. You pointed out the light as we went on a walk that afternoon. Which is why I name this 'after' you. You stopped at every place I asked you to and never looked bored, nor were impatient. It was the last day of the year. We were invited to a party, but I said that I preferred to just be with you. You smiled in agreeance as we headed back to your place and ordered in. We drank to celebrate life and us. I tried to keep up with you, and ended up on the bathroom floor at 3am. I should have known better. It was a good reminder to be myself when I am with you. It was a good reminder that I don't need to impress you, as you accept and love me just as I am, as I do you. . We woke up together on New Days day. I felt the luckiest person in the world. Not because I didn't have a hangover, But because you had your arms around me. We lay in bed for ages just being with each other.
I was going to write a (hopefully) humorously scathing piece on bad bosses.
I have had more than my fair share of them, especially those bosses that 'talk the talk' but don't actually follow through and do anything. You know the ones, they don't communicate honestly or well. Here is a recent example:
Boss : "Tell me what I can do, to help you do your job to the best of your abilities"
Me: "Well, as I am on the road 4 days a week doing one-off visits to people living all over the city and it's outlying suburbs.. I really need a GPS"
Boss: "Sure, ummm can you email these people at head office and see if you can track a spare one down and... let me know how you go."
Me (After contacting several people via phone and email.): "No one has one. It was suggested to put a request through to I.T. They can order one for us and bill our business unit."
Boss: "OK, thanks for doing that. Can you give me some quotes for a GPS from this large chain store?"
Me (months after providing the quotes to my boss): "Hi, just wondering how you are going with those quotes for the GPS I emailed you a while back, I really need one."
Boss: "Sorry, I have been really busy, umm.. can you email them to me again and I'll look at that and get back to you"
Me: "Ok, just to remind you, one was $100 for a year of maps and then you pay to update your maps after that, and the other one was $150 for a lifetime of maps."
Boss: "Yeah thanks, if you could send me another email, that would be great."
Me (again, months later): "I know you are busy, but I really need a GPS and am wondering how you are going with that request?
Boss: "why do you need a GPS? no one else needs one?"
Me: " I am on the road traveling to new locations 4 days a week in various suburbs of Melbourne. I am currently printing off paper maps on Fridays for the week ahead, amidst doing all my other admin work for the visits I have just completed and doing follow up work. Going into google maps and printing off the screens is slow and time consuming, and uses lots of paper. The work i-phone has a tiny screen which I cannot properly see when driving. I have tried using the voice directions on their own, but as I am concentrating on the road and other drivers, I find that I am missing what was said. Which means I often have to pull over to safely look at the screen and see where I should be turning, or to see which turn I just missed."
Boss: "I still don't understand why you need a GPS"
I never got the GPS, but I did leave that job after one too many similar situations (and much worse).
Anyway,
I was thinking about the importance of clear and honest communication. About how it is essential to all areas of our lives, be it work, home, friends, family, partners etc.
I was thinking of when you are in a relationship and the other person does something you are not happy with. There is that struggle: do I say something right now? If so, what is the best way of saying this so that they can hear what is being said and do not feel attacked? Is this more about me? Is this significant or important enough to raise? or... the classic - they saw the way I reacted and this is enough to let them know I was not happy and I am sure this won't happen again!
Where do you draw the line about what is important enough to raise? How do you ensure that what has not been raised, does not sit in a growing and festering pool of what has not been said, to possibly one day overflow and become much bigger than need be? In other words, how do you minimise the risk of a future explosion of bottled issues?
If you and the other person have differing communication styles, how do you find the middle ground?
Take the word 'person' out and replace it with partner, friend, boss, brother/sister etc.
Apparently, relationships don't just happen, they involve work!
I was recently listening to Billy Bragg on ABC's 'In conversation' and he talked about being with his partner for 22 years. He said that the really big challenge in relationships is to maintain them. His song 'Chasing Rainbows" off his 2013 LP "Tooth and Nail", is himself at 55 years of age, exploring questions such as: trying to keep up with your partners expectations, and also how to try and manage these expectations.
Billy is a great lyricist and this track has some great lines, such as:
"I know you think if I just tried
We would never fight at all
But I know there will still be days into which some rain must fall
So I'll do my best to meet the test
But darling don't forget
If you go chasing rainbows
Then you're bound to end up getting wet."
Billy Bragg - "Chasing Rainbows"
I would add that we should also be asking ourselves 'how do we also manage our own expectations of our partner/boss/friend/family member and our own expectations on how our relationships SHOULD be?' Yes, 'should' and according to whom?
I recently found myself with one of those classic thoughts, that we all have at some point. A thought that I am glad I caught early on, before it had a chance to become something more than a small thought: "Why should I keep putting in the effort when the other person doesn't. 'They' need to step up and put in as much effort as I do!". Yep, and you know what happens once you stop making an effort.
It is 'ok' and completely normal to feel tired or exhausted from time to time. I know that. If you did decide to stop making an effort, that is completely fine as well, as long as you are really honest and clear with yourself about why you stopped and what the implications for the relationship are due to this. Be really honest, did you stop because you are game playing? Is it tit for tat? Or do you simply not care anymore? Is not making an effort, in line with how you want to be in a relationship? Whether it is your boss, friend or partner? By acting in this way, are you living in integrity?
I guess that is one of the key questions. How do you remain in integrity in your communications and in your relationships. Be it boss, partner, friend, brother, sister, whomever.
Being in a relationship, being one imperfect human with another, means that there will be difficult times. There will be times ahead where you may feel that communication could be better and that one or both of you are not living up to 'expectations'. The trick is how you manage these times. How you uncover what the issues are, what the expectations are and how you work through them together. Just like any team effort, sometimes that means that one person puts in a little more, in order for the team to reach the goal. Sometimes only one of the team members have the necessary skills needed to successfully deal with that particular issue. Sometimes it is the other way round. The important thing is honest, clear and respectful communication.
Anyway... Now to work out what it means to manage 'those times'.
I should finish on something light. Perhaps a joke?
Photograph from my instagram site- matthew_schiavello and taken by me.
Words and photographs copyright matthew schiavello
The title 'the birds will sing from us', inspired and taken from the Ed Harcourt track of the same title.
There is nothing like love and loss to stir one to write again. Here are a handful of some recent writings, presented in chronological order. In case you are wondering, no, he never saw or knew of these.
----
You worry about the cold Melbourne winters,
worry not.
I will warm you
I will weave for you
whatever you need
out of my overflowing love
that has waited for so long.
----
I'd sing you a song,
or write you a poem,
of my love
and my hope of a life together.
But I fear
you would not listen
nor enjoy it for what it was.
Instead you would
compare
it to what you had,
or to the fantasy
of what might be.
----
If I could open my heart
and show it's trueness to you
Give you my eyes,
So that you know I see
your faults
and that I love you
regardless....
would that then be enough?
----
I am writing about you
because
I am
not over you,
yet.
But soon hope to be,
as do similarly hope
my friends and family
for they don't believe
you worth my time
or
theirs.
----
The problem with absence,
is that it makes
the heart grow fonder.
The problem with time, is that
memories fade and
hurt heals.
The problem with the present, is
your boyish charm
and warm smile,
remind me
how attracted I am
and how much I cared.
----
Now that I am free,
now that I am happy
(or at least telling myself I am),
I don't wish you ill,
just insight
and that one day
you may feel motivated
and strong enough
to change.
Not for me,
but for you
and for him, whoever he may be.
I am attracted to maturity. More specifically, emotional maturity. In my folly I have connected this with maturity of years, which is not always the case. I cannot count the number of men I have met or dated who where older than me in age, yet behaved like a person who was much, much younger. This has led to many an interesting experience. Because these men have been older, it has meant that some of them came from a time where they have felt it was not possible to be openly gay. Some took a path of heterosexual marriage, some have been single for as long as they could recall, some have embraced a recently new found life of very gay abandon, others had never dated or known the touch of a lover....and then there was me.
Maybe I am distracted by my past failings with the fathers in my early life, maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe I am over-thinking things and maybe, just maybe this is simply about wanting emotional maturity in a partner. Even saying that, my experiences show that I have been looking in the wrong places for it, as well as in the wrong people. In my actively seeking, searching and expecting, I have found only disappointment. How could it be otherwise? None can raise themselves up to the bar my expectations have set, how can they? Why should they? Besides, everyone I meet thinks that they are mature, yes, everyone... even me.
'You're twenty years younger than me', he said with a big grin and an ego the size of something way too big for it's own good. I realised then that this wasn't his humility expressing gratitude that he was loved for who he was, regardless of age, no, this was him stating I was a trophy of sorts for his ego to proudly show off. The younger lover. It dawned on me that I had become an unwitting victim to my own misguided desire. Even though I had realised a long time ago that maturity of age does not equal emotional maturity, here I still was, left feeling cheap, used and that I only had myself to blame...and then there was me. Yes, me, here, now and wondering what the next step is and over-thinking it as usual.
There I was, I had just sold my car to a very straight, young middle eastern mechanic who worked for my mechanic, who I had been going to for years and years. I had given the young man the keys and said kindly (because I am a very generous man!), "Keep the Melways, it is current, I have no need of it"..... and then a day later I realised with embarrassment what I had left him with, was actually my little 'black' Melways!
***At this very early juncture, I should point out that 'Melways' is the brand of a Melbourne (where I
live) street directory. The 'Mel' in Melways being for Melbourne. I did
not realise this till a couple of years ago when I was interstate and
asked someone if there was a Melways about so that we could work out how to
get 'unlost. They they looked at me like I was an idiot .. "Umm this is
Brisbane...Melways are for Melbourne!, here it is called Brisways!" they snorted.
"Oh!", was my confused and embarrassed reply. Who knew?
Now, back to the main point of all of this!....Being a single modern man, I have been 'out there'. I don't mean in the garden doing some much needed weeding, but out there, on the dating scene. Dating is word that for me has wholesome connotations and I guess the modern scene is often anything but...but what is my point? A post lamenting the loss of more innocent times? No, something a little more sordid. Today's dating scene is more like a .. well, you meet online, you exchange 'vitals' and interests and then before you have finished saying hello and starting the small talk about the weather and contemporary art, 'Bob's your uncle!' ( a euphemism for: making hay while the sun shines (can you use a euphemism to explain the meaning of another euphemism?)).
So, being an 'out there' modern dating man, I have had my fair share of 'dates' and because I can be forgetful.. I would dot point important details of said dates .. name, address, phone number, 'vitals', 'interests' and important information like - 'nice guy but boring', 'bad breath' etc.... now, because I am practical.. I go that little bit further with all of this and just in case I want to go back on another 'date'.. I placed these little bits of paper, on the actual page of the Melways (road directory) where they lived. This obviously makes it easier for me if I wanted to visit them again. With me being 'that way inclined'.. this also means these little bits of paper obviously had other men's details on them.
Anyway ..So here I am, having sold my car and given away my little black Melways with all of it's dirty little secrets, names, addresses, numbers etc, to a young and very straight mechanic, who worked for my mechanic etc.......which all means that obviously I can never go back to that most brilliant of brilliant mechanics.... but at the same time I cannot leave these other peoples personal details 'out there' in the greater world where they may be used to hurt them in some way... can I?
Maybe?
What a dilemma!.. what to do?
I mean, another option would be to have the young man sacked so that I can go back to my mechanics if I need to and then won't have to shamefully face him.
Before anyone gets all up in arms, of course I know what I 'must' do...which is the 'right thing' of course! Being of southern Italian blood, the 'right thing' would mean to have him 'removed' permanently. But, being a kind hearted man, I ignore the voice of Calabrese reason and
after much deep breathing and many slugs of hard liquor, I venture back to the mechanics (where I knew the car was waiting on some much needed repair work) and asked my car's new young owner if I could grab an important document I think I left in the Melways.. He was polite enough and pointed out where the car was. Acting as calm as a cucumber I quickly nabbed all the dirty little bits of proof of the wicked life I had led ( a statement which incorrectly infers that I am now a model catholic!) and believe it or not.. In a panic I actually contemplated eating the 'evidence' in case he came over and caught me red-handed with it.. but then thought about how I had no fluid/drink to wash the paper down with and my mouth would surely get all dry.. because it was probably like eating dry biscuits.. right?..and your mouth gets so dry that you can't actually swallow! So I took it all home and shredded it instead. I sighed a huge sigh of relief because not only was I amazingly clever and saved the day for millions of unsuspecting gay, bisexual and 'curious' Melbourne men, but now, no one would ever know about my shameful little black Melways.
I am certain that there is a lesson there in all of this... but I'll be buggered if I can find it ;-)
We are all a little bit crazy. Some of us are more crazy than others, some of us are more openly or publicly crazy than others, some of us are crazy behind closed doors and some of us are so scared of being thought to be crazy that we hide who we are and present as cold, frozen and aloof.
OK, maybe some people are far from crazy, maybe they are well balanced and sane.Well, Bully for them! (for those reading this who are under 70, 'good for them!').
For the rest of us, I wonder sometimes if we get so caught up worrying or thinking about how crazy we can be seen to be, that these very thoughts get in the way of everything else. I have come to the personal conclusion to stop worrying because everyone else is as crazy as me and if they aren't, then maybe they are hiding it, ashamed of it, waiting for the right moment to give me a lovely surprise with a sudden display of it, or maybe they aren't blessed with a touch of craziness and are just plain BORING. Crazy is as crazy does and if you can't be a little hysterical, unpredictable and able to think outside that bloody square, then how humdrum and predictable a life we would live?
Craziness needs to be loved, to be nurtured, to be encouraged, to be celebrated and to be held up high for all to aspire to. Yes, for it is a beacon of light in the grey of the mundane and monotonous! If it wasn't for a little craziness, how would the great achievements in human history have occurred? You just need to look at a photo of good old Albert Einstein and his wacky hair to know that he is a little bit crazy. Van Gogh's beautiful artwork is another case in point, who would have thought to try such a different way of painting? Only a crazy person!
Don't get confused, I am not suggesting we all go on holiday to a sanitarium, wear straight jackets or start taking anti-psychotic medication. I am not talking about mental health issue type crazy here, but the kind of craziness that allows you to function in the greater world, whilst still allowing you to be and do as you want or feel, to be a little left of centre and importantly, be true to your magnificent crazy self! Don't get me wrong, I am not for a second implying that non-crazy people aren't being true to themselves, they are, it is just.. that they are so.... well, you know... predictable and... dare I use the 'b' word?
Sure, for us crazy people, it's not all sunshine, rainbows and lollypops (with apologies to Lesley Gore), for some, being a little crazy means over-reacting to things, exaggerating everything and sometimes flailing your arms about as you do it. Sometimes this isn't conducive to ongoing and long lasting relationships... sometimes our crazy behaviour can get in the way of what we want in life. The glass half full people amongst us, see these moments as opportunities to moderate and adapt our craziness to help us achieve what we want in life. In other words, change for the better. Yep, talk about seeing the silver lining! The 'glass half full' crazy people talk about owning your crazy, rather than letting it own and control you.. Deep stuff!
So, my dear fellow crazy and beautiful people, be your crazy yourselves and do it with head held high. Life is never perfect, so the next time you are a little crazier than you might like to be, don't be too hard on yourself, be a glass half full type and see it as an opportunity to learn from. An opportunity to try and do things differently next time and to own your crazy rather than letting it own you. Most importantly, what ever you do dear crazy person, never hide your crazy, never deny it and most of all, never ever get rid of all of your craziness, because without it, you are not you. And you are beautiful just as you are.
I thought we would take a short break from the holiday blog posts this week, just for this week. I was going to post a piece of writing titled 'The happiest days of my life'. A piece that is filled with darkness and light and then the news came on about Lou Reed's death. I then wanted to post some of his music as a remembrance of him, partly because I love so many of his songs and partly because I was shocked that many people did not know who he was. Much like the man himself, Lou Reed's music is filled with darkness and light... As I thought about this, the realisation came that it might be fitting to have both prose and ode to Lou in the one post.
Part 1:
'The happiest days of my life'
I want to say that the time
I was with you,
was the happiest time
of my life.
I want to say that the happiest days of my life
were the days we spent together,
not the days we fought
or hated each other
venomously.
Nor the days
we planned and schemed
our next victory against the other,
but the days
in between.
Those precious
few days in between.
Even then,
happiness
is too strong a word
to describe the calm relief,
the respite from
our constant war.
I can say,
that there were moments with you,
which were the happiest moments
of my life.
And in all honesty,
they were.
For all the shit,
all the hurt
and the spite,
we still had these moments
that were so beautiful
they kept us together
for (much, much) longer
than we should have been.
copyright matthew schiavello 2013
Part 2:
Lou Reed.
Lou Reed died this week, on October 27th, aged 71. He was a prickly character who wrote songs (sometimes about characters), that influenced many, myself included. If being part of the Velvet Underground wasn't enough, Lou Reed had a long solo career and also collaborated with other artists. His catalogue included tracks like; Walk on the wild side, Waiting for the man, Sweet Jane, Rock and Roll, Heroin, Venus in Furs, Perfect Day, Vicious, Dirty Blvd, Romeo had Juliet.. to name but a few.
For those of us who know and love him and for those who don't know his music, here is a small selection of Lou Reed's work. May he rest in piece:
From the 1972 Lp- 'Transformer' here is the wonderful track 'Walk on the wild side'. With so many great lines, rather than pick one to type up, I'd ask instead that you just listen repeatedly. Brilliant story telling and a kick arse bass line (As a Tribe called quest once asked, 'can we kick it? yes we can!'):
Another track off the 1972 Lp- 'Transformer', is the beautiful 'Perfect day'. Heartbreaking lines like 'Such perfect day, you made me forget myself, I thought I was someone else, someone good.':
From 1988's 'New York' is this great tune 'Dirty Boulevard', with lyrics that force you to question critically:
'This room cost 2,000 dollars a month
you can believe it man it's true
somewhere a landlord's laughing till he wets his pants
No one here dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything
they dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard
Give me your hungry, your tired your poor I'll piss on 'em
that's what the Statue of Bigotry says
Your poor huddled masses, let's club 'em to death
and get it over with and just dump 'em on the boulevard.'':
From the Velvet Underground days, here are a couple of tunes.
Off 1967's 'The Velvet Underground and Nico' comes 'Waiting for the man. A song all about trying to score drugs':
From 1970's lp 'Loaded', here is the track 'Sweet Jane'. A song covered by many, for obvious reasons...How can you not sing along to lines like '... anyone who has a heart, wouldn't want to turn around and break it.....':
If you liked any of these tracks and had no idea who Lou Reed was.. go out and explore his musical legacy. If you loved the Velvet Underground tracks, go out buy the early records and put them on repeat, maybe you might be inspired to go out and start a rock and roll band like so many others!
In June this year my sister Leanne recently married Frank. She is the youngest of my four sisters and the last to be married. At the wedding my aunty asked me when will I get married and I replied when the law here allows it. I have posted some of these images on facebook, but thought I'd share them here.
Leanne and Frank- Bride and Groom
My nephew and one of his very mischievous looks:
My beautiful stepmother-the mother of the bride, looks on:
Now that the church bit is done, my brother and brother in-laws' head off for a quick drink before the official reception. Choosing a cocktail is a very serious affair!:
My niece looks up at mum and aunty:
My brother did a good job as M.C. and is below captured in a very Las Vegas moment:
My dad gives a speech as my brother looks on in the wings- 'Stand back junior and watch how it is done!':
Father and daughter dance:
One of my sisters tried taking a few shots of me, on my own and with others, this one was in focus. Another of my infamous non-smiling photos:
All photographs copyright matthew schiavello 2013.
There seems to be so much confusion on when a date is an actual 'date'. Maybe confusion is not the right word, maybe it is hesitation and maybe it is pride that have seen the 'D' word move into a similar realm to the 'L' word. When I refer to the 'D' word, I of course mean 'D' for date. Insanely, just like the L word, we seem to fear using it. Heaven forbid we say it out loud and it isn't returned!
Many a conversation has been had with my friends over the definition of a date. I defined it as being a meeting between two or more people (I am trying to be open minded here!), that like each other, are attracted to each other in some way and want to see if something more intimate than a friendship will come of things. Obviously a blind date is a little different as there is no attraction to draw the parties together to begin with, but the aim is similarly to see if something more intimate than a friendship will occur.
A date (as stated in a previous blog post) is where we 'get to know each other' through conversation.
It is an opportunity to highlight how amazing each person is, and to
convince
the other person that we are worth seeing again. It is also our
opportunity to decide if we want to spend more time with the other
person.
How does a date differ from a catch up?
I am glad you asked! A catch up is what I do with friends. It is a continuation of sorts, a continuation of meeting, of conversation and of friendship. Do I even need to point out that there are no romantic or sexual feelings between myself and my friends? Let me be clear. My life is not a Hollywood movie, in which everyone knows my best friend and I are meant for each other and it is only after some significant event that we realise that we loved each other all along and then are together for the rest of our lives.... Chances are no one elses life is like this.. well the majority of us.. and the reason is.. our lives are real and not some Hollywood film plot written with the aim to bring momentarily happiness into the lives of the unhappily single, or unhappily partnered.
One person I dated famously argued that we had not gone on any dates, but had just 'caught up' a few times. His definition of a date was that if both parties meet and AFTER meeting decided that theywere interested in meeting again to see what happens,then it was called a 'date'. Crazy stuff yeah? I pointed out that this doesn't work with a 'blind date' i.e. it is only a blind date if after meeting both parties decide that theywere interested in meeting again to see what happens... My ex-date begrudgingly saw my point and conceded defeat! And yes, now says that we went on a couple of dates.
What is so wrong with using the 'D' word? Are our own egos so fragile that we will only use it if the other person likes us enough to want to see us again? Is the 'D' word fast becoming the new 'L' word, and possibly soon to over take it? Are we now tentatively trying to suss out if the other person will respond in kind before we dare use the 'D' word ourselves? Perhaps the word is getting stuck in our throats as we struggle to say it, as we struggle to commit to something, to the word, to the concept and to the idea of a possible new emotional beginning.
Maybe the D word is fast becoming the new L word, but I am going to do all I can to make my dates more accountable and to get them to overcome their fears and commit!, if only to the concept!
The lawyer had hardly spoken to me over the course of the year.
He
lived in Sticksville. You know the place, the one that you had to go to
yourself that time, which was way out of town, not quite in the country,
but not quite the suburbs, not even the outer fringes. It took you
forever to get there and when you finally did, you found yourself
thinking loudly 'why would anyone live way out here?', and the other
person with you said 'where the fuck are we?'. When you mentioned your
trip to your friends, they asked if you had taken a packed lunch. Well,
that was the place the lawyer lived.
So, suddenly after a brief conversation, which
had come from out of the blue, I was being invited to a BBQ at
8.30pm in a few days’ time. Me, being me, said it was too late for me to
eat…. you know, by the time you get there and the BBQ actually starts,
it is at least 10.30pm before you are sitting down to eat. I suggested
that as it was too late for me to eat, that instead I come over for a
drink and chat. He agreed. Upon my asking what should I bring, he said
'washed rind cheese'. Not only had I no idea what that was (apart from
it being food and cheese), I was feeling a little annoyed. I mean, what
part of 'I am not eating' did he not get, and then I am asked to
bring food?! Was this something from his shopping list he had forgotten
to pick up on his latest trip to the shops? Did he want me to pick up
his dry cleaning as well? The next day he called me saying we wanted to bring the
BBQ forward an hour and promised we would not eat late. As I was already
bringing food stuffs he had forgotten to pick up during his weekly shopping
trip, I agreed to eat. Why not?
I went to the Italian deli near my work,…
as their cheese section is HUGE they would surely know what this
washed rind malarkey is. The thing was, they didn't. Instead they asked
what was it for, who was I seeing and what nationality he was (sticky
beaks I know!), The moment I said he was an Aussie they were racists as
all buggery and said 'Give him some provolone, 'they' love it!'. I
replied that I just use provolone on my everyday sandwiches and the hilariously
racist deli lady said, 'yeah but 'they' don't know that and think it's
gold! GOLD!'. What else could I do? I took the provolone and then headed to the refrigerated section (where milk and dairy is kept) and
saw some soft danish cheeses as well as Camembert and Brie, so I bought
one 'just in case'. Fifteen dollars and a phone call to my brother later and
it turned out that the soft cheeses (yep, those with the washed rind), was what I was meant to buy in the first place.
Maybe I should apply for a job in the Deli? Attitude?-check, sticky
beak?-check! racist- check (aren't we all to some degree?), knowledge of
soft rind cheese- check!
So, there I was driving in 40 degree heat to
the ends of the earth. It was so hot that my car air-con needed it's own air-con. I think I stopped to fill up with petrol twice on the way there..
yeah ok I am exaggerating just a tad, but if my tank like car did not
have such a HUGE petrol tank, I am certain I would have had to have
filled up at least twice!! I did have to stop several times to check my
map, Yes I use a hard copy of the street directory!! I don't trust those
confounded electronic talking maps!!! Once I was with my sister and her
talking GPS had us looping round the block! Give me a compass and map
any day! .. Anyway, finally I had arrived in Sticksville.
The lawyer opened the door and the first thing I realised was that he was shorter than I thought he would be and much older than his internet dating profile stated. Short was ok, in fact he was my height, I was excited as I don't think I have ever dated anyone my own height! I would however normally be annoyed by the lying of ones age, you know the whole foundation built on lies thing.. but as I already knew he was a lawyer...I guess it kind of goes with the territory. Anyway, he invited me in and showed me around his mansion like home. Of course he had a grand piano and, no, he didn’t play.
Apparently it was for atmosphere. When he told me that he had decorated
the interior himself, I wondered if I should have told him not to tell
anyone else that.... At every step in the tour, he told me how much he
had spent on the house, both the ongoing renovations and the interior
decorating.. I couldn't help but say, 'you've really over capitalised
for the area'. He froze for a moment and then mentioned how he didn't
care, as he saw himself dying in the house.. I couldn't help but wonder
when this was going to happen., Was it soon and did he know something I
didn't? After being shown around the mansion for what seemed hours, I
felt like I needed a drink or twenty. My date must have read my mind,
because he suggested we sit down and open a bottle of champagne (which
was followed by several bottles of wine). I don't count other peoples
drinks, but this guy seemed to drink a bottle to my glass. Mind you I
was counting time and making sure the food didn't go on the BBQ too
late... I cannot eat after a certain time you know..it upsets my whole routine!
So there we were,
making small talk, getting to know each other and me being me, I had to
know why it took a year of infrequent chatting to finally decide to
meet...
He: "I've been really busy with work."
Me: " ok...
look don't get me wrong, I am really happy to be here and that you asked
me over, but it kind of came out of the blue and I am a bit surprised
by it".
I should mention at this point that in all the time we have
been chatting, his internet dating profile clearly stated that he was a
SINGLE GAY MALE, but he responded with...
He: "Yes, well
work has eased up a little, and as my housemate has just gone away on
holiday, I thought it would be a good opportunity to invite you over."
Me: 'Your housemate? I didn't realise you had a housemate. How long has
he been here with you?'
He:' Oh.. he and I shared before I bought
this house.'
Me: 'Oh! So is he just a housemate or your partner?'
He:' oh.. well umm.. partner I guess, but we aren't so close anymore.'
Me: 'Hmm.. do you still consider yourself a couple and still share a
bed?' Yes I do go in hard and fast with my questioning.. take no prisoners I say!!!
He:' ah.. yes.. but we don't have sex as often as we did at the
start of the relationship.'
Me: 'You know that your profile says that
you are single.'
He.. feigning innocence:' Does it?'
Me: 'I am
wondering how your partner would react to being referred to as your
housemate?'
Unsurprisingly he didn't respond to that question. I guess
he knew it was rhetorical. So there I was in Sticksville with
this freaking soft rind cheese and provolone (which cost me $15!) and not sure what the heck was going on.
The next several hours became a quasi counselling session as he talked
about everything that was wrong with his life and with his several
failed relationships, as well as what he saw as being problematic with
this current one. Or should I say with his current 'housemate'? I asked
if he had talked about his concerns with his partner/housemate, and he
replied 'No'. I asked how he expected his partner to know what he was
thinking and feeling if he didn't share his thoughts and feelings with
him... He agreed with this point and said I was brilliant. Despite all the
other issues, at least this man was able to recognise my brilliance! He then
asked if I would come back another day and talk to his partner about
their relationship, as I had with him. I said “Sure” and half joked,
but was mostly serious about how much I charge per hour, in cash.... He
went deathly silent and never mentioned my counselling services again.
By the time we finished talking, it was 2.30am. I said I had better
leave and he suggested I stay over in the spare room, though he referred
to it by name.Yes, the spare rooms had names. Each room’s name
reflected its own uniquely decorated theme. Uniquely of course meaning ......... (Dear reader, please fill in the blank with your choice of adjective, I'd suggest something like 'hideous' ). Anyway, I lied and said I couldn't stay over as I didn't bring my
toothbrush. Little did he know that the boot of my car has a suitcase
filled with spare clothes, shoes and bits and bobs just in case my date
and I hit it off and we decide that I should move in there and then!
So
there I was driving home from Sticksville in the early hours of the
morning, scratching at the twenty two itchy-as-hell mosquito bites
covering my arms and legs, which were still bothering me a week later.
Though I had been eaten alive as we talked and ate 'al fresco', I
guess I was still a little confused about his situation, and to be
honest, I was still attracted to him and so, I didn't want to be seen
as a complainer and just sucked up the pain of those bloody mosquito
bites instead of asking to move indoors. More fool me......
To add to it all, we never even opened up and nibbled on these bloody cheeses, not even the soft rind one!!
You and Bill were together for fifty years. Fifty years of love, of trails & tribulations, of smiles and winks across a crowed room and fifty years of being with the man you loved. Fifty years, and you told me that you would do all over again, warts and all. Bill died a few years back and now you have too. I only met Bill when he was sick, when he was blind and in a wheelchair. You were his lover, his partner and at the end his carer. When you finally had to put him into a hospice, you practically lived there as well. You made sure that you still ate your meals together, because that was what you always did.
You were born in 1936 and had met Bill when you were in your early twenties. He was a little older. You braved society's intolerances and dared to love. You found yourselves traveling overseas in a Morris Minor van/kombi van. You were two young men from working class backgrounds travelling europe and sleeping on a mattress in the back of the van. I recently heard that on that trip you and Bill had suits kept under the mattress, to keep them pressed so that you could attend evenings at the opera or theater in style. I wasn't surprised at hearing that, in fact I smiled from ear to ear, it was so you. Many years later upon returning back to Australia, you brought a house together and made it your home. You had so many wonderful stories and whenever you shared any of them with me, you glowed as did I. Your joy was infectious. I hoped that I would one day have as wonderful memories to share.
Stan, you have been such a significant person in my life. You generously gave me honest and sage like advice. You laughed alongside of me, you encouraged me, you showed real interest in my life and where I was heading. You comforted me over my own relationship struggles. You made me realise how we all have to work at things in a relationship, how we have to compromise and that you must never, never forget to have fun. You gave me tips on the what and the how. You told me things like, "when you can, wink or smile at your partner across a crowded room" or "when you can, wherever you are, steal a touch or gently squeeze his hand". You told me that it was important to make the man I loved feel special and important. You shared what you and Bill had done for each other. You told me that it will get tough at times and be hard, but you work at it. You said that if you value the relationship and your partner, that if you really loved them, then you will put the effort in. I guess that's why you and Bill were together for fifty years, with death the only force powerful enough to separate you, at least for now. You always said that before you died, you wanted to see me attached and happy. I loved your support of me and I drank it up. You were a friend, a mentor, a grand fatherly figure, a gentle man and a gentleman. Everything about you was as genuine as it was generous.
As you became sicker, I kept meaning to visit. On one of the few visits I did make, you played me Nilsson's 'Without you'. You sang along and told me that you missed Bill. Tears welled up in both of our eyes.
When I visited you in hospice, you said that before you died, you wanted to thank me for my friendship and for being in your life, Though I had practiced my thanks to you all the way in to the hospice, I lamely replied "and the same to you", I may as well have said 'ditto' or "right back at ya!". I don't know why I was at a loss for words, as I had so much to say in response. You had done so much for me, been a role model for me to aspire to. You still are. When I stood waiting for the tram after leaving the hospice, for some unknown reason I started singing 'Amazing grace' and cried. I turned my back to the traffic to hide my tears. I wanted to go back inside to tell you how important you are to me and that I loved you, but I didn't want to make this all about me. You were dying, you were in pain and you had long known how I felt about you.
I am saddened that you are gone, not just for me, but for all those that will never get to meet you and be blessed by having such an amazing man in their lives. You are from a time of manners, a time of grace, graciousness, humility and family. You manged to carry those values into the present and to share them with us all. You modeled them for us and reminded us of their importance and of the need of them still in todays world. All the while when I was with you, you laughed, you smiled and your blue eyes twinkled. I am comforted in knowing that your pain has ended and more importantly, that you and Bill are reunited.
Stan, thank you for being a kind and generous human being and for being my friend. Men like you are few and far between. In the time you have been with us, you have brought happiness to many. You have lent a kind ear and given many an encouraging word. You have been kind. Because of you, I am a better person. Because of you, I want to become an even better person still. You are in my heart and I'll never forget you.
Love,
matthew laurence schiavello.
"What do you think has become of the young and old men?
And what do you think has become of the women and children?
They are alive and well somewhere,
The smallest sprout shows there is really no death,
And if ever there was it led forward life, and does not wait at the end to arrest it,
And ceas’d the moment life appear’d.
All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses,
And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier."
(Extract from section six of Walt Whitman's 'Song of myself'.)
A while back I sent out an email to men I had dated and asked what they
thought I should stop doing when on a date...Yeah, huge I know.. I am
really opening myself up here, but hey, you only live once, or something
like that....Anyway, a few people responded with 'we haven't actually
been out on a date'... yeah, embarrassing!! We had, but I wasn’t going
to get myself into an email war! Well, at least not another one (too
many good people were taken out by friendly fire in the last
one). Anyway, there is the point that maybe, just maybe, I have dated
fewer people than I think I have, or maybe, just maybe I was such a bad
date that these people have suppressed the memory of me and the event.
Both of these are of course highly unlikely and the true answer is
probably that these crap dates were too lazy to write!
Because I am a
glutton for punishment, I also sent an email to my friends asking them
what they think I should stop doing when on a date. My friends after all
have repeatedly heard all about my disastrous dates. The most common
response from dates and friends alike was "I haven't got enough time to
write it all!!!" Second most common response was (and I am guessing
this to be a highly sarcastic response), "Gee... That would be hard,
you are the perfect date." So far, no surprises, I mean seriously, I am single for a reason, and you
know that haters are gonna hate... apparently. ;-)
I’ll also admit that there is some truth in some of
what was sent to me, such as: 'He fusses over the small things' and the
spot on: ‘You over-analyse things too much’, an obvious pitfall of
dating a counsellor! One friend and fellow counsellor actually told me I
needed to stop counselling dates, when out on a date! But if I stop
doing this, how else do I drum up new business? This friend also
suggested that to better give me some helpful responses, she best
observe me on a date and then write up a report outlining her
recommendations! Yep, counsellors! They're a weird mob! So while
I am big enough to admit that there was some truth in those comments... seriously,
where does 'stop picking your nose at dinner' come from? Anyone that
really knows me, knows I use a handkerchief!! I think people were just
making stuff up because they could, like this next response
demonstrates: ‘Stop dating unicorns off the internet’ WTF???
Speaking
of 'stop dating' and 'internet', there was an overwhelming response from
just about all of my friends, for me to stop meeting men online. They
felt that guys who were online (and using the same sites that I am on),
are of a poor quality and possibly all mentally unwell… which kind of
made me unsure what my friends were saying about me, considering I am
also on said sites! As for improving my chances of meeting someone, my brother in-law suggested that I start going to
the gym (and stop being overweight). Another friend similarly suggested that I desperately needed to improve my looks, but as
that was not possible (poor me!), I needed to get rich as this would apparently
make me 250% more attractive. Is it just me or are my friends shallow?? Other practical suggestions were to relax my dress standards, because
according to one friend “moccasins, trakkie dax, towelling shorts are
all perfectly acceptable attire”..Hmmm I am still not sure how to
respond to that one (and yes, I was just calling others shallow ;-))…
Most disturbing of all though was one dear friend who suggested that I
start “Exploring the other half, and thereby increasing the dating pool
by 100%”. Fortunately none of my dates suggested this, otherwise I would
really be worried!
So there it is, and whatever that 'is', I have no
idea except that maybe I need to just keep doing what I am doing,
because obviously no one else has given me decent suggestions. I'd say
that if it ain't broke don't fix it, but I am not sure how that will
help me find a nice decent, down to earth, smart and funny man to date
and maybe start a family with.....Hmm, if only they could clone me, for
me. That would be a definite win-win! ;-)
Recently I have been 'back out there' and dating. It has been fun, awkward and odd...often all at the same time. I am learning on my feet about the whole dating world and it's rules, of which everyone seems to have their own and no one shares the rules before hand. Well, that was before I came on the scene and created a little book of 'What Not to Do', which I hand out to all prospective dates. Some examples from this book have recently been posted here.
This has also got me thinking about what I should stop doing. As you can imagine, I am a little left of centre and sometimes, possibly, maybe not so fun to be around. Highly doubtable of course, but putting that in makes me look humble. So anyway, some of the things I need to stop doing on dates are:
- going on a second date because of guilt. I shouldn't commit to a second date if I am not attracted to a guy. Just because he seems to be a really nice guy, has been rejected by other men in the past and the fact that I am not TOTALLY REPULSED by him, are not reasons for a second date.
- Kissing a guy because of guilt... Hmm, is there a pattern forming here??
- Ignoring that voice in my head. On a few occasions it has strongly suggested that my trip to the toilet become an escape from the date. I have actually sized up bathroom windows and tried to calculate if I and my every growing 'handles of love', can squeeze through, but guilt (yet again) and a history of crap practical application of maths, has led me back to my date (with my head hung low).
- On the first date or two, pointing out the things to the date that I don't like in them. Actually, I probably don't even need to point these things out ever... I am sure that my look of disgust at his moccaSINs are more than enough. God blessed me with an honest face that gives all of my thoughts and feelings away.
- Which leads on to 'being too honest'. It probably is impolite to say to a date 'actually, I'm a little BORED'. Or if they apologise for doing something they feel is inappropriate, I don't really need to screw up my face, shake my head from left to right and say 'yeah, that wasn't good'.
- Speaking of my head, I probably should stop hanging my head to the side or drooping it on the table and sighing heavily when I am bored or not interested.
- I also need to stop letting dates turn into counselling sessions and free ones at that! Over dinner at a nice restaurant, is not really the time to explore in-depth, the date's part in his fractured and failed past relationships nor current traumatic family events.
- Which leads onto my asking about his maturity regarding his finances. We all make mistakes, but if you earn $1500 a week and can't justify where your money goes, my parental face comes out and I start to talk to him about budgeting, his purchases and his financial 'want's' and 'needs'. I should probably stop that, even though my date should really be thanking me for taking the time to help him. On the plus side, if I did cease my free financial counselling during dates, I wouldn't need to keep carrying around blank budget sheets!
- I know that it is kind of wrong to flirt or lead a guy on, not because I like him, but because I am either bored or lonely, so I should consider stopping that. Yeah ok! It is not 'kind of wrong', It is wrong, full stop!
I know it kind of sounds like I might be a smidge of a terrible person...and a nightmare date of gigantic proportions (dare I say datezilla?), but that is not true.. I think.. But then, I am still single....so, go figure...
Do you have anything that you think you need to stop doing on dates?
Rules? yeah mylife is full of them.. I am
constantly creating new rules, redefining old ones and stealing other people’s
rules...Does this make dealing with me a nightmare? Probably.
Recently I have been back out there! Yep, you know it - dating!!! I am back in
the game.. and man, do I and my rules not fit into this new and crazy modern
world of dating! Every guy I date has broken a multitude of my rules... Because
it's hard to follow the rules if you don't know what they are, I am thinking
that maybe I need to print up a little hand book for prospective dates to be able to study
and then apply when meeting?
Here are some things from my recent experiences that would definitely be in
that little golden book of information:
- First dates are about getting to know each other, but having said that, I
probably don't need to HEAR (and in detail), all ABOUT your EX'S and the PROBLEMS you had with them.
- Dates are where we 'get to know each other' through conversation. This means
that you need to take some time out from talking about YOU and actually ask me
some questions about me....and LISTEN.
- If you have a mental health issue that isn't glaringly obvious, SERIOUSLY THINK about whether I need to know about that on date #1
- Date #1 is our opportunity to highlight how amazing we both are, and to convince
the other person that we are worth seeing again. So, I would strongly suggest
you refrain from telling me that; you are a SLOB/your house is a mess, that you
do not cook, that you are LAZY, that you take a shit load of recreational DRUGS
(possibly even selling them to support your own usage), you are onGrindr and love 'SEX on site' venues.
- If for what ever reason you can't dress appropriately for date #1, make sure
you make an extra effort in date #2.. and just for the record, TRACK SUIT PANTS ARE NOT AN EFFORT!
- If a date ends with a handshake, the next one can't start with a kiss
on the lips. You have to read the situation and respond accordingly!
- Try to avoid racist comments...I had one Australian guy tell me that 'wogs
are hot!'.. I guess he thought that would turn me on..... in a word- no!
- While out on the date, or even whilst spending any time with me, if you
happen to see other men you find attractive, DON"T OGLE them and comment on how HOT you think they are. It is even WORSE if they are obviously MORE HANDSOME
than me, LESS FAT than me, dress better or just seem better than me in any and
every way!.. And no, I don't have a fragile sense of self, or low self esteem!
well... nothing that I will discuss until at least after date #4, 5 or 6.
-The mind is sexy, so use it to be cheeky and a little suggestive. BLATANT
comments about your SEXUAL needs and desires,…. whilst may be great for making sure that your 'SHAG'
will match your immediate 'needs', are not really so appropriate for a nice
first date.
- We've all had it tough at some point in our lives, so don't bother with
EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE comments, aimed at getting me to fulfill your needs. I
have a mother (in other words a Supreme Master of Emotional Blackmail),
and if I can beat the Supreme Master and remain guilt free, you'll only come
away with my scorn emblazoned on your retina.
Oh, and lastly, if your date cooks for you, NO MATTER how bad the food is, find
something honest and complimentary to say about it…….and if they offer to cook
again for you, NEVER EVER say anything remotely like 'Yeah this time you might
get it right!'
If you have any 'rules' which you think I should add to my ever growing list... please let me know by adding them in as a comment!!!
I hate the whole 'pass on my regards'... unless the parties know each other and all are open to receiving each others regards. It can be an unwelcome imposition...because once you receive the regards, you then have to return the regards and people can be offended if their regards are not returned or returned appropriately. That in itself is a whole other blog piece! My parents are always telling me to pass on their regards to people they don't know... I am like 'Why?.. you don't know them.. they don't know you.. what is the point?'. I flatly refuse to do this.. where does this sort of behavior lead to? Will my parents feel some sort of connection and invite themselves along to events?... or ask to say hello to these people on the phone and have long conversations? Crazy stuff!
Recently I mentioned to a friend that I was off to a very sad event and upon hearing where it was to be held, my mate lit up. "Oh say hello to 'X', he will be there. He is lovely, I knew him well, years back. He had a nickname.. it was ' Mama'!..make sure you use his nickname when you say hello!!!". I couldn't help but think this was just a little odd and you all already know my feelings on passing on regards. Apparently my mate and the rest of 'Mama's' friends all thought he looked 'like a big fat Italian mama'!, hence the nickname. Kudos to them for being brave in the face of political correctness! I planned not to pass on any regards and let the whole topic of conversation, slide off into a deep dark hole, except that my mate kept going on about it, "Oh yeah, Mama was such a great guy, seriously make sure you say hello and pass on my regards, and make sure you call him MAMA, MAMA, MAMA!!!!"' So I get to this event...and like most people, I am sure would have done, I could have lied to my mate and told him- 'Oh yeah, I passed on your regards and he said the same back' and then quickly changed the topic of conversation... but no, not me....and do you know why not me?, because I am my own worst enemy! So.. all through this serious and sad event, I am waiting for the right moment to go up and pass on the regards.... finally I spy my chance...I approach Mama and introduce myself...and in case you are wondering, no, at no time did I refer to him as 'Mama'.
Mama is thrilled that my mate recalled him, "Oh, that's great, I have been wondering what happened to him, how is he going, what is he up to , how do you know him.." Yes.. I was suddenly being cross examined. All the while my mind is racing.. can I share that bit of info with Mama? Does Mama know that my mate is gay and has a same sex partner... ekk!!! WTF can I share??!!!!!!! I am in a right pickle and feeling that suddenly this is getting really tricky. I am cursing my mate for putting me in this awkward position....I mean, look.. Mama looks gay and my gaydar says he is .. but is he? and even so, does my mate want him to know? I am feeling that this is becoming way too hard and just as I am thinking of my exit plan, Mama asks me for my mates phone number.. I freeze.. and then say idiotically 'err, ummm yeah.. look he is in the process of moving.. and changing numbers..so why don't you give me your number and when he gets a new landline and calls me, I'll pass on your number for him to call you'.. OMG I am brilliant!!!.... until I remember that just about everyone has a mobile phone... and the whole thing sounds made up... I think Mama thought the same thing at the exact same time I did and his face drops as a painfully awkward silence follows. After what seems an eternity, Mama replies, ''Umm yeah.. ok.. I'll grab you later and pass on my number,' I have to say that I was puzzled, what?, mama couldn't give me his number right now? Is this an excuse? I start to feel annoyed and a little angry and as Mama leaves I am suddenly filled with fear that maybe Mama thought that I wanted his number for myself? Maybe, Mama thought that I liked him?? yikes!!!! Oh man.. I hate this whole 'pass on my regards' thing!!!!
So there I am cursing my mate for creating this insane situation ... grumble, grumble... when I begin to wonder if maybe I was overcautious with not giving out my mate's number.. You know, he was really keen on me passing on his regards and he did talk a lot about how lovely Mama was and how much he liked Mama, etc... So I call my mate on my mobile (because as you know, just about everyone has one).
Me- "Hi, I am at that event I told you about and met your mate"
My Mate- "What event?, what mate?"
Me- "Umm you know.. that sad event at X.. and your mate X"
My Mate- "Sorry Matthew, I am confused, and not sure what you are talking about"
Me, Screaming shrilly and about smash my phone against the nearest persons head- "MAMA!!!!!!! MAMA!!!!!!"
My Mate, oblivious to my tone and my screaming- "Oh yeah!!, Mama!! hey, how is he, did you pass on my regards, he is such a nice guy"
Me- "Yeah I did and he asked me for your number.. I don't like giving out peoples number's without their 'ok', first...so..I asked him for his number and said I'd pass it on"
My Mate- "Phew!!! Good one, yeah, God no.. don't give him my number!!!, Not sure if I want to talk to him, anyway, gotta go, chat later.. thanks for passing on my regards!"
At this, I am just numb.. Ummm, what just happened? Even now, weeks later I still don't understand. All I know for sure is, there is a reason I dislike the whole 'pass on my regards'!
It is odd that almost ten years later I still find myself thinking of him. Sometimes I wonder if he is ok. I wonder if he is happy. I like to imagine that he is. Sometimes I want to pick the phone up and call him. Sometimes I miss him, his smile and warmth. Sometimes I realise that I didn't really know him. I was too immature to see beyond myself and my own needs. When it ended, it was clear that this was all that could have come of it, we both wanted and needed very different things. But for a few brief years, we were what we both needed. We loved as best we could and we became better people. Now, for many varied reasons I can't call him, but I still think about him. I still miss him and love him. When I am maudlin, his memory is most strong. A glass of wine or a beer, weakens my resolve not to complicate his life or trouble him with my phone call. But over time I have learnt to trick my desire and as such his phone remains silent from my calls.
Hilton, you loved phonographs and gramophones. You loved a world that existed before you. I still have the cd you made me of Libby Holman. I still recall your seriousness as you said 'If anything ever happens to me, take the Edison phonograph'. Though you rarely said 'I love you', this was your way of saying it. Where I was verbose, emotional, expressive and quick to react, you were the opposite. Back then I didn't know how to read nuance, especially yours. My insecurity got the better of me and so I missed the best of you.
And here we are. Years later, different people, grown older and further apart. My thoughts of you are imbued with romantic dreams and fallacy. The truth is that we are human and we err. The truth is that I am very grateful that our lives crossed. You helped me grow, you gave me love and every day that I woke up next to you, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. You were and are beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. Some people believe that once we express something, it enters the collective consciousness where others are then able to access this expression. It becomes shared in some mysterious and unknown way. I'd like to think that this is true and that it does happen. I'd like to think that my heartfelt thanks and apology for not being all I wished I could be, finds its way through the collective consciousness to you, where ever you are, hopefully happy and living a content life.
Recently, a dear friend and I saw Woody Allen’s ‘Midnight in
Paris’. This film had a lovely understated quality about it. Yes, Woody Allen
still writes for Woody Allen, leaving his male leads to imitate him, but Owen
Wilson does get away with it better than most who have come before. One thing I like about Owen Wilson is that he is adept at using the space in
between words to communicate, via a look, a movement etc…where Allen is sometimes too verbose and
his wit, while still charming, is often too mature for these younger actors…
still enough of these minor quibbles.. An important point is that the morning after watching this film, I awoke still feeling it's warm glow within me!
This film is Allen's love note to Paris and watching it, made me fall in
love with the city as well. A huge feat given that my one and only visit to Paris in 2010, did not leave me impressed. But after
watching Allen’s opening montage….Paris and I seem to have now made up. The long glances we exchange, communicates the
shared forgiveness for our past folly, as well as our hope for a brighter future together…ahhhh… Do you see
what Allen has done to me??? The Parisian tourism board need to put him on
their books! 'Midnight in Paris', the title itself is captivatingly romantic, as is the thought of walking it's streets in the rain... I shan't bore you by talking about the plot or the themes of denial, self-trust, honesty
and one’s search for meaning and happiness (a regular theme for Allen), I
will say that it was a delightful and in some ways a subtle film, which is well
worth watching. Now, through the magic of the internet, allow me to present to you
the opening sequence to 'Midnight in Paris' and prepare to fall in love!
The bad:
Having to choose between ideals and paying the bills.
Recently in one of my paid roles, I was presented with a
situation where I began to question if my ideals are in-line with my employer.
This led me to do much soul searching. I realise that no role will be
exactly in-line with our ideals, or if it is at the start, the lines can shift
over time. So here I sit pondering, if I am being stubborn, idealistic or am I simply being ‘true
to myself’... perhaps I am being all three. But alongside that thought is the concern
of how do I also ensure that I can pay the mortgage and eat. I ask you, do we change the world, or does the
world change us?
So this month’s ‘The bad’…
is dedicated to the uncomfortable struggle we face in our ongoing quest for
congruence in our lives, between our actions and our ideals.. and
the tightrope we walk between staying true to these ideals, finding a compromise
and betraying ourselves and selling out.
The ugly:
Media personality Helen Razor once talked very openly about Mr Buzzy,
her intimate ‘self-help’ friend… Which reminds me of a sad and in some ways an
ugly tale. This is a tale of a man I had recently been seeing and how I inadvertently
put myself out of a job. You see, I was helping out at ‘that store’ again and this guy I
was seeing, decided to visit me there. We talked about the products, pointed, giggled, made some jokes and then before you
could say ‘batteries included’ I was selling a ‘self-help friend’ to this guy.. to my guy!
After this purchase, I have to say that it was a
long time in-between hearing from him and now it seems that I have put
myself out of a job! (if I can describe it that way).. Last I heard, he and the 'self-help' friend were very, very happy! So word to the wise.. if
you are ‘involved’ with someone, try to avoid selling them ‘self help’ intimacy
aides that will only make you obsolete…
I thought I would try growing beetroot this year, so I popped some in my front yard...Here are some of the beetroot ready to be cooked and eaten!:
And here are some Silverbeet and Rocket I have been harvesting. I love harvest/cut as you need type veggies!!! I had just taken out some snow peas and am thinking of popping in some yellow beans or tomatoes... Hell, I think I'll be a daredevil and plant both!!!
The Bad: Porn covers
I helped out at that shop again recently and stumbled across these pornographic parodies. I can't help looking at them and feeling really confused. I liked and have nice memories of the films, but these are not the films I recall. I would ask why?, I mean Psycho?? come on!!!! But I do wonder if we would really want to know the answer...
The Ugly: 'Friends' and John Kellogg Hodgman.
Here I have to nominate my 'friends' as being 'ugly' for bagging my future husband. How can anyone think this man is nothing but handsome??? I am worried that all of my friends think him unattractive and that I, apparently, have no taste in men. Obviously the truth is that I have poor taste in friends. If they reality checked me about the fact that a) he is married to a woman and b) he lives in the U.S.of A. that would be an acceptable friend type gesture, but to putdown my future husband, well.....No invites to slide show night! Anyway, on a serious note, here are some photos of the future Mr Schiavello, umm I mean of John Kellogg Hodgman (also known for playing 'PC' in the PC /Mac ads).
Ummm, If I had a friend photoshop me into this picture, so that John's arm is around me, would that be weird and creepy??
After looking this cute face, how can anyone say no? Those eyes say it all, intelligence, humour, quirkiness, depth...and errr what ever else you or I want to read into them!
John a couple of years back as the 'PC guy' (on the left) with the Mac guy on the right. Are Mac users too cool to tuck their tops in?:
Oh, thanks to Ric, for 'finding' this pic of hubby and I at my graduation!
Sometimes it’s hard to know where you end and I begin.
The boundary line between your idea’s and suggestions, and my own is a hazy blur where I no longer feel real. I no longer feel like a defined entity, an individual. I am but an extension of you.
I love you but I do not want this.
I love you but I want my freedom and don’t know how to break away without hurting you in the process.
I am drowning in your love and over protectiveness.
I am drowning in your ‘help’ and ‘concern’.
I am drowning in you.
I am loosing who I am,
I feel lost and desperate.
In your desire to ‘help’ you have made me helpless and dependent. I am suffocated.
(I am suffocated)
I don’t know where I begin. I don’t think I even do.
I am looking out from inside of me and all I can see is you.
Radiohead: Where I end and you begin (the sky is falling in).
"Five scenes from the City"
Branching out above me:
Lights coming on- In preparation of evening:
Melbourne's bicycles waiting to be used:
Collins St, 5.45pm Friday:
Through the branches of the Elm- The Melbourne town hall clock tower:
