Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Matthew Schiavello – Friend to the lesbians

Larry David once stood up and said that he was a friend O’ the lesbians… and now I am here to say that I, Matthew Schiavello am a friend to the Lesbians! Yes, I am a friend to the ladies who love ladies, our Sapphic sisters, dykes, lesbians, and whatever other names these ladies and grrrls whom I love are known by! 

In a survey done in the Melbourne suburb of Thornbury on 28 unsuspecting lesbian looking women, 1 in 30 felt the name ‘Matthew Schiavello’ sounded vaguely familiar. 1 in 30 is pretty good !!!!  and while the maths may not add up, the proof is in the pudding!! (don’t worry I am as confused as you are).

Ahh… The ladies who love ladies… they have blessed my life! From their camaraderie to the free tips on fixing my plumbing problems, rotting windows and much much more! My Sapphic sisters have inspired, supported and loved me!! They have practically held me to their sweet bosom (ok.. it hasn’t gone that far!... which would be too far, as far as this gay man is concerned! (not that I have intimacy issues!)), the point is- how can anyone not love my Sapphic sisters?

I have male friends who for some insane reason hate lesbians. Dear sweet Jesus am I in some crazy bizarre mixed up world??!! How can that be?.. It defies all reason.. Don’t hate lesbians!, the next time you see one, go up and hug them! Oh !..and pass on my regards.

To my gay brothers out there who may ‘hate’, all I ask is ‘why?’. It is not like our sisters are competing for resources ( ie men), trying to steal he whom you had your eye on first. My dyke mates are my extra eyes and ears, and have suggested many a man for me (yes I am still single…but it’s not that my sisters aren’t working hard enough for me,  I think it’s more so that the poor dears have no idea as to ‘what makes a good male partner for a man’.. which is unsurprising given that it’s not a survival skill they need to hone!)… Can I also add that when I have met some man of interest whilst out with my Sapphic sisters, if for example, I have needed to visit the powder room, I have never felt safer leaving this man and his virtue alone than with these ladies who love ladies (not that I am inferring that my gay male friends would do anything…but… )

Wherever I have been, lesbians have embraced me…the tired stereotype of them being man haters, please!! I don’t know a single lesbian that hates me and I am a man!! If anything, us fella’s are our probably own worst enemy. Anyway, if a few of our ‘sisters who love sisters’ have a dislike towards men and think of men as being selfish, well…try being me!!  (yes it is all about me…) Dear sisters, if you think you have a problem with men being selfish ‘out there’ in the ‘world’...believe me that (as impossible as it sounds), more of them are selfish in the bedroom!! Imagine how much worse life would be as me- cursed with being attracted to and loving these selfish buggers!!

And regardless if the lady loves ladies or not…Who hates women? What’s not to love? Sure I mean it in a platonic way... Because I can think of a couple of female body parts that I don’t ‘love’ as such, but as a whole, women are simply divine!

I mean… have you met my mother, or any of my many aunties???  How can you spend time with them and not love?.. (again in a platonic way.. please don’t spend time with my mother or aunties and think ‘non-platonic’ thoughts.. that’s just wrong!!)

So remember men, the next time you see a dyke, don’t hate, hug!!

Yes, to harp on the point, the next time you see a lady who loves ladies, go up, wrap your arms around her, hug her like you mean it and tell her that I said hi… they all know me.. Matthew Schiavello- friend to the lesbians!! (Well… technically it’s Matthew Schiavello- vaguely familiar to 1. However, in my defence it was a small sample group and let’s not let technicalities get in the way, especially of a hug!)

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