Recently I have been back out there! Yep, you know it - dating!!! I am back in the game.. and man, do I and my rules not fit into this new and crazy modern world of dating! Every guy I date has broken a multitude of my rules... Because it's hard to follow the rules if you don't know what they are, I am thinking that maybe I need to print up a little hand book for prospective dates to be able to study and then apply when meeting?
Here are some things from my recent experiences that would definitely be in that little golden book of information:
- First dates are about getting to know each other, but having said that, I probably don't need to HEAR (and in detail), all ABOUT your EX'S and the PROBLEMS you had with them.
- Dates are where we 'get to know each other' through conversation. This means that you need to take some time out from talking about YOU and actually ask me some questions about me....and LISTEN.
- If you have a mental health issue that isn't glaringly obvious, SERIOUSLY THINK about whether I need to know about that on date #1
- Date #1 is our opportunity to highlight how amazing we both are, and to convince the other person that we are worth seeing again. So, I would strongly suggest you refrain from telling me that; you are a SLOB/your house is a mess, that you do not cook, that you are LAZY, that you take a shit load of recreational DRUGS (possibly even selling them to support your own usage), you are on Grindr and love 'SEX on site' venues.
- If for what ever reason you can't dress appropriately for date #1, make sure you make an extra effort in date #2.. and just for the record, TRACK SUIT PANTS ARE NOT AN EFFORT!
- If a date ends with a handshake, the next one can't start with a kiss on the lips. You have to read the situation and respond accordingly!
- Try to avoid racist comments...I had one Australian guy tell me that 'wogs are hot!'.. I guess he thought that would turn me on..... in a word- no!
- While out on the date, or even whilst spending any time with me, if you happen to see other men you find attractive, DON"T OGLE them and comment on how HOT you think they are. It is even WORSE if they are obviously MORE HANDSOME than me, LESS FAT than me, dress better or just seem better than me in any and every way!.. And no, I don't have a fragile sense of self, or low self esteem! well... nothing that I will discuss until at least after date #4, 5 or 6.
-The mind is sexy, so use it to be cheeky and a little suggestive. BLATANT comments about your SEXUAL needs and desires,…. whilst may be great for making sure that your 'SHAG' will match your immediate 'needs', are not really so appropriate for a nice first date.
- We've all had it tough at some point in our lives, so don't bother with EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE comments, aimed at getting me to fulfill your needs. I have a mother (in other words a Supreme Master of Emotional Blackmail), and if I can beat the Supreme Master and remain guilt free, you'll only come away with my scorn emblazoned on your retina.
Oh, and lastly, if your date cooks for you, NO MATTER how bad the food is, find something honest and complimentary to say about it…….and if they offer to cook again for you, NEVER EVER say anything remotely like 'Yeah this time you might get it right!'
If you have any 'rules' which you think I should add to my ever growing list... please let me know by adding them in as a comment!!!
Matthew, This is the best one you've posted, in ages.
ReplyDelete(Now, I'm afraid you'll start a new set of rules on 'comments' that advises not to spoil a compliment with a qualifying end note).
I don't need to... you just did!
DeleteThank you for reading and commenting :-)
oh you poor thing. that sounds horrible. i'm out of the dating scene now, thank God, but it's important to be fussy. don't think of them as rules just standards. standards are good.
ReplyDeleteHi Yevisha, I never thought of it like that! You are totally right. I have standards, goddamn it! and I will start by not wasting anymore precious time arguing with 'dates' that just because Tracksuit pants, have the word 'pants' in their name, it doesn't qualify them as acceptable dress wear for dates!
DeleteSounds like a very interesting date!!! Some strange people out there! Funny blog!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Maple Girl...Unfortunately the above tales of woe stem from multiple men, not just one.
DeleteWhen am I going to read more on your great blog???
Unsure what a "shog" is.
ReplyDeleteI am also unsure as to what a "shog" is. Perhaps you meant to write 'SHAG'?
DeleteShag, is British slang (we are a colony down here!), which means: to engage in sexual intercourse. So, crudely put, your 'shag' is the person you are sleeping with. If you needed to clarify your relationship with someone in a conversation, you could say- "we aren't going out together, we're just shagging". Quite charming!
Matthew, Matthew, Matthew! I want to be single for a day so I can date you - what a challenge! ;-)
ReplyDeleteWell.. I haven't even gone through the pre-date screening yet, only 1.2% of applicants, are accepted to join me on a date... so, if you were single for day, keep that percentage in mind
DeleteYou know, I still can't understand why i am single!!!
Don't mention the Second Person of the Trinity (or the Other Two) any more than once during a first date.
ReplyDeleteWhy didn't you tell me this sooner??!!!
Deleteit's a good job you're such a nice man, Matt - this blog made me laugh out VERY loud (good job I'm home alone!) cos having made the 1.2% cut and then to fail your standards SO SO miserably, I'm amazed that I get the pleasure of your company again (and again!) ...
ReplyDeleteThis is very 'Deconstructing Harry'-esque!!!
DeleteYou know I'm only seeing you again, to get more material... Idea's wise, I'm a little bit barren.