This is how the end of a recent phone call with my mum went;
me: 'ok mum, I need to go, I might walk down the street and get some fish and chips for dinner'
Mum: 'Oh!!! Be careful!!!!'
me: 'Mum! It's in my street, I am just literally walking down my street'.
Mum: "It was on the news that someone was almost kidnapped in Pakenham!"
(which according to google search is 72.9 km's away from me),
me: 'Mum, I am just going down the street, I'll be ok'
Mum: I'm just saying be careful, you don't know who is out there!!'
I was going to respond with how I have stacked on the weight and they would need five men from Pakenham to lift me into the back of the van, but I just couldn't continue talking about potentially being kidnapped in my own street.
Now, some people might find this kind of sweet..... but the thing is Mum will likely call me later to make sure I wasn't kidnapped on my way to the fish and chip shop! And If I don't answer the phone she will panic. Now, if I was being kidnapped on my way back home, with fish and chips in hand and mum was around to see this, you can bet your bottom dollar that mum would be telling them off and probably saying 'At least let him eat his dinner!!!'
What effect has this had on me? I am often thinking crazy things and taking them to insane conclusions, let me share:
Recently a mate was telling me how it was too hot for him to sleep in his house and I suggested, as he lived in the country, he pitch a tent in his backyard and sleep under the stars. He loved the idea and then my mind starts to wander, well if I had a son, how excited would he be if he slept under the stars in the backyard on a hot night! I saw his big smile and joy beaming from him as he grabbed his torch, teddy bear and child size sleeping bag. Then, I did start to panic a little about mosquitoes and bugs, but calmed down reminding myself about mosquito netting in tents, so my son, wouldn't have to spray carcinogenic bug repellent all over himself...Then as I settle into this calm and lovely thought of my son, happy to be camping in the safety of our backyard, mosquito nets up, him behind that sitting on his child size sleeping bag with torch and teddy bear in hand...all is lovely until I am snapped out of it by 'OMG! what if while my son is sleeping in the backyard on a hot night, some crazy person jumps over our backyard fence and steals him ….. or worse!!!!' I start to hyperventilate, I am really freaking out. After what is surely only a few minutes but seems so much longer, I somehow manage to calm down as I start to realise that I could stand guard and sleep in the backyard with my son... and then all is well.... well, until I think about how I am a heavy sleeper and my son could be stolen away from right next to me while I am snoring loudly, my loud snores probably being how the child kidnapper zeroed in, in order to steal my son!!!!!'. It was all because of me!!!!! It was settled then, that NO MATTER WHAT, my son was to sleep indoors with window locks, deadlocks, alarm system and security cameras! ah, I was finally able to heave a huge sigh of relief.
The craziest thing of all is that I have no children.
I am blaming my state of craziness on my mother.
I love you mum.