Thursday, December 30, 2010

6 reasons to love Bjork

Yes it had to happen at some point-Bjork.

so let me start, in fact let me show you six reasons why you should LOVE Bjork:

1- 'all is full of love'.. amazing film clip directed by Chris Cunningham!!Spooky, sensual, Some obvious imagery, but still stunningly done.

2- 'Pagen Poetry'. One of my favourite Bjork songs and an interesting clip as well.
'I love him, I love him... He makes me want to hurt myself again..'(Don't do it girl!! no man is worth it !!) 

3- 'Triumph of a heart'. Film clip by Spike Jonze. The song itself is made using only sounds from the human mouth. Trainspotter fact- In the scene running through town, Bjork did really hurt herself and left the mark to make it more realistic..  talk about suffer for your art!!!.. p.s. if you like cats you’ll love this clip !!

4- 'Come to me' (Live). She is so good live and this is a great arrangement, including Tabla and someone playing the glasses!!!!
Lyrics like-"you know that i adore you, you know that i love you, so don't make me say it, it would burst the bubble, break the charm''.. wow.... !

5- 'Hyperballad' (Live). Great live version of this awesome track!!! with lyrics like 'it's real early morning
no-one is awake, i'm back at my cliff, still throwing things off, i listen to the sounds they make, on their way down, i follow with my eyes 'til they crash, imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks....
and when it lands, will my eyes, be closed or open?'

6- Last reason is -Michel Gondry !! Bjork and Michel are a brilliant team as the clips for 'Army of me' and 'Bachelorette' highlight. Forget the movie 'Inception's' idea of  layers of dreams within dreams... Bachelorette does the idea of layers within layers brilliantly and in only 5 mins!! and 'Army of me'. well that just ROCKS!!!

Six very good reasons to love the lass.. enuff said!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Poofter Drinks

A mate (Bob Zurunkle) emailed me a receipt from 8 years ago... yeah I know.. who keeps such things??? - accountant's, nerds and hoarders... oh and maybe an obsessive -compulsive personality type...
Anyway, his email was titled : 'At least it was in the Outback, and eight years ago!'‏

I am not sure what is worse, those outback bogan's using such an offensive term as 'poofter', or the purchase of a drink such as 'Bacardi Breezer'...sheesh!!!!  buy a real drink at least!!!

** Update30/10 /2011, ok, it now has come to light that this was something sent to my mate Bob,
Not his actual receipt.. Jeez.. can you trust anyone these days? ;-)

Saturday, December 25, 2010


Its six am Christmas morning, I can’t sleep. I have been tired for weeks.  I went to sleep at 12.30am last night/this morning. I can’t think of any reason as to why I can’t sleep.. and then I do. It’s Christmas morning and I am excited. 

Yes! You read right, It is Christmas morning and excitement fills me… not the same excitement that once filled me as child… ‘what will Santa bring me this year !!!’ , which became the ‘did mum and dad get me the ‘… ‘ I really wanted and had been hinting at these past few months?' This is a different kind of excitement.  This year I am excited about giving. 

Every year we give cards to others  because it is socially expected -‘I better not forget a card for Sven at work, even though I don’t talk to him’ etc. We buy gifts because again, it is expected. That is not to say that we may not take pleasure in the buying and giving, but realistically… how many of the gifts we buy are like this?, compared to those that feel like a chore to decide upon and find/purchase? 

These past few months I have been a bit flat due to a few things in my life, but this morning… this morning something changed. This morning I awoke with a realisation. Santa does exist. I am Santa, we are all Santa. For the first time in a long while I smiled before I got out of bed.  

It sounds clichéd, but the joy of giving is wonderful.

In a few hours time I will give someone a gift that they have neither asked for nor hinted at. In fact, this person would never dream of asking anyone to purchase this item for them, they would just do without, or manage on hand me downs. It is something they need. They have been working hard at learning to use this item and their hard work and perseverance have brought them far. If anyone deserves to own this item, it is this person. I know they will cry with gratitude when they receive it and the thought of this makes me teary even now. This is what being Santa is really about. Not piling gifts onto the ungrateful or greedy, but giving to those in need and to those who deserve it. The joy is in seeing their surprise and gratitude. In knowing we have done something that has made a difference to them.  That has made them feel loved, appreciated and part of something bigger. 

Enjoy your christmas day, may much joy be shared and may good will and love fill our hearts.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What good is a life?

What good is a life

spent yearning,

for something that will never come?

What good is a life

spent mourning,

that which never was?

What good is a life

doing anything but

standing on it's own,


and with


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Recent experiences in the world of singleness.

Mr New Yorker..

Recently I was a standing in a crowded tram on my way home and saw this man that gave off a gay ‘vibe’. So… I checked him out and had that experience where I wasn’t sure if I thought he was cute or not… so was doing that ‘Hmmm.. are you cute or not?’ occasional check out . Soon a seat appears and I take it. Very quickly this man I was checking out gets off his seat and moves around into my new line of site… and checks me out.. ok... I can now clearly see him from head to toe and...Ekkk !!!! he was wearing what looked like leather pants !!! So I did what was obviously the right thing to do in this situation.. which was to ignore him. He soon zoomed over and sat next to me, did an occasional sideways look in my direction whilst reading a magazine.. which I glanced at.. and thought ‘Hmmm, ok this is a mainly text filled magazine.. not many glossy pics’.. he gets some points for that… (yes I am a snob!).. But then he places the magazine on his knee closest to me and keeps nudging it as if to get my attention…he is reading ‘The New Yorker’ Magazine… Now I just want to call him a poser... however, I am interested in how much the magazine costs, so I scan the cover and notice a sticker from the Melbourne City Library!!! Yeah.. don’t loan magazines to use as pick up props !!!!! That’s very lame…. A borrowed work of literature is fine to use as a pick up prop... but something like ‘The New Yorker’ or ‘The Wall Street Journal’, that is a no-no.

Mr Viking

Recently I meet a nice young man, who has a Scandinavian background and very early on in the conversation said that his Viking roots led him to want to rape and pillage. At first I thought this was a misplaced attempt at humour… but then he mentioned how he drinks a lot and when he drinks he gets randy and wants to fuck. Yeah.. so I didn’t need to ask what his hobbies were, because I could kind of already guess. If I wanted to be raped and pillaged I’d get myself incarcerated…When it comes to dating, call me old fashioned, but I think of nice intimate moments and mutual sharing.

Mr R who was really Mr V

Ahhh the curious case of Mr R who was really Mr V.

I little while back I met a man called Mr V for coffee. He was lovely, we chatted and kept in contact, some flirting went on and we talked about meeting up… and after considering how messy this might get, I decided the best thing to do was to keep this as a friendship.

We had met through an internet site… and I noticed that he had deleted his profile on it a short while after we had met. Recently an almost identical profile has appeared, almost identical user name, same height and stats, same type of work, same geographical area and same photo (which is close up of a part of his face). I mentioned to Mr V, ‘oh your back on line?” he denied this.. I thought he was taking the piss..after much questioning from me, Mr V went on to say that it wasn’t him, that it sounded like someone was stealing his identity (and he would need to investigate this further) and, he was really getting annoyed that I didn’t believe him.

So I did what any sensible person would do… and I messaged the man on the Internet- soon to be known as ‘Mr R’. Over several messages/chats Mr R and I flirted and it was suggested that we meet up. At the same time I was also chatting with Mr V, who kept denying the whole thing was him… I did notice that they both were away for an extended period at the same time , one said he was away on business, the other said he was very ill. I took this opportunity to ask Mr R if he watched much TV, in particular Seinfeld.. he replied that he did not watch much TV. I shared with him how much I love Seinfeld,especially the episode where George lies to his ex-inlaws about a place he has in the Hampton’s (I think), and even though they know he is lying they want to see how far he will take it… so they accept an invite to his Hampton’s place.. and George knows that they know he is lying, but just takes it as far as it will go, including picking them up and driving them out to this non existent ‘place’… Mr R, said that he didn’t watch Seinfeld, but knew the episode….. and he continued to chat and talk about a meet !!! What choice did I have but to see how far he would take this….to cut a long story short…things are now at the point where, Mr V hasn’t said hello to me in ages, or retuned my messages or calls… and Mr R.. well, he is now not talking to me, because he claims I dobbed on him to his ‘cousin’, whom he said that he had stolen his profile pic from (the close up facial feature) yeah… I know… Its all a bit fucked up and crazy.. and I obviously have nothing better to do than to spend time on it… A bigger man would have just walked away early on.. but, I am only 5” 7.. or 6, I am never sure... so obviosuly i am not that 'bigger' man..... errr unless 'bigger' means weight... height/weight ratio.. cause I have put on some weight recently ..which might now make me the so called 'bigger man'.. in which case.. I should have just walked away....

Anyway...when it comes to my recent experiences as a single man, in a nut shell:

Mr New Yorker is a poser

Mr Viking is a rapist

And Mr R is really Mr V, unless it is really the other way around and Mr V doesn't exist at all and it was Mr R all along.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the complexity of friendship and the honesty of individuals

What do we expect of our friends? 'Expect', it's such a harsh unforgiving word,  I keep thinking of that phrase-'expectation leads to disappointment.' But it is a part of our language and I guess it is a learned cognition or thought process.. it is an entrenched part of daily life, expectations are everywhere... but let us steer away from a rant of societies sad reliance on expectations (and the laziness of it).... and let us also move away from how i much prefer us to be zen-like and approach each person and event with a clean slate (tabla rasa)... without expectation....but who among us can do this always?, I know I cannot.. but again i rant....let me return to the topic of friends...

Friends, they are there for us, but should we expect them to be? Friends/partner.. how do they differ?... well except from the obvious difference of 'sexual intimacy' (but then the concept of 'friends with benefits' blurs that once obvious boundary), there is intimacy  between friends, there is love, trust, a shared history... When it comes to partners I have always said that our partners are not our one-stop-shop. That we cannot expect our partners to be everything to us, lover, companion, friend, confidant etc...what about our friends? Surely this would extend to them as well?

In ye olden days, yes, the good old days when we lacked a certain standard of hygiene, 3-D cinema and affordable 4 star hotels.. yes, before urbanisation, we were surrounded by extended family and this large group was made up of people who fulfilled different social and emotional functions and 'shared the load', we all did. Now days we live in tiny rooms, in cities of anonymity. Our circles of friendship and trust seem smaller and we seem to rely on less people for more.  We seem to burn out those around us, our partner's and our friend's. Is it any wonder that relationships don’t seem to last as long as they used to? (I acknowledge that this is a complex issue and one factor is not the only reason for the breakdown in long term relations (a sad feature of modern life), but surely this reason must weigh heavily?). What do we do?.. stop sharing in order to ensure how friendships, our relationships survive.. but what does this really mean?.. To keep things to ourselves, to be secretive, to be dishonest, to have shallow relations. Is this what we want? I know I don't want this. I value the deepness and honesty of my friendships.. the fact that we share and discuss many things, sure we are flip and glib at times, laugh and act silly, but we can also talk of deep things, share tears, and be honest about our hopes, fears and failings, this is all quite normal and natural.. as life is complex, why would be expect our friendships to differ? How boring to limit and compartmentalise our friendships- I can only talk to him about these topics, her about this, and I must not mention homosexuality or religion to that one... how painful. Sure this might be the case for certain exceptions, but how sad if it is to be the rule. But how do we ensure that we do not over burden our loved ones? Do we seek other means of venting and release? What other ways can our social and emotional burdens be shared? I do not know.... Do we need to go back to the days of being part of larger groups, so that the social and emotional support is shared?, and if so, how do we re-connect with these larger groups of people? Or do we just ensure that we take enough personal time and space when we need to 'recharge' our abilities to listen and be empathetic?

Recently I had an interesting chat with a mate, who felt that while on one hand I was being uncomfortably honest in my blogging (for him and his mates), and he felt that the sharing of emotional material was not meant to be done on a forum such as a blog, on the other hand, he was tired of my on going dialogue about .. well you know.. that guy I still like (yes i am sure we are all tired of this, none more so than that person himself!). My friends tiredness of my topic of conversation is far from wrong, we all hold a right to be tired of any topic of conversation. I tire of my own topics and self often!! (oh to be me...) but his thoughts on being too honest... well i disagree.
My friend was concerned that bloging was becoming a substitute of sorts, for discussion of intimate and serious matter that is best done with friends or counsellors. Sure, blogging is a form of public journaling. It is a form of communication, but that does not mean that it replaces traditional methods of communication, no, i see it as complimenting them.

I can honestly say that I do not blog as a substitute for counseling, nor to raise red flags that I need help.. I blog about whatever I feel like writing about at the time,and only share what I feel comfortable doing. Why? why not?? We need more emotional honesty in this world....Without it what are we? My female friends read some of my 'emotionally honest' blogging and share their own similar experiences, it becomes a conversation starter...a way to connect to each other. Instead of sitting somewhere and feeling like you are the only person who has ever experienced something.... Unfortunately some of my male friends fill a stereotype, they cringe and feel angry or upset..such strong emotional responses, about err...their uncomfortableness and disapproval of the sharing of emotional experiences (yeah.. I am confused over this one as well)- 'We men, we no talk about emotions, you quiet! me go club tonight's dinner, you make stew'.

What are we if we cannot be honest? or to be deep? Shall we be shallow or forever flippant instead?, To do so is to live a partial life, a dishonest and untruthful one.... I do not say that we need to be accepting of another’s honesty, for that is personal and for the individual to decide what they are comfortable with... but surely honesty is to be encouraged.. for is this not a value that we try and instill in children? I think about the disproportionately high number of young gay men in regional settings who take their own lives because they cannot be honest about be honest or not be, that is the question ! I do know that there isn't  'one' right answer.. only an answer that is right for each of us. For me, my right answer is 'honesty within the realms of comfortableness'. For you?.. well, only you can say. And as for sharing the load of each others emotional and social 'baggage', so that we do not burn each out out, how do we do that?.. I have no idea... I'll think about that one, after my next counselling session.. err I mean .. after i have posted my next blog ;-)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Dec 2010

The good:

A couple of things to list as being 'good'.

Firstly, Christmas.. Yes.. some may be shocked to hear me say this.. because this year I have become the proverbial 'Scrooge'. I have no Christmas decorations up, I am not sending out cards, I am not buying gifts and I am refusing to participate in celebrations... but on serious reflection...despite the various meanings given to christmas; a time to celebrate the birth of christ, a time where st nick gives gifts, or just a time for loved ones to be together, regardless the reason to celebrate it, Christmas becomes a time in which we reflect upon what is important to us, and we often communicate this to those we love. So for this reason itself my heart is melting a little towards 'Christmas'.. so lets reflect and communicate!

The other 'good' thing that is filling me with joy is...the harvest of my first homegrown Blueberry!!!!!  Yay and Yum!!!!!

(again the wanna-be hand model insists on being in shot.... yikes.. what am I going to do about this little problem??? I have never had this problem with my right hand, perhaps because I have always favoured my right hand, Ahh !!! maybe the poor left hand has been starving for attention, poveretto!!)

the bad:

Ok, no surprises here... Its 'Christmas' !
Christmas is a time that we often fall into the consumer trap. We spend and buy gifts that aren't needed, some people borrow money to buy gifts.. thinking the value is in the gift itself or the quantity of gifts… rather than what is expressed in the giving. Are we missing the point of Christmas entirely?... and what values are we instilling in the younger generations with this sort of behavior?.. are we helping them create a sense of expectation and greed, rather than values such as gratitude, appreciation and respect for what we have? All the while, people are starving and dying from lack of affordable or available medical aid across the planet.

While I am talking about Christmas, let me give you a 'what not to do'-
Apparently group emails expressing your heart felt sentiments are not 'ok'. I sent one instead of Christmas cards to a small selection of loved friends, but responses varied from ‘ Tightarse!!’ to.. ‘group emails that start with ‘dear friend’ are worse than Spam!!!’.. so while I thought I was being modern in my use of electronic communications, saving trees and expressing some heartfelt sentiment to a small group of friends, it was seen differently. Moral of the story is, avoid group emails!!!  It does beg the question, is it the thought that counts or how the thought is communicated?

The ugly:

I was chatting with a friend about everyone’s favorite topic.. ie ‘Me’.. and my lovely friend stated ‘..and I can't believe your single'...(though I wonder if she was taking the piss... ) Anyway, after the chat as I was washing up in the bathroom and admiring my handsomeness in the mirror, pondering my friends comment.... It suddenly hit me!! I am verging on being ‘too handsome’!!! This is putting men off, because they fear they will be rejected- for I am seen to be out of their league!!! Yowser !!! How do I address this?.. how do I become just a touch less attractive, so that men feel more comfortable to approach me??? I could rub some dirt over my face, to give me that unwashed look.. but that can be kind of I'll ask Santa to leave some tips under my christmas tree- on reducing my handsomeness just enough so that others feel less intimidated... and once I find my man, I can bring the handsomeness levels right back up! Everyones a winner!!! errr.. I guess that means that I may have to get into the Christmas spirit after all and get out the Christmas tree !!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Belle and Sebastian write about love.

Belle and Sebastian write about love, so do I, so does everyone. Where Belle and Sebastian sing in a major key, I mope about clinging onto a minor chord.

Love is an elusive and mythical beast much like a unicorn, chimera or altruism. It promises so much, we dream and search for it, but it is never seen. It is a story that we tell our children.

Love… the fable, the beast in which we put so much hope and time into finding, and then IF we were to find it, we would then live in fear that it would soon be lost. Nothing lasts forever and love is too good to be true. We are told that it is an ideal to strive for, a state of being, ‘nirvana’, but is it? IF we were to do a cost/benefit analysis, weigh up the years of uncertainty, of suffering, of waiting, the years of loneliness, of feeling forlorn and forsaken, rejected and unloved…Does it all make up for a few POSSIBLE moments of bliss? Even if love was happened upon, by chance perhaps (and saying that, you would have more luck winning the lottery), if you did stumble across love, you are then faced with the other person, for they have to love you the same for it to work. Love unreturned is unrequited and can become obsession-unhealthy and poisonous. So not only do we spend all of this time, energy and suffering in the search for love, but unless the other loves us in return, it is for naught. I laugh contemptuously for all I have ever known was of unrequitedness and rejection.

I am so used to failure that I doubt I would recognize love should it ever arrive. Instead, I will likely still be chasing those who could not care any less and who do not love me.  And yet…. ever the hypocrite am I, for despite it all, I still yearn for love and have hope. There is still the thought that calls out, somewhere deep in me, refusing to disappear, whispering ‘one day, somewhere he will be and will love you as you deserve’.

Stuart from Belle and Sebastian sings ‘Don’t touch me, if you touch me you can never go back’, It should be, ‘Don’t touch me, if you touch me I can never go back’.  I think of ‘him’… Yes… If we had just chatted and that was it... he would be forgotten, perhaps not easily, for is cute and has a lovely smile… but this would be a memory that could be eroded with enough time, but we did more than chat, we shared and as clichéd as it sounds (for the truth is often a cliché), he touched me and I saw that he was special and unlike any other. I have tried not to like him, I really have, I have told myself all the reasons why I should not, why I cannot, why it will not be. I have had counseling, alternate therapy/treatment, you name it and I have tried it. It has been 6 months and though I have my moments where I feel better, I cannot stop liking him, despite him not caring for me, I cannot stop. I ask the Lord above why and the Lord does not answer.

Why am I giving another the power over my happiness. The locus of control is externalized and I cannot bring it back to me. I hate this. I hate it!! I want to reclaim my power, my happiness, my life, I want to be happy in my loneliness again… well not happy, for that is impossible, but ‘used’ to it again, used to the feeling of being alone, I want to be solely responsible for my happiness and warm in the knowledge that there was not and will never be one to love me… but he has changed all of that… He has shown me a possibility. I am on edge, waiting for words that never come, waiting for the love that will never come… waiting for him, who will never come…

I sit here miserable.

Merry Christmas.

I go back to Belle and Sebastian, maybe they have an answer for me… Stuart sings ‘and its dumb, thinking of you …the way that you were’ He is right, I can’t cling to the past, to a moment in time regardless how special, but how do I let go??? The song continues and Stuart addresses me- ‘you could love’, Is this the answer? Is loving the way out, to love, to love myself…but can I? I don’t know… I don’t know… as if he heard me, Stuart responds ‘you can love…’

I smile… I can try Stuart,

I can try.

A series of Major chords sends me off on my way.

Friday, December 3, 2010

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue Dec 2010

Something old:

and something a bit different.... Gene Kelly tap dancing on roller skates!!! I think the song is called 'I like myself'. My good mate Peter J. W. introduced me to this piece, the picture quality is not great, but you'll get the general idea of how amazing this is..

Something new:
Can you say- 'Gogol Bordello' ????
because the live version of 'Immigraniada' on Jools Hollands... ROCKS!!!!

Something Borrowed:

K.D. Lang and her sublime version of Cole Porter's - 'So In love'

Something Blue:

The Bats and their AMAZING tune 'Made up in blue'.. if you only watch one of these clips, make sure its the Bats clip and then also the K.D. Lang one !! Guaranteed to make your life better... or your money back!!!

Lastly and only because it's almost Christmas time..
Something Christmasy!!!!

The Hives and Cyndi Lauper - 'A Christmas Duel'

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

a few socially unacceptable things

Recently a few people have commented on my height (or lack thereof), someone actually said 'your short for a guy' and the other person said 'your cute, but short'... nice. At the time I forget to recite what my mum told me to say if ever anyone picked on me because of my height- she said 'tell them that your mum said that good things come in small packages'.. .yeah I seem to remember that working really well in Primary school when i was being called 'shrimpy' ;-)

Something else that happened was that I saw a non English speaking client I hadn't seen in a while...she was excited to see me (can you blame her?), and gave me what I assume she thought was a compliment.. she said 'oh... your looking healthy' and then pointed her fingers accusingly towards my stomach and then drew her hands out to make the shape of a very large ball.. yeah i get it! I have put on a few kilos... and can now possibly be described as a short fat and bald man who wears glasses, which is kind of a hot look... if I don't say so myself, throw in a bow tie and WATCH OUT city of Melbourne ;-)

In all seriousness though, commenting on a persons height or weight??, this one is a no-brainer, come on !!! who doesn't know that you can't do this?, regardless of your cultural background!
Having said that, I did ask a lady who is a 'tall midget' if she asks taller people to get things off the supermarket shelf for her, only because I do that myself sometimes. She didn't really answer.. she just gave me a 'yeah, the supermarket can be tricky' response and her eyes went all large and then she just stared at me in silence. Are these signs of a crazy person ?? Because I think they might be...

Something else which is not quite right:

A very mature mandarin speaking client, who doesn't speak English and seems to love me (what is it with people loving me??), saw me after a month or so and excitedly bowed to me, did a little Namaste/hands in prayer position thing and said something in Mandarin.. ok, that is very acceptable and encouraged... but made me feel pressured to return the I bowed, did a namaste/prayer hand thing and because I don't speak Mandarin, I made something up that kind of sounded Chinese, and figured that if I said it fast enough, he wouldn't notice it was made up, but be delighted with my terrible effort... Yeah, I know.. why did I do it??!!! Not socially acceptable, but as I was put under pressure by him to return the gesture.. I don't think that makes me entirely to blame.

Last on the list is people sneezing.

While sneezing is socially acceptable, provided that it is done in a respectful manner and that you don't spray your fine misty and slightly smelly nasal droplets everywhere (I have no idea why a 'sneeze' smells, but it does)...If someone says 'bless you', you HAVE to respond. A few times recently, I said 'bless you' in the tram to a fellow passenger and I received no response, which is not socially acceptable! I had to stop myself from pointing out to them that I had said 'bless you '... I did however look around the tram for support and gave other passengers a little nod with raised eyebrows (which said 'you saw what just happened, can you believe that?!?') and then l gave a sideways look at the offending passenger in a 'Tsk Tsk' manner. Surely this is the kind of thing the transit police/inspectors should be looking out for?

What is happening to modern society???