Monday, October 4, 2010

The truth

The truth is the key that sets us free.

The truth is that I have been obsessed with a man who has not returned my feelings.

The word obsessed has been bandied about a few times by friends and I have even acknowledged it on occasion. I guess for me… it all starts to unravel now…after a recent healing, my thoughts and feelings started to shift. I was at work and a selection of Sondheim tunes played on the radio.  As soon as “losing my mind’ rang out.. I knew- this was me- ‘The sun comes up, I think about you... I talk to friends and think about you, and do they know Its like I’m losing my mind… spend sleepless nights to think about you ..’  etc. Losing my mind(and if Sondheim isn’t wonderfully gay enough for you, then add a touch of Liza Minnelli and the Pet Shop boys !!!Losing my mind - Liza and the Pet Shop Boys )

I really was losing my mind, anxious, stressed and a mess. I am not ashamed to say this or share it.

The truth is that I clung to my obsession because that’s all I had. That was all that was between me and my loneliness.

The truth is now I know that I need to be brave and sit with these feelings, regardless of how difficult it is, for this is the way forward. I have started to do so and will remain doing so, this struggle, this journey, it is ‘life’ and I remind myself that out of the ashes rises the phoenix.

The ‘truth’ is the key that sets us free, the prison that keeps us, the weapon that wounds, that savior that heals and delivers salvation. The truth is all things to all people. I have hid from my truth for so long, that I no longer realized I was hiding. My truths are many and varied. The ones I hide from are the ones I now realize that I need to confront.

The truth is that we see ourselves differently to how we are seen.

The truth is that I didn’t value myself highly or see anything of worth in me that others could value or like. The truth is that I didn’t date out of love, but often because I was liked.. yes ! someone actually liked me!!! I was grateful ( I can see this now, though I was blind at the time). The truth is that I thought that if I cared for someone, liked them, thought they were cute, and there was some sexual attraction, then this was enough.. but it isn’t.

The truth is that I sort solace with those that I deemed to be ‘safe’. These nice people that wouldn’t hurt or reject me, these people that for what ever reason, were also grateful for my interest.  

Why am I sharing this?

Because we are not alone…though at times we feel alone. We all have feelings of anxiety, self doubt, loneliness, depression etc… and I want to send this out there to who ever needs to hear it. Who ever you are, I want to tell you that you are beautiful, just as you are. I want to hug us and tell us that we are all beautiful just as we are. I want to whisper to myself, that I am beautiful just as I am.  For it is all true.

When things seem like they won’t get any better, when we are at our lowest and darkest, remember the phoenix, remember that out of the darkness, out of the ashes, we will rise, reborn and splendid.

The truth is that we all have a different path to travel and a different way of negotiating that path. For myself- The truth is that the pain doesn’t end here.. I don’t know where it does end.. I know that whilst it hurts right now.. my being open, honest and accepting lessens the pain..slowly. Last night I arrived home from work and for the first time in a long time, didn’t feel obsessed, instead I just felt really lonely. Today the loneliness is lessened, tomorrow I hope it will be lessened again and so on each day forward.

The truth is that in the end we will all be alright.

The truth is that faith and hope are wonderful things.

1 comment:

  1. I have had a few emails sent to me about this blog...
    There is one i would like to share in part ( and have been given permission to do so )
    and here it is:

    Matthew, just remember that little quote we saw on one of you visits down here..."without hope, we have nothing"

    Martin Luther King, Jr., constantly orated about hope:

    “If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.”