!!), I do sometimes daydream about the day that I do finally marry the man of my dreams (well... assuming that it becomes legal to do so), I think about what song we will slow dance to. One of the hot contenders for my our (yes, I forget that its not all about me!!) wedding song is ‘All the way’ as performed by Jack Teagarden and written by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen.

So here is the soppy bit of the post, ignore it if you hate love or romance:

‘All the way’, every time I play this song I think of that special man who is out there somewhere, waiting for us to meet and to be together. I think of how lovely it would be for us to dance to this song on our special day. Dancing slowly and so close, when we are not cheek to cheek our eyes meet and our lips touch. When we whisper “I love you”, it means everything- it means ‘Through the good or lean years, and for all the inbetween years, come what may.’

All the way (written by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen)
When somebody loves you
It’s no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way
Taller than the tallest tree is
That’s how it’s got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
That’s how deep it goes - if it’s real
When somebody needs you
It’s no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may
Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you’ll let me love you
It’s for sure I’m gonna love you - all the way,
all the way

I couldn’t find a direct link to the tune on the internet, but if you go to and look to the top right corner, you will see a playlist/jukebox, scroll down and find the song ‘all the way’, click on it (you may also need to press play). Sit back, close your eyes and imagine you are slow dancing with someone you love...or if you want to make it all about ME ( and who wouldn't), you can close your eyes and imagine you are at my wedding.

*** UPDATE !!!!!  My Brilliant Friend Ric send me the code to embed the tune into the Post YAY !!!
God Bless I.T. people !!  I think this pro-active effort makes Ric a friend for life to all Gay's.. and maybe even an honorary Gay!!! well the honorary gay thing will need to be discussed at the next general meeting that us gay's have.. I'll certainly make sure its an agenda item!.

Find more artists like Jack Teagarden at Myspace Music

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

the garden- Nov 2010

Today I had a well deserved day off work to... well... work in my garden, which I had been neglecting of late. I did a lot of work removing plants, tidying up, planting new plants/seedlings/vegetables etc..but rather than show you works in progress, I thought I would share some things that are blooming at the moment.

The Kangaroo paw are looking great and stand taller than me!!! 

The Roses are still blooming, still smelling wonderful and reaching ever skyward:

 Another type of Rose:

Broadbeans ready for collection:

My hand trying to get in the shot.... It has dreams of one day being a hand model:

Mulberries in various stages of maturity, the birds are having a feast on these:

 and one last picture, Yum!! I walk past this tree on my way to the front door and often can't help but pick a handful of berries to snack on:

Saturday, November 20, 2010

selected writings- nonno (grandfather)

nonno (grandfather):

The past returns in fragments
and at the oddest times (like now).
Nonno’s dialect
my confusion
and inability to communicate,
his broken English
and dancing eyes.

Warmth exuded from him as we sat there in silence.
His hands were rough and well worn,
they seemed too big for his body.

I don’t know why I think of his hands.
He was a farmer
and loved his garden,
where we would sit in silence,
as the cancer ate at him from within.

© Matthew Schiavello 2009

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

All kinds of office wrong: The bum bag

There is someone at my work who, for whatever reason, insists on wearing a bumbag. Now i don't mean, while he is on holiday (and let me point out that, 'while on holiday' is by no means justification for wearing such an item), but I mean that he wears it to work, at work, at his desk, while walking about the office and whilst at meetings. Really, it is beyond a fashion faux pas, it is OUTRAGEOUS!. I have no idea how I will tackle this offensive behaviour, partly because the wearer of the offending item is my superior.

I did suggest to my best friend that I tackle him to the ground and wrestle the bumbag off him (you've seen the profile pic, and obviously I am a 5' 7 dreamer.. but this is about principles dammit!! I am prepared to put my life on the line to save all of us!), .. Obviously I would do this because I am a good Samaritan and want to save him further shame from his fashion folly, the fact that seeing the bumbag hurts my eyes, has nothing to do with my decision.
My best friend being who she is, suggested that I refrain from doing a good deed, and simply avert my eyes.... but its like a bloody accident.. I can't avert my gaze no matter how much I try!!!!
And.....the bloody bumbag is not even in his general bum area, it covers his crotch !!! which makes it even worse, because he doesn't even know how to wear the stupid thing!!!

I then suggested to my best friend that I rugby tackle him to the ground, in lieu of a wrestle.. but being who she is, she replied 'Bro, don't do it, eh!' I am left to ponder..
what if... 

What if I had wizarding powers like Harry Potter?

A simple Accio bumbag !!! would bring the offending item to me.. which I could then place in the 'general waste' rubbish bin ( no recycling for bum bags!!!), and no wrestle or rugby tackle will be required. If that didn't work,
I am prepared to go one further and use the dreaded Avada Kedavra  curse, for death is not too extreme for the bum bag wearers of this world.. and do you know why?? Because looking at the bum bag being worn, makes me feel like i have been hit by the Crucio  curse!!!! Sure 'Avada Kedavra' is an unforgivable curse, But so is the Crucio  curse!! and knowing my luck, that bumbag wearer will probably use an Imperio curse on me when I least expect it and I'll suddenly don a bumbag myself!  Bloody hell!!!!!!  I am beginning to think these evil buggers cannot be beaten!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Adventures in an adult boutique- The Parody

I helped out at that place again recently.. you know the one...where european grandfathers haggle over $7.50 porn and women slam used faulty vibrators on the counter (oh wait... I haven't shared that story yet!)..  anyway, as nonplussed as I am, ( or should that be 'aren't' ?.. engrish never was my strong point), nonplussed as I am by the stock.. I have to admit I LOVE  seeing the 'parody' porn titles that come in and have taken some pics of them to share with you all!!!!
As much as I LOVE Larry David and would date him in a flash and probably break up with him even faster, I don't know whether to laugh or be shocked by-'this ain't curb your enthusiasm' parody !! 

These next few are just too disturbing for me and my happy childhood memories!!! 

 Errrrr  I have to ask... 'Biggest Loser' parody porn??? WTF???  and as for 'Cheaters' Parody Porn.. That isn't that much of a stretch... but why?

Some more  TV show parodies to mess with your happy childhood memories... Oh the trauma !!!!

And Lastly..... this is a WTF and WHY ???  rolled into one... If I was to say anything else it would be- Thank the good Lord above that Daryl Sommers isn't in it!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The end of semester - Oh Joy!

Now that uni is over for the year, I clean up the mess that manifests at the end of each semester. The dining table has become a place to pile books and papers, as does the floor.
Now that the weight has been lifted off me, final papers submitted, this is all thats left...
A reminder of the stress of study.. I pack it all away.. I tidy, dust, wipe down, clean and then go out for a make merry... and i do!
This is the first time in a long while I have smiled and really laughed, from the belly, deep down...
Life is beautiful once more!!

Oh Joy!

I put my uni books away,
till next year
Oh joy!

The stress is put away,
as is the pressure
Oh Joy!

The expectations I create,
to do well and succeed
are replaced
with a smile.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Something old, Something new, Something borrowed and Something blue: Nov 2010

something old:

From 1968- Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell - 'You're All I Need To Get By'. Two legends who both died tragically, the story of Marvin's death is widely know, but Tammi, poor beautiful and talented Tammi died at age 24 due to a brain tumor.

 something new:

Mark Ronson's latest couple of releases have really rocked my boat!!
Even if you don't like the tunes, the clips are great!!!

Mark Ronson & The Business International - Bang Bang Bang

Mark Ronson & The Business International - The Bike Song

something borrowed:

This is old school, for those of us old enough to remember it, and a great cover of the Marvin and Tammi tune that these two make their own.

Method Man Ft. Mary J. Blige - You're All I Need

 something blue: 

Two blues for you Both called 'Jungle Blues'.
The first one, well, Jellyroll, was born in 1885 and died in 1945, his 'jungle blues', from about 1927, is brilliant and reminds me not to forget the music that has come before, because it often has more to say than some of the stuff currently being released.

Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton- Jungle Blues

CW Stoneking was born in the Northern Territory to American parents (according to wikipedia) and now resides in Melbourne. I am not sure what to make of him, I love the music, but is it fake? Am I thinking too much about it, and should i just enjoy it for what ever it is?  The clip is a bit of a laugh because its so bad. OK correction, It's not a laugh, it just is.

CW Stoneking and the primitive horn orchestra- 'Jungle Blues'

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Healthy and brave choices

I am reminded that happiness like many things is a choice. Our days are full of choices, important, not-so-important and everything in-between. Sometimes the choices we make have healthy or unhealthy outcomes or impacts for us.

I consider three recent relationships.

Relationship #1:
Lovely man, aloof and not yet worked through his recent past relationship-including his partner leaving him. Yet I persist and ignore the glaring warning signs, because so many of his qualities are ones I value in a potential partner and I find him quite handsome. The alternative to persisting and living on the hope that he might come round, is living life alone.

Relationship #2:
Nice guy, but I found him boring to be with, as hard and as much as I tried to engage with him. Though I clearly knew this man was not for me, he was a nice person and cute. The alternative was living life alone.

Relationship #3:
An attached man I have seen on and off for a while. Our relationship is not healthy and we hurt each other in many ways. While I did once love him, now it is obvious that we just see each other for sex, though on some level, I am sometimes in denial about this. The truth is, the alternative is to be alone.

Sometimes it’s easier or safer to take a ‘better the devil we know, than the devil we don’t know’ approach with our choices. Sometimes we are so desperate not to face a perceived alternative (in these cases, being alone) that we forge on with a decision, all the while knowing it’s not a healthy one. And sometimes, sometimes we simply delude ourselves that what we have is healthy.

Sometimes we betray and lie to ourselves, believing that we cannot do anything different or even dream of a better situation. Sometimes, sadly, we believe that we don’t deserve better. These are times when we are our own worst enemy, barring our own path to happiness. But it doesn’t have to be like this, not when our days are full of choices.

Sometimes it’s as simple as just saying it out loud. Just opening our mouths and letting the truth that so desperately wants to be known, to revel itself. Sometimes it’s as simple as just dropping our shields of fear, that have done anything but protect us, to allow in the truth with its message of liberation. Sometimes the message smarts a little, sometimes it makes us smile (that cheeky- ‘I knew that’ smile), and sometimes if we are lucky it leaves us a gift of wisdom, sometimes.

As for me, what will I do? I might take my own advice for a change, breathe deep, let go, and bravely take a step into the unknown, into my new tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The race that stops a nation.

I was thinking about the ‘race that stops a nation’- The Melbourne Cup. It brings punters out from everywhere to place their yearly bet, to hold Bar-b-ques, it’s an opportunity for men and women to dress up 'all nice' and attend the Race, hopefully invited to a marquee, to drink too much, and as is the sad case, be seen to leave –staggering about with shoes in hand, and much worse for wear. This one day creates jobs, milliners create hats, outfitters create outfits and sales of booze skyrocket…  Horses have names such as ‘So you think’, ‘Profound beauty’, Precedence’ and ‘Shocking’. The Age newspaper reports that one betting agency is expecting to turn over about 100 million dollars today. This is just one betting agency. I can’t help but feel uncomfortable with all of this. Sure we need fun, revelry, Bar-b-ques, hats, fashion and booze, but why does the word ‘excess’ spring to mind?

I work with people for who just a few extra dollars, would make a world of difference to them. The Main race today, race seven- ‘the Melbourne cup’, has a prize pool of 6 million dollars, this is just one of ten races. I can’t help but wonder how we might still have fun, enjoy life, laugh, have a drink, a bar-b-que, dress up, look great and channel some of this money to those who really need it. The 100 million dollars that just one of the betting companies is expecting to turn over… well…lets be honest, how many of us place a bet and win? If just half of this money went to those in need, how much better would cup day be for all of us? 50 Million dollars, WOW!!! How much good could be done with that? How much happiness, joy and hope could it bring to others less fortunate and in need, and we could still place our losing bets at the race track and have some fun.  Every one’s a winner! 

It’s a fact that when it comes to fund raising and charities, children’s charities capture more hearts, and do much better than fundraising for homeless alcoholics or drug users. Even saying that, The Royal Children’s Hospital ‘Good Friday Appeal’ this year raised a record 14.4 Million Dollars!!!. When we compare that amount to all the money that will be spent today on the ‘race that stops a nation’ I wonder what this says about us as a nation and our priorities.  

Friday, October 29, 2010

The nuttiness that is

Recently I have realized that sometimes I am just a touch crazy…  I will email or say things just because I can.. I think they are funny (at the time), and will  have no care for social convention.
For example, sometimes I will email a friend for no reason, except I want to share a thought with them there and then.
Such as:

Hey.. sometimes I wonder how can it be,  that I am sooooo cool
And then it hits me...
I just am...
And there is a wonderful humbleness in acceptance.
So that makes me super humble as well !!!!

and this one:

“Dear Nutter, 

Please deliver 250gms of roasted almonds to my address by Christmas 2035.

If possible, I would also like 13 cartons of curdled milk to be delivered to 
my friend (Name with held to protect the innorcent)'s address before 2.30pm 
Wednesday the 3rd of November 2010. Please ensure that this curdled milk has 
been re-gifted, and has a note attached that has been written on a piece of felt.

Lots of Christmas holly and shomozzles (just because I love spring)

and finally this one:
“101 reasons why I am great
1- I never trip over my shoelaces when I am walking

2- I am right handed

3- I can say a few words backwards

4- When I do say words backwards strange things happen 
     (well.. not entirely  true. but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did !)

5- My initials backwards are S. L. M.- not that it is of any real significance, 
     though in 50 years time, it may well be!

6- I know how to use a metcard on the trams (but I haven't used a Myki card yet). 

7- I can mix a gin and tonic, and add lemon - in need
    (but might prefer a martini). 
8- I can hold my breath for about 65 seconds 
    (nah, just timed myself..its only 25 seconds)

9- I can walk a flat walking track for a good 30 mins without resting 
    (but I will complain, whinge and moan after about 15-19 mins)

10- I can get away with wearing green.

11- I sweat (a lot in summer)


Did you want to add to this growing list?????”

Surprisingly my friends still talk to me, and have not (yet) blocked me from their email.. 
but then again.. Doesn’t everyone love randomly receiving wacky emails??? 

Thursday, October 28, 2010

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue- Oct 2010

Something Old:
This selection is inspired by a friend going to an event that Daryl Hall was appearing at:
Sadly, my mate didn't rock up as John Oates and insist on an impromptu duet.
I did suggest that If they preformed 'Private eye's' I could to do back up hand claps..
'My private eyes.. 'clap'
Been watching you 'clap clap''    ---See i have been practicing !!!
Two rocking 80’s tunes from Hall and Oates:

‘I can't go for that (no can do)’:

and ‘Private Eyes’:  (get those hands ready to clap!!!!)

Something new:
Two new and different tunes for you..
just for fun and because it is shot in New York: 
Chiddy bang: 'truth'
Click here to watch: Truth
 and for something more lovely and with great lyrics:
Joanna Newsom- ‘jackrabbits’ (live on jools Holland)
I was tired o' being drunk
My face cracked like a joke
So I swung through here like a brace of jackrabbits
With their necks all broke

I stumbled at the door with my boot
And I knocked against the jamb
And I scrabbled at your chest like a mute
With my fists of ham

Trying to tell you that I am
Telling you I can
I can love you again
Love you again...

...And the verse I read in jest
And Matthew spoke to me
Said, there's a flame that moves like a low-down pest
That says, "you will be free"

Only tell me that I can
Tell me that I can
I can love you again
Love you again

something borrowed:

Two cover versions!!!

Firstly, Josh Pyke, covering the Church’s ‘under the milky way’ (Live on Triple J’s Like a Version)
Click here to watch: Under the Milky way tonight

Who doesn’t wistfully sing along to the lines:
‘wish I knew what you were looking for,
might have known what you would find’

and while We are being wistful, The Beach boys- ‘god only knows’  done by Ben Kweller

(Sorry there is no clip as such)
Feel free  to sing along to one of the most beautiful songs in the world: 

“I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you “
(Written by : Wilson & Asher)

something blue:

Otis Redding off the ‘Otis Blue LP:
‘try a little tenderness’ LIVE !!!  Say no more!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Hearts & Bones and a dream of nightingales

I keep thinking about the song Paul Simon wrote about Carrie Fisher called ‘Hearts and Bones’. This song has always resonated with me, in particular lines in it such as:

"And tell me why
Why won't you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:
'cause that's not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby"

I am reminded of my singleness.

Recently a date told me that I am ‘odd’ and he wouldn’t explain what he meant. I sit home alone and ponder that ( yes… I know, I think too much), and though I have my good days, today isn’t one of them. Though I have a lot of uni work to keep me busy, today it doesn’t, my thoughts keep me busy instead. Why am I almost forty and still single? Today I am sad. I am lonely. I know I am not alone in feeling this. I also recognize that I have had many men interested in me over the years, but I did not share their interest. I guess the truth of the matter is that I have yet to meet a man who will love me for who I am, as I would love him the same. Most of my friends are married or attached and don’t seem to recall what it was like living life alone. I know, well.. to be honest, I hope!, that it is only a matter of time before things change for me. God, the universe… who ever you are, what ever you call yourself... if you are out there…I hope you are listening. And somehow give me the strength and the patience to wait it out, as well as the faith that things will change.

As I re-read this and rewrite parts, I receive a phone call from a friend I haven’t heard from in some time. He tells me that he was rushed to hospital four months ago for emergency surgery to remove a tumor the size of a brick. He tells me about the four major operations he had done, his months in intensive care, how his family were called in several times as the doctors thought that he was going to die, and then he tells me of the lasting damage that has been done to his body. This week he goes in for radiation treatment , which will consist of him sitting in a lead lined room alone for two days. His voice quavers, he is not sure if he will cope, or even survive all of this. He is close to tears, I can hear it. I suddenly feel selfish. My own concerns suddenly seem so small and insignificant.

I walk around the house in a daze and decide to draw a bath. Water always calms and centers me, plus I need a wash. I mindlessly grab something to read in the bath…I come away with a book of Gay love poems given to me by a dear friend, one time boyfriend, well...truth be told, we tried once more after that, and our suspicions were confirmed- we were best suited as friends… Before he died, he gave me this collection of poems. He wrote something personal inside the cover. He was a beautiful man and good friend. When he died I stretched alongside his grave and cried until I couldn’t cry any more.
Now I climb into the bath and hold the collection of poems in my hand (‘In the name of Love’). I think of my friend who gave this to me and who has been dead for about four years now. I think of my friend who called tonight and is going through hell. Everyone suffers. I am ok. I go straight to my favorite poem in the collection and read.

David Bergman- ‘A dream of nightingales’ (In memory of Jerry Thompson).

The Friday before your funeral I taught
Keats to my sophomore class. Little did they care
for the truth of beauty of the grace of truth,
but his being “half in love with easeful death”
penetrated through the smugness of their youth,
and I thought of you drawing me to the rear
window one early spring to hear in rapture
a bird hidden among the flowering pear.

You held your cat tight so that he could not scare
off such music as hadn’t been heard all winter.
When you flew South to escape the arctic blast
and home again heard that dark-winged creature
tell me, did he then revel himself at last
as you believed he’d be - pure and beckoning?

© (1988) -  David Bergman    
No copyright infringement is intended in the reproduction of this poem.