Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I am writing to inform you of my severe disappointment with you and your service. So much was promised in your name and yet, here I stand with naught but myself and these fading dreams and unfulfilled requests (ie orders). Several well respected people had advised me of your services and also informed me that not only were these services free (which is a bonus in my books), but that you could provide for any wish. I have now asked at least on half a dozen occasions for a man and here I am, still single.

At first I was very detailed and specific with my request. I stated emotional, spiritual and physical characteristics, but with each unfulfilled request I grew less and less detailed, finally being in essence, prepared to take what ever man you had in stock for me, even a eunuch. Dear Uni (If I may call you that.. I feel that we have become quite close in our frequent, yet one sided communications), my disappointment stems, not so much from you not being able to fulfil a simple request, but from your rudeness of not replying. You took my orders without a word and never gave me anything in return, not even a :

Dear Sir,
We are sorry to inform you that your soul mate is currently out of stock. We hope to have more soul mates in stock later in the year, please try ordering again with us at a later date,
We apologise for any inconvenience…

Nor a :

Dear Mr Schiavello,
Your ‘not quite the man of my dreams, but he will do’ is on order. We expect him to be delivered to us in 8-12 weeks. Once he has been received in our factory and we are satisfied that he meets our strict high standards, he will be shipped straight off to you...

No, I have received nothing back from you, no notification, no hysterical or contemptuous laugh suggesting that I am dreaming... nothing. This is poor customer service… no I am being too kind, Uni this is appalling customer service. I cannot understand how something so powerful as yourself, that has a global population of about 6.8 billion people to pick from, you cannot even find me one gay man (preferably not attached.. but only if that’s a possibility I don’t want to be too picky). Anyway…surely the least you can do and the most polite thing would be to inform me of your inability to live up to the expectations and hype of others. To date I have submitted just over half a dozen orders (ie notes under my pillow) and so far I have received no advice from you either way.

Your service is substandard and I will certainly be telling my colleagues, friends and family members to avoid it at all costs.  I have heard on the grapevine that an extended family of recently arrived refugees are opening up a competing service across the road. While my experience with you may have scarred me for life and limited me to being unable to hope for anything more than this current life of singleness, I will however be doing all I can to direct all business away from you and towards your new competition, for I am sure that they will provide their customers with what you so far have not been able to, namely respectful communication and outcomes!


Matthew Schiavello.

P.S. I had submitted a final order just last night and IF this order can be completed, then please disregard the above, 

Yours faithfully,

Matthew Schiavello.  

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