. You pointed out the light as we went on a walk that afternoon. Which is why I name this 'after' you. You stopped at every place I asked you to and never looked bored, nor were impatient. It was the last day of the year. We were invited to a party, but I said that I preferred to just be with you. You smiled in agreeance as we headed back to your place and ordered in. We drank to celebrate life and us. I tried to keep up with you, and ended up on the bathroom floor at 3am. I should have known better. It was a good reminder to be myself when I am with you. It was a good reminder that I don't need to impress you, as you accept and love me just as I am, as I do you. . We woke up together on New Days day. I felt the luckiest person in the world. Not because I didn't have a hangover, But because you had your arms around me. We lay in bed for ages just being with each other.
Each month a friend and I take it in turn to chose a theme, to come up with something creative to post on Instagram. Usually I post a photograph. But this months, theme, chosen by my friend Jules 'Don't look back in anger', made me think about doing something different. Here is my contribution (shared here, because Intsagram is not good for long text posts, and try as I did, I couldn't fix the crap formatting.
Don't look back in anger:
“Don’t look back in anger”, they said. Your anger makes us feel uncomfortable. Your anger scares us. Your anger is not needed. It is vulgar.
The truth is they
don’t know what to do with my anger, it is too real. My anger is a
reminder of what they failed to protect me from, from that which has
deeply scarred me. The truth is, my anger helped me survive. My anger
stopped me ending my life. My anger gave me the strength to make it to
the other side. The truth is, my anger is a flag, it yells and draws
attention to those that hurt me, to those that ‘got away with it’, there
were no consequences for them. My anger reminds this society and the
individuals in it, that they failed me, as they failed and still
fail many others.
“Don’t look back in anger” they say, sipping their lattes and brunching away. Don’t you want to be happy? Can’t you move on? Can’t
you let it go, or forget about it? These demands, openly disguised as
questions, make them as guilty as those who hurt me, who abused me. It
makes them complicit in covering up the acts and shows them as
colluding. They may as well have held me down those many, many times.
Don’t tell me to stop looking back in anger. Don’t.
I am not responsible
for your feelings of uncomfortableness. I am not responsible for your
fear of my anger. I get it. I really do. The truth is, that you don’t
know how to sit with my anger and my hurt. That is ok, I don’t expect you to.
‘But, haven’t you been angry for long enough now?’ they ask. Disappointed, I gently shake my head from side to side and reply ‘No’.
“It is not you, but the others...” is a phrase I seem to
hear more and more. Whenever I ask these people to define these 'others' and
what percentage of the population (or of a 'group' of people),they are referring to, they don't seem to be
able to do so.
I ask - do they make up fifty percent or more? 'No' is the
response. When asked if the number is more like five percent, they reply
'MORE!'. When I push for a figure or even to give me examples....they can't.
Sometimes they act sheepish, sometimes they mumble 'Someone told me about some
people they knew', or “I read something in the paper” (or saw it on TV). The
reality is that no actual examples can be given when pressed, or if you are
very lucky, perhaps an example can
be found. Yet the 'zero', or the 'one' example, seem to make up more than five
percent, but less than fifty percent of a whole group of people...which often
leaves me baffled.
Which groups are these sweeping generalisations being made
about? You name a marginalised group of people and you will hear some variation
of the diatribe being delivered. The unemployed are deemed 'dole bludgers',
Muslims are deemed terrorists and the poor are generally thought of as lazy or
lacking the motivation to succeed. For those sprouting the diatribe, they are
never referring to those people they personally know who are part of the
'group', but are talking about the 'others'.
Where do these false and misguided beliefs come from and
why do they exist? Who benefits from them? When did we stop being critical
thinkers? Let us look at one group- the unemployed. The thought that seems to
pervade society, that unemployed people are as a group, all lazy and
'bludgers', is unproven. In any group of people, there are likely to be
'outliers' and in the case of the unemployed, this may mean (in a very
simplified way), a person who has the capacity and ability to work, but doesn't
want to. In my experience working with the unemployed, I hadn't come across
anyone who was like this. I did however, come across people who couldn't work
or find work, for a variety of reasons.
I worked with people who applied for job after job after
job, but were not successful in obtaining an interview.Sometimes it was as simple as their age, lack
of experience, and believe it or not, their over-experience in a role. I worked
with people who were successful in getting a job but wouldn't last long due to
complex issues, such as an inability to contain their emotions, which lead to
physical or verbal fighting at work (for some of these clients, who's
backgrounds I knew of, attachment theory made perfect sense). There are those
whose prior substance or alcohol use, damaged their ability to learn new
things/retain new information. There were those who had very low self esteem
and didn't present well to employers. There were those who had low level
anxiety and/or depression and had not sought clinical diagnosis or help. Add to
these examples the unemployment rate and the chances of gaining employment
naturally reduce in a competitive market.
Yet, despite the complexity of why people are unemployed
(aside from the obvious reason that there are no jobs for them), we as a
society, largely seem to cling to the view that the unemployed are 'dole
bludgers' or lazy, of course not you, you are different, it's the others...
How healthy is holding this view and what impact does it
have on the unemployed? Does it steer the conversation on unemployment away
from the real reasons/issues and how they can be addressed? Maybe there isn't a
solution to unemployment. Will we ever have more jobs than we have people? If
the answer is no, then it stands to reason that we will have those in the
community who need to receive unemployment benefits to cover the costs of
essentials such as food and shelter. Someone once said that the sign of a civilised society is that it looks
after it's less fortunate. I would boldly add that a civilised society also
critically considers information it is presented, such as those sweeping
generalisations about maginalised groups.
Going back to the dole bludging unemployed, my experience
has shown me that there are individuals in this group who need long term,
respectful, intensive support to help them get to the point where they would
not only be employable, but importantly, would be likely to sustain their
employment. But we don't seem to be having conversations on sustainable
employment. We seem to be more interested in 'numbers' and quick fixes, rather
than lasting solutions. A case in point- The 'work for the dole' program, which
some people in the community see as a great way to move 'dole bludgers' off
unemployment and into the workforce. This program forces the financially
vulnerable (ie the unemployed) to work for free (or else have their
unemployment money cut off). Despite research showing the program doesn't
achieve what it claims it will do, which is to provide employment outcomes, the
program continues and no one is talking about it, or asking who benefits from
turning members of a maginalised group into slave labour. Is this the kind of
society we are proud to be part of and why aren't we talking about this?..not
you, you are a critical thinker, it is the others...the less than fifty
percent, but more than five.
Copyright matthew schiavello 2015. Written as part of my forced work for the dole activity.
I was going to write a (hopefully) humorously scathing piece on bad bosses.
I have had more than my fair share of them, especially those bosses that 'talk the talk' but don't actually follow through and do anything. You know the ones, they don't communicate honestly or well. Here is a recent example:
Boss : "Tell me what I can do, to help you do your job to the best of your abilities"
Me: "Well, as I am on the road 4 days a week doing one-off visits to people living all over the city and it's outlying suburbs.. I really need a GPS"
Boss: "Sure, ummm can you email these people at head office and see if you can track a spare one down and... let me know how you go."
Me (After contacting several people via phone and email.): "No one has one. It was suggested to put a request through to I.T. They can order one for us and bill our business unit."
Boss: "OK, thanks for doing that. Can you give me some quotes for a GPS from this large chain store?"
Me (months after providing the quotes to my boss): "Hi, just wondering how you are going with those quotes for the GPS I emailed you a while back, I really need one."
Boss: "Sorry, I have been really busy, umm.. can you email them to me again and I'll look at that and get back to you"
Me: "Ok, just to remind you, one was $100 for a year of maps and then you pay to update your maps after that, and the other one was $150 for a lifetime of maps."
Boss: "Yeah thanks, if you could send me another email, that would be great."
Me (again, months later): "I know you are busy, but I really need a GPS and am wondering how you are going with that request?
Boss: "why do you need a GPS? no one else needs one?"
Me: " I am on the road traveling to new locations 4 days a week in various suburbs of Melbourne. I am currently printing off paper maps on Fridays for the week ahead, amidst doing all my other admin work for the visits I have just completed and doing follow up work. Going into google maps and printing off the screens is slow and time consuming, and uses lots of paper. The work i-phone has a tiny screen which I cannot properly see when driving. I have tried using the voice directions on their own, but as I am concentrating on the road and other drivers, I find that I am missing what was said. Which means I often have to pull over to safely look at the screen and see where I should be turning, or to see which turn I just missed."
Boss: "I still don't understand why you need a GPS"
I never got the GPS, but I did leave that job after one too many similar situations (and much worse).
Anyway,
I was thinking about the importance of clear and honest communication. About how it is essential to all areas of our lives, be it work, home, friends, family, partners etc.
I was thinking of when you are in a relationship and the other person does something you are not happy with. There is that struggle: do I say something right now? If so, what is the best way of saying this so that they can hear what is being said and do not feel attacked? Is this more about me? Is this significant or important enough to raise? or... the classic - they saw the way I reacted and this is enough to let them know I was not happy and I am sure this won't happen again!
Where do you draw the line about what is important enough to raise? How do you ensure that what has not been raised, does not sit in a growing and festering pool of what has not been said, to possibly one day overflow and become much bigger than need be? In other words, how do you minimise the risk of a future explosion of bottled issues?
If you and the other person have differing communication styles, how do you find the middle ground?
Take the word 'person' out and replace it with partner, friend, boss, brother/sister etc.
Apparently, relationships don't just happen, they involve work!
I was recently listening to Billy Bragg on ABC's 'In conversation' and he talked about being with his partner for 22 years. He said that the really big challenge in relationships is to maintain them. His song 'Chasing Rainbows" off his 2013 LP "Tooth and Nail", is himself at 55 years of age, exploring questions such as: trying to keep up with your partners expectations, and also how to try and manage these expectations.
Billy is a great lyricist and this track has some great lines, such as:
"I know you think if I just tried
We would never fight at all
But I know there will still be days into which some rain must fall
So I'll do my best to meet the test
But darling don't forget
If you go chasing rainbows
Then you're bound to end up getting wet."
Billy Bragg - "Chasing Rainbows"
I would add that we should also be asking ourselves 'how do we also manage our own expectations of our partner/boss/friend/family member and our own expectations on how our relationships SHOULD be?' Yes, 'should' and according to whom?
I recently found myself with one of those classic thoughts, that we all have at some point. A thought that I am glad I caught early on, before it had a chance to become something more than a small thought: "Why should I keep putting in the effort when the other person doesn't. 'They' need to step up and put in as much effort as I do!". Yep, and you know what happens once you stop making an effort.
It is 'ok' and completely normal to feel tired or exhausted from time to time. I know that. If you did decide to stop making an effort, that is completely fine as well, as long as you are really honest and clear with yourself about why you stopped and what the implications for the relationship are due to this. Be really honest, did you stop because you are game playing? Is it tit for tat? Or do you simply not care anymore? Is not making an effort, in line with how you want to be in a relationship? Whether it is your boss, friend or partner? By acting in this way, are you living in integrity?
I guess that is one of the key questions. How do you remain in integrity in your communications and in your relationships. Be it boss, partner, friend, brother, sister, whomever.
Being in a relationship, being one imperfect human with another, means that there will be difficult times. There will be times ahead where you may feel that communication could be better and that one or both of you are not living up to 'expectations'. The trick is how you manage these times. How you uncover what the issues are, what the expectations are and how you work through them together. Just like any team effort, sometimes that means that one person puts in a little more, in order for the team to reach the goal. Sometimes only one of the team members have the necessary skills needed to successfully deal with that particular issue. Sometimes it is the other way round. The important thing is honest, clear and respectful communication.
Anyway... Now to work out what it means to manage 'those times'.
I should finish on something light. Perhaps a joke?
Photograph from my instagram site- matthew_schiavello and taken by me.
Words and photographs copyright matthew schiavello
The title 'the birds will sing from us', inspired and taken from the Ed Harcourt track of the same title.
Recently a couple of things were said that made me smile. A work mate used the word 'grouse' to describe how much fun she had at a night out ('Matty, I had such a grouse time') and someone else said they were so annoyed with something they wanted to "wring it's neck". Geez Louise, I can't remember the last time I heard these words/phrases used!
The great thing about slang and colloquial words and phrases, is that we are still able to get our point across to those who are part of our 'social collective'. Language is ever evolving and depending on where you come from, live and who you socialise with, you may well use language that others will not understand. New words/phrases are constantly being created and old words and phrase may fall by the wayside and be forgotten. I have seen (and loved it) the look on the face's of those who didn't understand what was seeing said when they heard such things as:
'She'll be apples'
'That's my blue'
'Ahh ya Bludger
"Pop on ya togs/budgie smugglers"
'Let it rip'
'Built like a brick shithouse'
'That party was shithouse'
'Ya a bloody Bogan, that's what you are'
'Watch out for Bunyips!'
'Go on, chuck a sickie!'
'You're as mean as cat's piss'
'Ahh, I feel like a Coldie'
'Pass the dead horse'
'He's a dag!'
'Fair Dinkum'
'and we grabbed the doovalacky...' also used are 'Thingo', 'Wadjamacallit', 'Thingummy' & 'whatsit'.
'Fair suck of the sav!'
'Ya Galah!'
'G'day'
'Give it a burl'
'Hooroo!'
'He's a mongerel!'
"Have a go ya mug!'
'We're off to the never never'
'In the nud/nuddy'
'you want to see my old fella?'
'It's a piece of piss, mate'.
'Pigs arse!'
Bring a plate!' (and they do, except the plate is empty!)
'That'd be right'
She'll be right'
'It's ridgy didge!'
It was a real rip snorter!'
"I'll have a roadie/traveller'
'The fridge is rooted!'
'I'm a two pot screamer!'
'That stands out like a shag on a rock!'
'Hows that new sheila?'
'I'll have some spag bol'
'You know that new bloke's a sheepshagger'
'Mate I'm stonkered'.
'He's gone troppo'
'I'm true blue mate'
'Your as useful as tits on a bull'.
'Don't chuck a wobbly'
'It's gone walkabout'
'You wacker!'
'Hes from woop woop'.
'Chuck a yewy'
'Ya bloody yob/yobbo'.
It all started back when my mother joined the digital revolution and went online. It wasn't long before she created a Facebook account and then... yes, sent me a friend invite.
I put off responding and took this dilemma to my friends. Their response was a resounding 'NO!'. I think they all added a variation to the effect of 'are you insane? why would you even need to ask if this is ok? Of course it isn't!' Apparently, you do not add your mother to your Facebook account, I understand this now, but couldn't help but feel really guilty! After all, this was the woman that carried me for nine months, gave birth to me, fed me, changed me and loved me.... how can I not accept a friend request from my mother??? What kind of an ungrateful son would I be? So, I ignored the good advice of my friends and accepted my mother's 'friend request' and then things became awkward.
At first it was 'kind of' ok. When no one responded to one of my posts, my mum would support me by posting encouraging comments like 'I like everything that matthew does'.. yep, it's just like the encouragement ribbons I used to get at Little Athletics (cause I was shit at Little Athletics), except this time it is a public post on Facebook by my mother. Anyway, things were reasonably ok, until the phone call. Which went a little like this:
Mum-' Hi, X is sending you a Facebook invite, so just make sure you accept that when it comes through'
Me- 'What??!!, Who is this person??'
Mum- 'you know my friend X...'
Me (becoming a tad hysterical at this point and reverting to a 12 year old)-'MUM! I am NOT accepting friend requests from YOUR friends, OH MY GOD!! My friends told me NOT to accept your friend request and now look what is happening!!!!'
Mum, a little hurt and puzzled- 'Why would your friends tell you not to be my friend on Facebook??'
Me (hearing the hurt in my mothers voice and now rightfully feeling like complete crap!)- 'Cause you're my mum and it is not cool!! But I told them I couldn't turn down my mothers friend request...'
Mum (now with some pride in her voice) - 'come on love, just for me, for your mum!'
Me- 'mum, how did they even find me on Facebook (I have my fathers surname and mum has her maiden name'
Mum- 'well.. X doesn't have many friends so I suggested that they add you... go on , for me, for your mum. I did tell them that you would accept the request.'
Me (feeling that I have no choice in the matter, and making sure my mother knows that I am not happy! and no, I didn't stomp about this time) - 'Ok, that is it!!! no more mum, no MORE!!!! I will accept their friend request, but I don't want anymore of your friends sending me friend requests, ok??!!
Mum- 'Oh, X is not my friend, X is my neighbour.
I just groan at this point.
The next evening, I call mum and advise that I had accepted her neighbour's friend request... mum responded with, 'oh, I just deleted the request they sent me'.
I flip out 'ARE YOU SERIOUS???????". Mum laughs and says 'I deleted it accidentally, I asked X to resend the request'. I think I ended the call very quickly with, 'Ok mum I have to go, I can't talk to you anymore.' All the while I was asking myself, why I didn't listen to my friends in the first place and not accept my mum's Facebook friend request.
I think my mum secretly delights in driving me crazy, in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she is writing a blog called 'Things I do to drive my son crazy'.
There I was, I had just sold my car to a very straight, young middle eastern mechanic who worked for my mechanic, who I had been going to for years and years. I had given the young man the keys and said kindly (because I am a very generous man!), "Keep the Melways, it is current, I have no need of it"..... and then a day later I realised with embarrassment what I had left him with, was actually my little 'black' Melways!
***At this very early juncture, I should point out that 'Melways' is the brand of a Melbourne (where I
live) street directory. The 'Mel' in Melways being for Melbourne. I did
not realise this till a couple of years ago when I was interstate and
asked someone if there was a Melways about so that we could work out how to
get 'unlost. They they looked at me like I was an idiot .. "Umm this is
Brisbane...Melways are for Melbourne!, here it is called Brisways!" they snorted.
"Oh!", was my confused and embarrassed reply. Who knew?
Now, back to the main point of all of this!....Being a single modern man, I have been 'out there'. I don't mean in the garden doing some much needed weeding, but out there, on the dating scene. Dating is word that for me has wholesome connotations and I guess the modern scene is often anything but...but what is my point? A post lamenting the loss of more innocent times? No, something a little more sordid. Today's dating scene is more like a .. well, you meet online, you exchange 'vitals' and interests and then before you have finished saying hello and starting the small talk about the weather and contemporary art, 'Bob's your uncle!' ( a euphemism for: making hay while the sun shines (can you use a euphemism to explain the meaning of another euphemism?)).
So, being an 'out there' modern dating man, I have had my fair share of 'dates' and because I can be forgetful.. I would dot point important details of said dates .. name, address, phone number, 'vitals', 'interests' and important information like - 'nice guy but boring', 'bad breath' etc.... now, because I am practical.. I go that little bit further with all of this and just in case I want to go back on another 'date'.. I placed these little bits of paper, on the actual page of the Melways (road directory) where they lived. This obviously makes it easier for me if I wanted to visit them again. With me being 'that way inclined'.. this also means these little bits of paper obviously had other men's details on them.
Anyway ..So here I am, having sold my car and given away my little black Melways with all of it's dirty little secrets, names, addresses, numbers etc, to a young and very straight mechanic, who worked for my mechanic etc.......which all means that obviously I can never go back to that most brilliant of brilliant mechanics.... but at the same time I cannot leave these other peoples personal details 'out there' in the greater world where they may be used to hurt them in some way... can I?
Maybe?
What a dilemma!.. what to do?
I mean, another option would be to have the young man sacked so that I can go back to my mechanics if I need to and then won't have to shamefully face him.
Before anyone gets all up in arms, of course I know what I 'must' do...which is the 'right thing' of course! Being of southern Italian blood, the 'right thing' would mean to have him 'removed' permanently. But, being a kind hearted man, I ignore the voice of Calabrese reason and
after much deep breathing and many slugs of hard liquor, I venture back to the mechanics (where I knew the car was waiting on some much needed repair work) and asked my car's new young owner if I could grab an important document I think I left in the Melways.. He was polite enough and pointed out where the car was. Acting as calm as a cucumber I quickly nabbed all the dirty little bits of proof of the wicked life I had led ( a statement which incorrectly infers that I am now a model catholic!) and believe it or not.. In a panic I actually contemplated eating the 'evidence' in case he came over and caught me red-handed with it.. but then thought about how I had no fluid/drink to wash the paper down with and my mouth would surely get all dry.. because it was probably like eating dry biscuits.. right?..and your mouth gets so dry that you can't actually swallow! So I took it all home and shredded it instead. I sighed a huge sigh of relief because not only was I amazingly clever and saved the day for millions of unsuspecting gay, bisexual and 'curious' Melbourne men, but now, no one would ever know about my shameful little black Melways.
I am certain that there is a lesson there in all of this... but I'll be buggered if I can find it ;-)
This was recently posted on my tumblr, but felt it worthwhile to reprint here.
Me by my mate Dean:
Me by me:
Since growing my beard I have been abused in the street, had
disproving stares and comments from family and friends and generally
been at the receiving end of a lot of racist comments!
I’ve been told on a number of occasions that I should shave my beard
off because I look like a ‘Jew’, others say I should shave it off
because I look like an ‘Arab’ or an ‘Arab terrorist’. This is all said
as if looking like a Jew or Arab is something to be ashamed of. One man
walked past me in the street last week and just as he past me, he
yelled out ‘fucking Arabs!’. This behavior only makes me want to keep my
beard. I consider it an honor to be thought to be part of the rich
culture of my Jewish or Arabic/Middle Eastern brothers and sisters. I
have to say it isn’t all hard going, A couple of middle eastern eateries
I visited, called me brother and gave me some complimentary side dishes
;-)
The bad news for the racists around me is that now that I have
discovered beard wax… the beard will definitely be around for a while!
I do acknowledge that we are all potentially racists in someway, I
know that I have been guilty of it in some ways. I think that racism can
to be taught, learned and past down through the generations. I grew up
with a lot of Greeks who were still very angry towards the Turkish
people for what had happened in the past…These friends were all born
here in Australia and didn’t directly experience the events they were
angry about. I am not attacking my Greek siblings, just using this
example to make a point that leads to a question. The question is, how
do we heal and start to see each other again as individuals and to see
without a lens of hatred and bigotry?
As for me, being gay and growing up on a government housing estate, I
have had my unfair share of homophobic comments and poor treatment. I
am a tough bugger and will plough on regardless of what others think.
Besides, it’s just a beard….. ;-)
Me by Nadia N:
Me by Dani (and yes, I know that shirt needs a rest!):
Lastly, me by me and hey look! different shirt! ;-)
All photographs copyright the respective owners. 2014
Yes, well... we have all heard about it, some of us have gone to it and in case you do not know, it is still on for a couple more days until the 17th of July! Yes, I am talking about the group exhibition I am in, 'Together Again with more Friends', at Steps Gallery (62 Lygon St, South Carlton, Victoria, Australia). Daily from 11am until 5pm.
I will be manning the gallery this Sunday if you want to pop in and say hello.
I am humbled to have sold over half of my pieces! So get down and see what all the fuss is about! A huge thanks to all that helped out at the opening, especially my mates
Dean and Eduardo, their help really made the day a success!
Here are a couple of photos of some of my art work and I, taken by the fabulous Ric!
Ever the serious artists...... actually the truth is, I just never smile for the camera.
The Bad: Hipstergeddon!!!!
Yep, last Monday, Northcote, Thornbury and some other (not so cool) suburbs, had a major power black out for 6 or so hours, lasting until just after midnight! In my area, we did not even have street lights or traffic lights! It was very eerie. Being Northside and being a hipster haven... twitter went mad and here are some of the tweets that I thought to be humorous!
-Van Badham @vanbadham: OMG WHAT INSTA FILTER DO YOU USE IN A BLACKOUT?! #hipstergeddon
-Johan @johanson_anders: Is it raining soy-substitute blood yet in Thornbury? #hipstergeddon
-Joey JoJo Jr Shabado @Straffo: It’s quiet now, #hipstergeddon. This is
merely while they fashion their flat iPhones & iPads into crude
weapons to use in the coming attack.
-Gordon Knight @KankiKnight: Knog lights being distributed to yarn bombers to keep their crucial work going #hipstergeddon
-Lol @wordhappylol: Relief for #hipstergeddon victims as free
replacement beanies are handed out at a secret pop-up laneway location
-Timothy Zeven @Zevensoft: I let my iPhone battery die as a sign of solidarity to those in Northcote #hipstergeddon
-Alli Campbell @CampbellAlli: Hipsters attempting to cross the
blackout border. Met by placards reading “GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME
FROM” #hipstergeddon
-Marc Clancy @clangaz: iPhone battery 2% If I don’t make it through the night tell my naturopath I love him. #hipstergeddon
-Benjamin Solah @benjaminsolah: iPhone nearly dead. Don’t think I’ll
make it. Promise to publish my zine about fixies posthumously
#hipstergeddon
-Joseph Miller @joffotron: My brothers and sisters still in the grip
of the #hipstergeddon, as your batteries die, your voices may be silent
but you are not forgotten.
Do Hipsters watch Q & A? these tweets suggest so....
-Mike Nicholson @Mikey_Nicholson: How could #hipstergeddon happen the
same night as @TurnbullMalcolm is on #qanda?!? THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.
-AlBay @AlisterBayston: If #qanda is broadcast but Northcote is in #blackout, does anybody see it? #hipstergeddon #ifatreefalls
-Declan Fay @declanf: Northern suburbs filled with high pitched
desperate screams, as residents cry their #qanda tweets into darkness.
#hipstergeddon
Lastly, The Hearld Sun newspaper lead their story on the power outage with: "ELECTRICITY became too mainstream for Melbourne hipsters last night."
The Ugly: Referring to oneself in the third person.
My work place has a 'back entrance' to a local cafe, which sees everyone from my quite large workplace, funnel in for coffees and food all day long.. a cash cow, if there ever was one....Recently, as I walked through the special entrance to the cafe to order a much needed morning coffee, I spied a work colleague, intimately holding hands with some new man and looking all googly eyes at him... I stared in disbelief as I walked past them and thought, I get this is a public cafe, but it is one used by work and 90% of the clientele are work people......seriously, is this appropriate? (rhetorical question!).
Anyway, on my way back through, Jane (lets just call her that), saw me and things went a little like this:
Jane, smiling broadly - 'oh, Hi!'
Me, Glaring and putting on a forced smile and a furrowed brow 'Hi'
Jane - 'This is my new man..... ' she said as she gazed off into space...
Me puzzled, but with brow still furrowed, 'Didn't you just break up with someone, like... 2 days ago?
(Do I need to state that I was direct?)
Jane- 'yeah.....Jane is so happy right now' (yes that is right, she referred to herself in the third person!)
Me , quick as a whip and angry as all hell 'DID YOU JUST REFER TO YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON?
Jane, still smiling idiotically... 'yes'...
Me, shaking my head disapprovingly from side to side, as my eyes almost popped themselves out of my head in anger- 'THAT HAS TO STOP! THAT IS NOT OK!'
At which point I turned on my heels and furiously stormed back off to work.
I don't know what was worse, referring to herself in the third person, or being all lovey-dovey in a space which is practically a work cafe... and doing it whilst surrounded by single people! who want to be in a relationship, but are tragically still single....... and yes, matthew is talking about matthew!
Photographs copyright Ric 2013, Art works copyright matthew schiavello 2013
If you try and high five me and you are neither a child or a client of mine, I will stare you down and say (in a nice and polite way) "I don't do the high-five thing".
People generally laugh at me and say I am insane. Just last week a new work colleague said that I need to talk to someone about this and "unpack it". He then pushed me and insisted that I tell him why I don't high five, to which I responded "I don't like it, It is so American, It is childish and fake... not that I am saying that you are fake, cause your not." My colleague thought I was a nutter and almost fell off his chair laughing. Well he did ask...
Only a few days after this event, a volunteer I was supervising, tried to high-five me, I did my whole anti high five thing.... and he counteracted and said that if I didn't high-five him, he would stop volunteering for the organisation.... I was in a pickle. I weighed it up... the team, my values, the team, selling my self out, the team, whoring my self, the team.... I'm sure you follow... in the end I took one for the team and high fived him. I felt like a dirty tramp of a traitor afterwards and had to take a shower. But we all know that it was to no avail because soap cannot wash away guilt and sin.
Don't get me wrong about it being 'American'. I am not anti- U.S.A. After going there and meeting some lovely Americans and having a really positive experience, I see them as being the same as us and just like us, having crap people in power and ordinary citizens in the limelight who do not represent the views of the majority. So maybe instead I should say, it's unappealing stereotyped American behaviour from trash/pop culture, which is over-represented and inaccurate of the behaviour of the majority of Americans or something similarly politically correct, watered down and almost unintelligible. In fact, I may as well have not said anything in the first instance.
Speaking of Americans, yes again with those crazy Americans (I have heard others 'pesky', but I am not one to get involved in international scandals or slagging and I love those crazy Americans, except of course when they are being pesky).. anyway, they even have a national high five day!!! Apparently it is the third Thursday in April.
The website Mashable posted a '10 types of palm smacks for National High Five day. Included in this list are; the selfie, the air high five, the Van der smack and high five/fist bump combo! A few days after reading this list of the differing types of high-five, someone at work tried to fist pump me!! Thank god I knew it is a type of high-five, so knew to refuse! 'Be prepared' is my moto!, well... a moto I stole from some children's club. Speaking of being prepared, a little known but important fact is that on the eighth day (yes, after the seventh day of rest) the lord spoke and said "go forth and act in an age appropriate manner!' It is also unsurprisingly the eleveth commandment, but butter fingers Moses dropped the third stone tablet, so that knowledge was never widely shared. If only at the time he didn't try and do it all himself and asked for some help. A little humility never killed anyone!
If all of this is not enough to sway you to act, dare I say- age appropriately and stop it already with the high-five shenanigans, then hopefully these clips will.. Just remember, 'there but for the grace of god go I'...and if you have no idea what that means, yes I'm talking to you, the high-fivers and potential high-fivers out there- this could be you!
A while back I sent out an email to men I had dated and asked what they
thought I should stop doing when on a date...Yeah, huge I know.. I am
really opening myself up here, but hey, you only live once, or something
like that....Anyway, a few people responded with 'we haven't actually
been out on a date'... yeah, embarrassing!! We had, but I wasn’t going
to get myself into an email war! Well, at least not another one (too
many good people were taken out by friendly fire in the last
one). Anyway, there is the point that maybe, just maybe, I have dated
fewer people than I think I have, or maybe, just maybe I was such a bad
date that these people have suppressed the memory of me and the event.
Both of these are of course highly unlikely and the true answer is
probably that these crap dates were too lazy to write!
Because I am a
glutton for punishment, I also sent an email to my friends asking them
what they think I should stop doing when on a date. My friends after all
have repeatedly heard all about my disastrous dates. The most common
response from dates and friends alike was "I haven't got enough time to
write it all!!!" Second most common response was (and I am guessing
this to be a highly sarcastic response), "Gee... That would be hard,
you are the perfect date." So far, no surprises, I mean seriously, I am single for a reason, and you
know that haters are gonna hate... apparently. ;-)
I’ll also admit that there is some truth in some of
what was sent to me, such as: 'He fusses over the small things' and the
spot on: ‘You over-analyse things too much’, an obvious pitfall of
dating a counsellor! One friend and fellow counsellor actually told me I
needed to stop counselling dates, when out on a date! But if I stop
doing this, how else do I drum up new business? This friend also
suggested that to better give me some helpful responses, she best
observe me on a date and then write up a report outlining her
recommendations! Yep, counsellors! They're a weird mob! So while
I am big enough to admit that there was some truth in those comments... seriously,
where does 'stop picking your nose at dinner' come from? Anyone that
really knows me, knows I use a handkerchief!! I think people were just
making stuff up because they could, like this next response
demonstrates: ‘Stop dating unicorns off the internet’ WTF???
Speaking
of 'stop dating' and 'internet', there was an overwhelming response from
just about all of my friends, for me to stop meeting men online. They
felt that guys who were online (and using the same sites that I am on),
are of a poor quality and possibly all mentally unwell… which kind of
made me unsure what my friends were saying about me, considering I am
also on said sites! As for improving my chances of meeting someone, my brother in-law suggested that I start going to
the gym (and stop being overweight). Another friend similarly suggested that I desperately needed to improve my looks, but as
that was not possible (poor me!), I needed to get rich as this would apparently
make me 250% more attractive. Is it just me or are my friends shallow?? Other practical suggestions were to relax my dress standards, because
according to one friend “moccasins, trakkie dax, towelling shorts are
all perfectly acceptable attire”..Hmmm I am still not sure how to
respond to that one (and yes, I was just calling others shallow ;-))…
Most disturbing of all though was one dear friend who suggested that I
start “Exploring the other half, and thereby increasing the dating pool
by 100%”. Fortunately none of my dates suggested this, otherwise I would
really be worried!
So there it is, and whatever that 'is', I have no
idea except that maybe I need to just keep doing what I am doing,
because obviously no one else has given me decent suggestions. I'd say
that if it ain't broke don't fix it, but I am not sure how that will
help me find a nice decent, down to earth, smart and funny man to date
and maybe start a family with.....Hmm, if only they could clone me, for
me. That would be a definite win-win! ;-)
Recently I have been 'back out there' and dating. It has been fun, awkward and odd...often all at the same time. I am learning on my feet about the whole dating world and it's rules, of which everyone seems to have their own and no one shares the rules before hand. Well, that was before I came on the scene and created a little book of 'What Not to Do', which I hand out to all prospective dates. Some examples from this book have recently been posted here.
This has also got me thinking about what I should stop doing. As you can imagine, I am a little left of centre and sometimes, possibly, maybe not so fun to be around. Highly doubtable of course, but putting that in makes me look humble. So anyway, some of the things I need to stop doing on dates are:
- going on a second date because of guilt. I shouldn't commit to a second date if I am not attracted to a guy. Just because he seems to be a really nice guy, has been rejected by other men in the past and the fact that I am not TOTALLY REPULSED by him, are not reasons for a second date.
- Kissing a guy because of guilt... Hmm, is there a pattern forming here??
- Ignoring that voice in my head. On a few occasions it has strongly suggested that my trip to the toilet become an escape from the date. I have actually sized up bathroom windows and tried to calculate if I and my every growing 'handles of love', can squeeze through, but guilt (yet again) and a history of crap practical application of maths, has led me back to my date (with my head hung low).
- On the first date or two, pointing out the things to the date that I don't like in them. Actually, I probably don't even need to point these things out ever... I am sure that my look of disgust at his moccaSINs are more than enough. God blessed me with an honest face that gives all of my thoughts and feelings away.
- Which leads on to 'being too honest'. It probably is impolite to say to a date 'actually, I'm a little BORED'. Or if they apologise for doing something they feel is inappropriate, I don't really need to screw up my face, shake my head from left to right and say 'yeah, that wasn't good'.
- Speaking of my head, I probably should stop hanging my head to the side or drooping it on the table and sighing heavily when I am bored or not interested.
- I also need to stop letting dates turn into counselling sessions and free ones at that! Over dinner at a nice restaurant, is not really the time to explore in-depth, the date's part in his fractured and failed past relationships nor current traumatic family events.
- Which leads onto my asking about his maturity regarding his finances. We all make mistakes, but if you earn $1500 a week and can't justify where your money goes, my parental face comes out and I start to talk to him about budgeting, his purchases and his financial 'want's' and 'needs'. I should probably stop that, even though my date should really be thanking me for taking the time to help him. On the plus side, if I did cease my free financial counselling during dates, I wouldn't need to keep carrying around blank budget sheets!
- I know that it is kind of wrong to flirt or lead a guy on, not because I like him, but because I am either bored or lonely, so I should consider stopping that. Yeah ok! It is not 'kind of wrong', It is wrong, full stop!
I know it kind of sounds like I might be a smidge of a terrible person...and a nightmare date of gigantic proportions (dare I say datezilla?), but that is not true.. I think.. But then, I am still single....so, go figure...
Do you have anything that you think you need to stop doing on dates?
The Good: Things that help with dieting - Shit snacks in the cupboard!
I have tried a thousand diets.. Ok..being the lazy dieter that I am, I have tried them in my minds eye and could see that they wouldn't work..mostly because I LOVE food....and I am lazy.
So... I found a new diet.. the no food diet.. yes, it goes against my ideology that food is yum and must be eaten... and yes, any nutritionist and/or sensible person would clearly see this is a crazy and stupid diet that NO ONE should do.. however... I have lost of couple of kilos and that is all that matters!
One amazing thing I have found is that when and if you can't cut out snacks.. you need to buy 'Shit snacks'. Yep, SHIT SNACKS, and by that I mean food that looks, smells and tastes disgusting.
Recently I purchased some ridiculously priced 'root vegetable chips'. Even whilst looking at them I found myself thinking 'why would anyone think that parsnips and turnips would make tasty chips?' Soon after, whilst watching a film one night and feeling like a snack (even though I wasn't hungry!), I reached for the 'root vegetable chips'.. and yah, just as I suspected, they were HORRIBLE! To make matters worse, they were LOW SALT!!!! Why sweet Jesus, why??? Being a trooper, I tried to plough on... I really did, but even if I was STARVING and hadn't eaten for a YEAR! I doubt I would have been able to eat those shit snacks, which quickly went into my rubbish bin, cause I didn't even want that shit in my compost bin or worm farm.. cause you know those low salt shit snack nutrients were only going to go back into my garden, into the vegies and yep.. back on my dinner table and straight back to me!
So dear friends, if you are having trouble dieting, due to excess snacking.. the trick is to stock up on shit snacks, because when you do open them.. and you will, they will be so horrible that you won't want to finish eating them and there in lies a small victory for your waistline!!!!
The Bad: Sexual and romantic tension at the dentist's
A good mate, who was sick of me complaining about 'driving for an hour to see my expensive dentist across town', had enough and finally referred me to her dentist, who is not only great, charges reasonable rates, but importantly is only a 15 min ride away. My first visit was an emergency, which uncovered some other work that needed to be done.... So, once the emergency was resolved, the dentist mapped out a treatment plan for the one billion other fillings I need (yes, I have terrible teeth). I was surprised that my old dentists hadn't picked this all up, given I see him every 6 months for a check up AND generally have X-rays done.
Anyway, my new Dentist, here forth know as the Dentist, has lovely green eyes.... and when I am in the chair, his warm soft hands gently caress my face as he delicately works on my mouth. At the end of each session, what would usually be a normal 'blokey' kind of handshake, instead sees his large warm soft hands gently, but firmly enfolding my smaller hands...as our eyes meet above, seemingly whispering to each other...
Yep... True! My friends think that I am making this all up.. I got to the point where I thought, Maybe I was reading this differently to what was really happening, then came my last visit to see him. He hadn't filed a new filling down enough and I couldn't really bite down without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. So, I go back to get it corrected and despite the friend who referred me saying the dentist was gruff, rough and unattractive... he was once again, warm and gentle with me. We actually had this tender and awkward moment where he thanked me for being able to come back in, and I said 'no, no, thank you, for being able to fit me in'.. and he smiled this broad warm smile and said 'not at all'.... and then I think he said something like it was his pleasure...and we stood there awkwardly in silence and I finally said.. 'umm, I guess I better go, thanks'... and said 'um yeah sure' and smiled....both of us feeling like teenagers in love....
So, I think there is sexual/romantic tension there (ok, maybe not tension, but it makes it sound more DRAMATIC!).. and I think the only way forward is for my dentist and I to date and maybe even cut to the chase and just be intimate and loving and make babies who will be blessed with good dental hygiene.... but my fear is for my friends, who are his current patients. Because if it doesn't work out between the Dentist and me... then where does that leave them, his patients? Like any immature break up, will they have to choose a 'side', or will he just cut them loose, cause they are 'my friends'?? I am definitely not immature, but I can't really speak for the Dentist!
The Ugly: Guilt
It is winter here and we are having the winters I recall from many years back- cold, wet and crap. I have to say I am loving them for a change. We have not long come out of a ten (plus) year drought and we have water back in our dams again!!! Anyway, recently I saw a film with a mate and he was running pretty late..so instead of waiting alone in the cinema foyer, which had no heating except for one oil column heater that three people were already crowded around...!!!! I decided to walk to the local video store which was only a few shops away, and kill time browsing their shelves in the small, cosy and warm shop... sounds good, except that when I opened the door to the shop and let in an Artic blast... the owner was right there and copped it all. He looked up and seeing it was me, warmed up and was like 'Oh, hello Matthew how are you going?'... AWKWARD!!! I made pleasantries and then started to 'Faux browse'.. Then I started to panic and think about how I am wasting his time and heating and they don't make much money, and are such a great store and get things in when you ask.... so now I thinking of how to get out of this, without having to borrow a film... and my plans are becoming more and more elaborate... I could feign a panic attack and leave in a cloud of sympathy, I could pretend to take a call on my mobile and go further and pretend there is a crises/emergency and run out of the shop yelling 'JUST WAIT! Just WAIT!, I'll be there, HOLD ON!!!'...then I hit JACKPOT! and start to look for films that I know they should have and checking to see if they are out... Finally I find one and go up to the counter and ask if it is in.. the owner taps away at the computer.. 'oh, sorry matthew that film is out and not due back for a few more days'... I, being a NIDA graduate (not really), channel 'loss, disappointment and frustration'... 'Oh NO!!!! I was so looking forward to that film!!! I give out a couple of loud 'TSKS'.. I look about annoyed 'There was nothing else I wanted...' I put on my sad face, my body lurches with dejection and then for some reason, not even known to me, I say "I've gotta go, I've gotta go!" quickly and repeatedly like a crazy person, glare at the owner in anger and then I rush back out into the cold.
I guess I'd rather be cold and guilt free, than warm and full of guilt that would have made me break down and cry like a baby!!!. When my mate finally arrived at the cinema, I told him about what had happened. He just looked at me dumbfounded and explained that there was another alternative, which was to be upfront about why I was there.. Who would have thought???
Rules? yeah mylife is full of them.. I am
constantly creating new rules, redefining old ones and stealing other people’s
rules...Does this make dealing with me a nightmare? Probably.
Recently I have been back out there! Yep, you know it - dating!!! I am back in
the game.. and man, do I and my rules not fit into this new and crazy modern
world of dating! Every guy I date has broken a multitude of my rules... Because
it's hard to follow the rules if you don't know what they are, I am thinking
that maybe I need to print up a little hand book for prospective dates to be able to study
and then apply when meeting?
Here are some things from my recent experiences that would definitely be in
that little golden book of information:
- First dates are about getting to know each other, but having said that, I
probably don't need to HEAR (and in detail), all ABOUT your EX'S and the PROBLEMS you had with them.
- Dates are where we 'get to know each other' through conversation. This means
that you need to take some time out from talking about YOU and actually ask me
some questions about me....and LISTEN.
- If you have a mental health issue that isn't glaringly obvious, SERIOUSLY THINK about whether I need to know about that on date #1
- Date #1 is our opportunity to highlight how amazing we both are, and to convince
the other person that we are worth seeing again. So, I would strongly suggest
you refrain from telling me that; you are a SLOB/your house is a mess, that you
do not cook, that you are LAZY, that you take a shit load of recreational DRUGS
(possibly even selling them to support your own usage), you are onGrindr and love 'SEX on site' venues.
- If for what ever reason you can't dress appropriately for date #1, make sure
you make an extra effort in date #2.. and just for the record, TRACK SUIT PANTS ARE NOT AN EFFORT!
- If a date ends with a handshake, the next one can't start with a kiss
on the lips. You have to read the situation and respond accordingly!
- Try to avoid racist comments...I had one Australian guy tell me that 'wogs
are hot!'.. I guess he thought that would turn me on..... in a word- no!
- While out on the date, or even whilst spending any time with me, if you
happen to see other men you find attractive, DON"T OGLE them and comment on how HOT you think they are. It is even WORSE if they are obviously MORE HANDSOME
than me, LESS FAT than me, dress better or just seem better than me in any and
every way!.. And no, I don't have a fragile sense of self, or low self esteem!
well... nothing that I will discuss until at least after date #4, 5 or 6.
-The mind is sexy, so use it to be cheeky and a little suggestive. BLATANT
comments about your SEXUAL needs and desires,…. whilst may be great for making sure that your 'SHAG'
will match your immediate 'needs', are not really so appropriate for a nice
first date.
- We've all had it tough at some point in our lives, so don't bother with
EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE comments, aimed at getting me to fulfill your needs. I
have a mother (in other words a Supreme Master of Emotional Blackmail),
and if I can beat the Supreme Master and remain guilt free, you'll only come
away with my scorn emblazoned on your retina.
Oh, and lastly, if your date cooks for you, NO MATTER how bad the food is, find
something honest and complimentary to say about it…….and if they offer to cook
again for you, NEVER EVER say anything remotely like 'Yeah this time you might
get it right!'
If you have any 'rules' which you think I should add to my ever growing list... please let me know by adding them in as a comment!!!
I hate the whole 'pass on my regards'... unless the parties know each other and all are open to receiving each others regards. It can be an unwelcome imposition...because once you receive the regards, you then have to return the regards and people can be offended if their regards are not returned or returned appropriately. That in itself is a whole other blog piece! My parents are always telling me to pass on their regards to people they don't know... I am like 'Why?.. you don't know them.. they don't know you.. what is the point?'. I flatly refuse to do this.. where does this sort of behavior lead to? Will my parents feel some sort of connection and invite themselves along to events?... or ask to say hello to these people on the phone and have long conversations? Crazy stuff!
Recently I mentioned to a friend that I was off to a very sad event and upon hearing where it was to be held, my mate lit up. "Oh say hello to 'X', he will be there. He is lovely, I knew him well, years back. He had a nickname.. it was ' Mama'!..make sure you use his nickname when you say hello!!!". I couldn't help but think this was just a little odd and you all already know my feelings on passing on regards. Apparently my mate and the rest of 'Mama's' friends all thought he looked 'like a big fat Italian mama'!, hence the nickname. Kudos to them for being brave in the face of political correctness! I planned not to pass on any regards and let the whole topic of conversation, slide off into a deep dark hole, except that my mate kept going on about it, "Oh yeah, Mama was such a great guy, seriously make sure you say hello and pass on my regards, and make sure you call him MAMA, MAMA, MAMA!!!!"' So I get to this event...and like most people, I am sure would have done, I could have lied to my mate and told him- 'Oh yeah, I passed on your regards and he said the same back' and then quickly changed the topic of conversation... but no, not me....and do you know why not me?, because I am my own worst enemy! So.. all through this serious and sad event, I am waiting for the right moment to go up and pass on the regards.... finally I spy my chance...I approach Mama and introduce myself...and in case you are wondering, no, at no time did I refer to him as 'Mama'.
Mama is thrilled that my mate recalled him, "Oh, that's great, I have been wondering what happened to him, how is he going, what is he up to , how do you know him.." Yes.. I was suddenly being cross examined. All the while my mind is racing.. can I share that bit of info with Mama? Does Mama know that my mate is gay and has a same sex partner... ekk!!! WTF can I share??!!!!!!! I am in a right pickle and feeling that suddenly this is getting really tricky. I am cursing my mate for putting me in this awkward position....I mean, look.. Mama looks gay and my gaydar says he is .. but is he? and even so, does my mate want him to know? I am feeling that this is becoming way too hard and just as I am thinking of my exit plan, Mama asks me for my mates phone number.. I freeze.. and then say idiotically 'err, ummm yeah.. look he is in the process of moving.. and changing numbers..so why don't you give me your number and when he gets a new landline and calls me, I'll pass on your number for him to call you'.. OMG I am brilliant!!!.... until I remember that just about everyone has a mobile phone... and the whole thing sounds made up... I think Mama thought the same thing at the exact same time I did and his face drops as a painfully awkward silence follows. After what seems an eternity, Mama replies, ''Umm yeah.. ok.. I'll grab you later and pass on my number,' I have to say that I was puzzled, what?, mama couldn't give me his number right now? Is this an excuse? I start to feel annoyed and a little angry and as Mama leaves I am suddenly filled with fear that maybe Mama thought that I wanted his number for myself? Maybe, Mama thought that I liked him?? yikes!!!! Oh man.. I hate this whole 'pass on my regards' thing!!!!
So there I am cursing my mate for creating this insane situation ... grumble, grumble... when I begin to wonder if maybe I was overcautious with not giving out my mate's number.. You know, he was really keen on me passing on his regards and he did talk a lot about how lovely Mama was and how much he liked Mama, etc... So I call my mate on my mobile (because as you know, just about everyone has one).
Me- "Hi, I am at that event I told you about and met your mate"
My Mate- "What event?, what mate?"
Me- "Umm you know.. that sad event at X.. and your mate X"
My Mate- "Sorry Matthew, I am confused, and not sure what you are talking about"
Me, Screaming shrilly and about smash my phone against the nearest persons head- "MAMA!!!!!!! MAMA!!!!!!"
My Mate, oblivious to my tone and my screaming- "Oh yeah!!, Mama!! hey, how is he, did you pass on my regards, he is such a nice guy"
Me- "Yeah I did and he asked me for your number.. I don't like giving out peoples number's without their 'ok', first...so..I asked him for his number and said I'd pass it on"
My Mate- "Phew!!! Good one, yeah, God no.. don't give him my number!!!, Not sure if I want to talk to him, anyway, gotta go, chat later.. thanks for passing on my regards!"
At this, I am just numb.. Ummm, what just happened? Even now, weeks later I still don't understand. All I know for sure is, there is a reason I dislike the whole 'pass on my regards'!
They say a friend in need, is a friend in deed. Recently, I was in a pickle and needed to email some example 'headshots' to someone. I only had a couple of days, and was really busy with other work... one frantic email and many kind friends lined up to be models! Bless them for saving my neck. Here are a variety of shots that friends have kindly 'modeled' for me.
The Bad: Being single for too long.
I think I may have been single for too long....here is why:
Recently
I was wined, dined and had the most magnificent evening .. ever!
Actually, I think I may have met 'The One'! Sick of waiting to be asked
out, I decided to take myself out. In fact, I made a night of it.
Pre-dinner drinks, nice meal at a posh place and even more drinks. I was
witty. I was a real gentleman. I opened doors for myself, whenever I needed to sit, I pulled my
chair out for myself and pushed it in afterwards... I sparkled, I
shone, I made myself feel like a million dollars! Genuine compliment's
were generously handed out and I, oh how I made myself laugh! I am such a
funny and warm guy! What fun the royal 'we' had that night! Did I
mention charm? Gosh, I have never met anyone so charming!
After
such a marvelous time, I had to invite myself back for a night cap. On
the way home in the back of the taxi, as we tenderly held hands, I
caught myself excitedly wondering if I might be 'the one'. I am
everything I would want in a man! When we arrived at my place, some
serious aromatherapy happened, as did a lot of candles and muzak. Oh yes, the mood was set for my man and I. Let me tell you my friends, that I was not disappointed. It was
everything I thought it would be and more! I was gentle, I was
passionate, I was full of surprises and I loved me like no other. In the
morning, I was still there! I didn't sneak out on myself during the
small hours of the morning, leaving a note that made me feel cheap and
dirty... No, I stayed and even made myself breakfast. Fingers crossed, because I
think this might be it!
The Ugly: Imitation as a form of flattery?
It’s
not easy being me. I try and do my thing and suddenly
everyone else is doing it. You just have
to see me to know that I am a style maker. Forty, short, bald and
tubby… oh.. and the
glasses. Even that is being
imitated!! Every time I walk down the
street, I am faced with copies of me… albeit lesser copies. Over Easter I
visited my brother and discovered he’d stolen my latest style invention
‘the
beard’. I had just made a change from my old ‘thing’ -the constant three
day
growth.. which he (yes, my brother again) recently copied. WTF? And if
you know
what ‘WTF’ means.. then you know that yet another of my ‘things’ has been
stolen….
It’s a hard life.. a friend of mine is the worst.. lets just call her
Paula (because
that is the thief’s name), she steals everything I write! Just for the
record, the use and overuse of
exclamation marks is mine!!!!! As is
starting an email with ‘hey’. Misspelling and poor grammar- yep, who’s
ya daddy?
I, matthew laurence schiavello, invented those little beauties. I
could go on about it, but I tired of ‘going
on about things’ ages ago and gladly let the imitators keep that one..
even though
they still don’t get the subtle nuances of it. Anyway, Is it a form of
flattery when people steal your thing? If I was rich and cashed up to
the eye balls, I'd smile and see it as flattery, but whilst I am
scrounging through rubbish bins for my dinner (yet another of my little
beauties.. I am calling this one 'poverty').. I'm kind of feeling like
it is
stealing.
