Friday, March 15, 2013

The BBQ, the 'housemate' and yet another failed date.

The lawyer had hardly spoken to me over the course of the year.

He lived in Sticksville. You know the place, the one that you had to go to yourself that time, which was way out of town, not quite in the country, but not quite the suburbs, not even the outer fringes. It took you forever to get there and when you finally did, you found yourself thinking loudly 'why would anyone live way out here?', and the other person with you said 'where the fuck are we?'. When you mentioned your trip to your friends, they asked if you had taken a packed lunch. Well, that was the place the lawyer lived.

So, suddenly after a brief conversation, which had come from out of the blue, I was being invited to a BBQ at 8.30pm in a few days’ time. Me, being me, said it was too late for me to eat…. you know, by the time you get there and the BBQ actually starts, it is at least 10.30pm before you are sitting down to eat. I suggested that as it was too late for me to eat, that instead I come over for a drink and chat. He agreed. Upon my asking what should I bring, he said 'washed rind cheese'. Not only had I no idea what that was (apart from it being food and cheese), I was feeling a little annoyed. I mean, what part of  'I am not eating' did he not get, and then I am asked to bring food?! Was this something from his shopping list he had forgotten to pick up on his latest trip to the shops? Did he want me to pick up his dry cleaning as well? The next day he called me saying we wanted to bring the BBQ forward an hour and promised we would not eat late. As I was already bringing food stuffs he had forgotten to pick up during his weekly shopping trip, I agreed to eat. Why not?

I went to the Italian deli near my work,… as their cheese section is HUGE they would surely know what this washed rind malarkey is. The thing was, they didn't. Instead they asked what was it for, who was I seeing and what nationality he was (sticky beaks I know!), The moment I said he was an Aussie they were racists as all buggery and said 'Give him some provolone, 'they' love it!'. I replied that I just use provolone on my everyday sandwiches and the hilariously racist deli lady said, 'yeah but 'they' don't know that and think it's gold! GOLD!'. What else could I do? I took the provolone and then headed to the refrigerated section (where milk and dairy is kept) and saw some soft danish cheeses as well as Camembert and Brie, so I bought one 'just in case'. Fifteen dollars and a phone call to my brother later and it turned out that the soft cheeses (yep, those with the washed rind), was what I was meant to buy in the first place. Maybe I should apply for a job in the Deli? Attitude?-check, sticky beak?-check! racist- check (aren't we all to some degree?), knowledge of soft rind cheese- check!

 So, there I was driving in 40 degree heat to the ends of the earth. It was so hot that my car air-con needed it's own air-con. I think I stopped to fill up with petrol twice on the way there.. yeah ok I am exaggerating just a tad, but if my tank like car did not have such a HUGE petrol tank, I am certain I would have had to have filled up at least twice!! I did have to stop several times to check my map, Yes I use a hard copy of the street directory!! I don't trust those confounded electronic talking maps!!! Once I was with my sister and her talking GPS had us looping round the block! Give me a compass and map any day! .. Anyway, finally I had arrived in Sticksville.

The lawyer opened the door and the first thing I realised was that he was shorter than I thought he would be and much older than his internet dating profile stated. Short was ok, in fact he was my height, I was excited as I don't think I have ever dated anyone my own height! I would however normally be annoyed by the lying of ones age, you know the whole foundation built on lies thing.. but as I already knew he was a lawyer...I guess it kind of goes with the territory. Anyway, he invited me in and showed me around his mansion like home. Of course he had a grand piano and, no, he didn’t play. Apparently it was for atmosphere. When he told me that he had decorated the interior himself, I wondered if I should have told him not to tell anyone else that.... At every step in the tour, he told me how much he had spent on the house, both the ongoing renovations and the interior decorating.. I couldn't help but say, 'you've really over capitalised for the area'. He froze for a moment and then mentioned how he didn't care, as he saw himself dying in the house.. I couldn't help but wonder when this was going to happen., Was it soon and did he know something I didn't? After being shown around the mansion for what seemed hours, I felt like I needed a drink or twenty. My date must have read my mind, because he suggested we sit down and open a bottle of champagne (which was followed by several bottles of wine). I don't count other peoples drinks, but this guy seemed to drink a bottle to my glass. Mind you I was counting time and making sure the food didn't go on the BBQ too late... I cannot eat after a certain time you upsets my whole routine!

So there we were, making small talk, getting to know each other and me being me, I had to know why it took a year of infrequent chatting to finally decide to meet...

He: "I've been really busy with work."

Me: " ok... look don't get me wrong, I am really happy to be here and that you asked me over, but it kind of came out of the blue and I am a bit surprised by it".

 I should mention at this point that in all the time we have been chatting, his internet dating profile clearly stated that he was a SINGLE GAY MALE, but he responded with...

He: "Yes, well work has eased up a little, and as my housemate has just gone away on holiday, I thought it would be a good opportunity to invite you over."

Me: 'Your housemate? I didn't realise you had a housemate. How long has he been here with you?'

He:' Oh.. he and I shared before I bought this house.'

Me: 'Oh! So is he just a housemate or your partner?'

He:' oh.. well umm.. partner I guess, but we aren't so close anymore.'

 Me: 'Hmm.. do you still consider yourself a couple and still share a bed?'

Yes I do go in hard and fast with my questioning.. take no prisoners I say!!!

He:' ah.. yes.. but we don't have sex as often as we did at the start of the relationship.'

Me: 'You know that your profile says that you are single.'

He.. feigning innocence:' Does it?'

 Me: 'I am wondering how your partner would react to being referred to as your housemate?'

Unsurprisingly he didn't respond to that question. I guess he knew it was rhetorical. So there I was in Sticksville with this freaking soft rind cheese and provolone (which cost me $15!) and not sure what the heck was going on. The next several hours became a quasi counselling session as he talked about everything that was wrong with his life and with his several failed relationships, as well as what he saw as being problematic with this current one. Or should I say with his current 'housemate'? I asked if he had talked about his concerns with his partner/housemate, and he replied 'No'. I asked how he expected his partner to know what he was thinking and feeling if he didn't share his thoughts and feelings with him... He agreed with this point and said I was brilliant. Despite all the other issues, at least this man was able to recognise my brilliance! He then asked if I would come back another day and talk to his partner about their relationship, as I had with him. I said “Sure” and half joked, but was mostly serious about how much I charge per hour, in cash.... He went deathly silent and never mentioned my counselling services again.

By the time we finished talking, it was 2.30am. I said I had better leave and he suggested I stay over in the spare room, though he referred to it by name.Yes, the spare rooms had names. Each room’s name reflected its own uniquely decorated theme. Uniquely of course meaning ......... (Dear reader, please fill in the blank with your choice of adjective, I'd suggest something like 'hideous' ). Anyway, I lied and said I couldn't stay over as I didn't bring my toothbrush. Little did he know that the boot of my car has a suitcase filled with spare clothes, shoes and bits and bobs just in case my date and I hit it off and we decide that I should move in there and then!

So there I was driving home from Sticksville in the early hours of the morning, scratching at the twenty two itchy-as-hell mosquito bites covering my arms and legs, which were still bothering me a week later. Though I had been eaten alive as we talked and ate 'al fresco', I guess I was still a little confused about his situation, and to be honest, I was still attracted to him and so, I didn't want to be seen as a complainer and just sucked up the pain of those bloody mosquito bites instead of asking to move indoors. More fool me......

To add to it all, we never even opened up and nibbled on these bloody cheeses, not even the soft rind one!!


  1. oh you poor dear. you went through hell and back. (to civilisation). i laughed out loud. you write so well. and i do like your direct approach. i am not good at asking direct questions like that. well done you. are you going to see him again? i love the visual of your little suitcase in the boot. just in case.

    1. Thanks Yevisha :-)
      The direct approach is made famous by an Italian Aunt of mine.. having said that I have a greek 'Aunt' who is so so upfront I am often suppressing laughter and/or shock. Neither are malicious, they just say what they think... :-)

  2. 'When he told me that he had decorated the interior himself, I wondered if I should have told him not to tell anyone else that....'


  3. Oh, you fell into a black hole Matthew! ( Glad you're out of it ).

  4. Why out in Nowhere thank God he did not get you drunk, push you into a pit, and holler "It puts the lotion in the basket."

    1. Ahhh, well umm... that is the next blog story.....