Thursday, April 3, 2014

The little black Melways

There I was, I had just sold my car to a very straight, young middle eastern mechanic who worked for my mechanic, who I had been going to for years and years. I had given the young man the keys and said kindly (because I am a very generous man!), "Keep the Melways, it is current, I have no need of it"..... and then a day later I realised with embarrassment what I had left him with, was actually my little 'black' Melways!

***At this very early juncture, I should point out that 'Melways' is the brand of a Melbourne (where I live) street directory. The 'Mel' in Melways being for Melbourne. I did not realise this till a couple of years ago when I was interstate and asked someone if there was a Melways about so that we could work out how to get 'unlost. They they looked at me like I was an idiot .. "Umm this is Brisbane...Melways are for Melbourne!, here it is called Brisways!" they snorted. "Oh!", was my confused and embarrassed reply. Who knew?

Now, back to the main point of all of this!....Being a single modern man, I have been 'out there'. I don't mean in the garden doing some much needed weeding, but out there, on the dating scene. Dating is word that for me has wholesome connotations and I guess the modern scene is often anything but...but what is my point? A post lamenting the loss of more innocent times? No, something a little more sordid. Today's dating scene is more like a .. well, you meet online, you exchange 'vitals' and interests and then before you have finished saying hello and starting the small talk about the weather and contemporary art, 'Bob's your uncle!' ( a euphemism for: making hay while the sun shines (can you use a euphemism to explain the meaning of another euphemism?)).

So, being an 'out there' modern dating man, I have had my fair share of 'dates' and because I can be forgetful.. I would dot point important details of said dates .. name, address, phone number, 'vitals', 'interests' and important information like - 'nice guy but boring', 'bad breath' etc.... now, because I am practical.. I go that little bit further with all of this and just in case I want to go back on another 'date'.. I placed these little bits of paper, on the actual page of the Melways  (road directory) where they lived. This obviously makes it easier for me if I wanted to visit them again. With me being 'that way inclined'.. this also means these little bits of paper obviously had other men's details on them. 

Anyway ..So here I am, having sold my car and given away my little black Melways with all of it's dirty little secrets, names, addresses, numbers etc,  to a young and very straight  mechanic, who worked for my mechanic  etc.......which all means that obviously I can never go back to that most brilliant of brilliant mechanics.... but at the same time I cannot leave these other peoples personal details 'out there' in the greater world where they may be  used to hurt them in some way... can I?  

Maybe?

What a dilemma!.. what to do?
I mean, another option would be to have the young man sacked so that I can go back to my mechanics if I need to and then won't have to shamefully face him.

Before anyone gets all up in arms, of course I know what I 'must' do...which is the 'right thing' of course! Being of southern Italian blood, the 'right thing' would mean to have him 'removed' permanently. But, being a kind hearted man, I ignore the voice of Calabrese reason and
after much deep breathing and many slugs of hard liquor, I venture back to the mechanics (where I knew the car was waiting on some much needed repair work) and asked  my car's new young owner if I could grab an important document I think I left in the Melways..  He was polite enough and pointed out where the car was. Acting as calm as a cucumber I quickly nabbed all the dirty little bits of proof of the wicked life I had led ( a statement which incorrectly infers that I am now a model catholic!) and believe it or not.. In a panic I actually contemplated  eating the 'evidence' in case he came over and caught me red-handed with it.. but then thought about how I had no fluid/drink to wash the paper down with and my mouth would surely get all dry.. because it was probably like eating dry biscuits.. right?..and your mouth gets so dry that you can't actually swallow! So I took it all home and shredded it instead. I sighed a huge sigh of relief because not only was I amazingly clever and saved the day for millions of unsuspecting gay, bisexual and 'curious' Melbourne men, but now, no one would ever know about my shameful little black Melways.

I am certain that there is a lesson there in all of this... but I'll be buggered if I can find it ;-)

3 comments:

  1. Hello Matthew:

    Shame!! You should most definitely have left the Melways in the car as, for all you know, you might have, in so doing, have introduced him to a new and different way of life with much of the ground work, so to speak, already carried out.

    Was he, we wonder, nice looking??!!

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    1. Hello Jane and Lance.. I could have introduced him to a new lifestyle! He was engaged to a woman..so not sure how she would feel or his, as he described them, very traditional parents. While I did not find him to be handsome, I can see how some people might. For the record, my apparent bad taste in men is legendary, so he is likely to be considered by some to be model-esque! :-)

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  2. hehehehhehehehe! My Melways sound boring compared to yours!

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