Everything in its right place

I walk the streets. I am on my way home. Radiohead’s Lp ‘Kid A’ plays out and the chill of Autumn is felt. This chill is bearable, I am happy that it is not yet Winter. Skipping the main street with its 5pm traffic and noise, I walk down back lanes and alleys. Apartments tower above and to the sides, I navigate the broken bottles. God this is a bleak place. Not surprisingly, thoughts of ‘us’ fill my head, and ‘Everything in its right place’ fills my ears. Things suddenly make sense. I write in my journal….

Extracts from an unsent letter to my lover dated April 2011

“I realised, surrounded by this bleakness, the concrete lanes strewn with broken glass, boxed apartments stacked high and wide…Frightened people within the boxes look out expectantly as if something is going to happen, they wait for some dramatic and beautiful change, but it never comes… the knowledge seems to creep up on them, creep up on all of us- ‘this is it’…. Gone is expectation, in its place, unhappiness. It makes perfect sense, this was all that could follow, this is what was meant to be and is…everything is in its right place.”

“We argue again. I make my point like a crazy European, righteous, loud and angry. You brood silently. Even now, minutes later, I forget what we argued about, it’s never about factual things, strange isn’t it? Perhaps not, for I have come to realise that there is no room for ‘truth’ in our relationship. How can there be?, we are based on a lie. He thinks you are at work, not here with me. He thinks you are the faithful and monogamous partner, but here we are again, fucking. He doesn’t even know I exist and I love him for that. I could not stand to face him and take responsibility for my part in this. I am as much a coward as you are, as much a traitor…”

“I think about the unhappiness that follows. Isn’t that what comes after deceit? I deluded myself for so long that we were in love, how childish of me. How blind and desperate. All you ever gave me were the scraps that He would not notice gone. I can’t help but think that everything is in its right place. I got what I asked for. I sit in the lane, on a plastic milk-crate amongst the debris. Staring up at the boxes filled with frightened people, I snarl at them ‘what did you expect?!!’ My voice echo’s off the concrete. There is no response, except for the movement of curtains being drawn.”

Something old, Something new, Something borrowed and Something blue: April 2011

Something old:

 

Glenn Miller & His Orchestra with The Modernaires – ‘Perfidia’.

I don’t know what it is about this song and this version, but I have loved it ever since I heard it years ago. It makes me want to close dance with someone special.... It is beautiful and slightly melancholic (isn't everything melancholic beautiful?).

something new:

I think I finally ‘get’ the latest Radiohead LP. I have listened to it a couple of times and thought.. hmmm.. it’s ok.. then this week as I sat working away on the computer, I decided to put 'The King of Limbs' on  the turntable… and it happened… I stopped to really listen and as the sound washed over me, it made sense. This is a record with layers.

Radiohead – 'Codex'.  
This is a fan made clip... The 30-37 sec mark is simply glorious.

 Something borrowed: 

José González - 'Put Your Hand On Your Heart'. 
This is an example of making a song your own...It took me a while to work out what this was a cover of... brilliant and lovely!

Something Blue:

Max Richter -'Written On The Sky'. 
This is from 'The Blue notebooks'.

This fan made clip, mixes imagery of the sea's raw power and beauty, with this short piece of haunting piano music.

Autumn again- 2011

This was based on an extract from 'The Virginian Letters' dated 17^th of April 2011. Which is correspondence between ‘J’ in Virginia and myself.

Dear ‘J’,

Where once the falling leaves would leave me with melancholy, where once I saw the loss of leaves as loss of life itself and autumn as the slow dying that leads to death - that devil winter, now I see autumn as being part of a glorious cycle, for the tree still lives. It merely sheds its leaves, its dressing... and then it rests until spring where life starts again.... and those autumn colours!!.. My god the colours are amazing!!! Yellows, reds, browns, purples…so many combinations and no two leaves are coloured exactly alike! I know for I have checked!

I sometimes I find myself standing in the street, or the park, transfixed by autumn... the leaves floating through the air, sometimes spiraling, the colours of the leaves moving with the breeze, or collected in piles on the ground…. If I could choose what season to die in, I would wish it to be in mid-autumn..  It is a time where nature informs us that life continues....It's not a statement that I shall arise (so relevant to Easter! Which is but days away!), instead it says-‘though I am gone, something else will be born and life goes on differently, but as beautifully.  Mourn not for me, for I was here for as long as was meant…’.

matthew.

What is it with….. the public nose pick and not taking a stand against it?

        I had a lecturer who would stand in front of the class and constantly pick and play with his nose. He would demonstrate a variety of picking techniques, such as: The ‘sneaky pick’- where the finger scoots up the nose a bit, stops- thinking it has been sprung, withdraws (either slowly or quickly). But then like a sneaky ninja,  it strikes unexpectedly!; the ‘hesitant pick’-where the finger just enters the nose, pauses (may withdraw and start again) and then goes in quickly and shallowly (this one is the ‘why bother’ of nose picking); the ‘quick thumb pick’-where the thumb rests just on the outside of the nose opening and then like a sneaky ninja, scoops up, in and out - bringing its stolen treasures along with it; The ‘scratch pick’- which is a deceptive bugger, it starts off as a quick scratch, but then (again like a sneaky ninja) the finger quickly shoots up, in and out.  Obviously these are but a few of the many and varied nose picking techniques known to humanity. 

        Alas, If I was enrolled in nose picking 101, or even in advanced nose picking I would have learnt much, but I wasn’t. Instead I found myself so distracted by my lecturer’s nose picking shenanigans that I lost most of the lecture! I have no idea what was being said, the act itself was too hypnotic and horrifying ‘I tells ya’!!!  A few times I came close to saying something to my lecturer…. In my head it was all worked out,  I would slam my hand on the desk, stand up and say “for the love of Christ man, stop picking your frigging nose!”, but my friends and class mates all said  ‘No, that would be inappropriate!’ Apparently my suggestion of politely asking his assistant to talk to him about it, was also seen as being inappropriate. 

         I ask you, is it appropriate to pick your nose in public, in the office or anywhere others are present? Shouldn’t we be stamping out this kind of anti-social behaviour, rather than stopping those that dare to right social wrongs? Those dear brave souls who lay their lives (and potential marks on their assignments) on the line, to stand up and say: this is not right! And it cannot be tolerated anymore!!!  Those brave souls who demand an end to student’s essays being touched by snot covered ninja fingers (and then returned back to them!). Stand tall and proud with those that dare to be brave and support them dear friend! For today it may ‘just’ be picking ones nose, but tomorrow…tomorrow it could become so much more, so much worse!

Stuff I like: August 2011

When I was much younger BMX’s ruled the world…. I recall friends and neighbors laying down on the sidewalk as turns were taken to jump over them. It was so exciting. I recall being jumped over and then trying to jump over others, who were subsequently 'landed on' by me and my heavy framed, 2nd hand-put together, BMX which I was proud for having Mongoose pedals!!! Anyway... now days people are so boring when they ride in to work…When they stop at the lights, waiting for them to change, they use the time to catch their breath, sometimes pose and look about, but mostly are B.O.R.I.N.G.! to look at…They need to use that time to ‘bring it’. I think that if you are unable to bring a bit of the BMX free-‘style’ to your ride in to work, then leave the bike behind and catch a bus !

Old School original FOB BMX Music Video "Tough Enough"! Yes it's a crap song (it was the 80's, there was so much bad music, hair and fashion), but check out the moves cause they ROCK! (and I keep waiting for someone to be taken out by the bus).

This next clip I discovered whilst browsing the net and ended up on the Beastie Boys website (as you do)... They had posted this clip on their blog and it is BRILLIANT!  It's a First person view of a mountain bike race in urban Chile. 

Next... At uni this week Existentialism came up (as it does at uni.. I mean sit around long enough wearing a Beret and Its only a matter of time!!).. So, I got to thinking about Nietzsche and how many moons ago when I had a full head of hair and was younger, I attempted to read his 'stuff' and realised that;

a) Not only is his writing really 'hard to get into'...but,

b) one of things I read and that stayed with me was the idea that the truth is not absolute.

It is so post-modern and so true!! I LOVE it and for about 10 years wanted that as the only thing written on my grave stone. No name, dates, nothing except- the truth is not absolute.
anyway..I found this pic of Nietzsche on the internet which for some silly reason makes me smile.. maybe because he is so heavy and serious and yet.. OMG! he is about to eat a COOKIE!!!! 

I hope you get a smile out of this as well.

My dear friend ‘K’ has 2 new Kittens and  is such a mum with them.. Not only is she constantly taking photos of them and video (and carries the pics and video around to show people), but she even makes little hand rolled and mixed treats for the kittens. These are often individually wrapped then frozen for the kittens to enjoy at their liesure…. Bless her.. anyway, this is for her…"World's Cutest Kitten".. oh, and the person who posted it has kindly added the worlds most irritating music as well, I can only assume it was done to counterbalance the 'too-cuteness' of the kittens. God they are so cute I want to EAT them.. in a sandwich, with mayo!!! Mmmmmmm, Fluffy kitten sandwich.

Lastly to end the Blog post with some style:
Jimmy Durante in 1955 closing his show with 'goodnight'.




and to you, a good night, where ever you are.

Thoughts on dating me.

Thoughts on dating me… not thoughts on someone, or indeed anyone dating me, but… well I got to thinking about this the other day as I walked home from work…. Would I date me?

The answer did start off as a resounding yes, but then I waivered and thought that I might be better off avoiding me at all costs! 

I started off thinking about how marvellous I am. It is a known fact that I am lovely, charming, considerate and sure there are moments when I am not at my best, I am after all, only human.  A wise man once said- one of the most beautiful things that exists in us all is our imperfection (now that I think of it, that wise man may have been me justifying my imperfections to someone else...hmmm). 

Anyway, I (i.e. my ego) would like to think that my pros definitely outweigh my con’s. The wise man in me would definitely say that when it comes to imperfection being a thing of beauty, I am a bloody supermodel!

So there I was thinking about how great I am and how wonderful I would be to date, when I started to think about how I sometimes like to play devils advocate…just because I can…so I envisioned me, arguing with me and really pissing me off (or should that read ‘pissing myself off’?). God I can be annoying at times, stubborn, righteous and argumentative...which makes me wonder how long could I put up with I?

I guess the bonus in me dating myself is that I get to double my wardrobe!!...and I like what I wear, which is good because there is no use in doubling your wardrobe if you don’t like the other persons tastes!!

So… would I date myself… possibly. I might need to run this by my friends though and get some other thoughts. Would the relationship last???? Hmmm that’s a whole other question! Which then raises the question of- would it end amicably? Errrr, probably not… I am sure it would be likely to end with justifiable homicide (only because I know what an annoying bugger I am at times), but then that raises the whole paradox issue- 'can I kill I and still exist?' etc...

I feel a headache coming on.

Autumn 2011

Autumn and Spring are two of my favorite seasons. On my way to and from work over the past couple of days, I have taken my little digital camera along. I thought that I would share some of the Autumnal moments that were captured.

 

 Enjoy Autumn. It is beautiful.

The ex: A long forgotten date

Recently I was out at dinner with a couple of friends when I realised that I had been on a date a few years back with a man sitting alone a few tables away. The dilemma arose, should I say hello or not...is that rude, am I ignoring him.. do I ‘have to say hello’ etc…  The date itself was kind of ok. It started off really well, he took me to the exhibition opening of a friend of his (the works were interesting), but then the date became progressively...ummm… less fun.  Dinner was at a really grotty Asian dumping place where the dirt on the floor had dirt on it. The toilets at the establishment were insanely unclean (I was scared to touch anything at all, including the flush button), I found myself wondering if they had ever been cleaned, at all, ever and then I started to freak out, so I distracted myself with optimistic thoughts of the evening.. and how I need to calm down, otherwise my date will think I am a loon. I composed myself and made my way back to the table... Thats when things took a turn for the bizarre. My date’s eye started to bleed internally…which meant that blackness slowly oozed over the white of his eye (which was apparently common for him). He talked about his ex, who was his favourite type of man- quiet and takes to being bossed about (yes…I began to have the same thoughts that you yourself are now having). It gets better, because my date then told me that I was lovely, because I reminded him of the ex he used to control…He then became a little saddened as he told me how the ex eventually worked up the courage to stand up for himself and left, but then my date looked up cheerfully and expectantly at me. The part of his eye that wasn’t black with oozing blood, twinkled. No need for me to tell you that I didn’t see this man again… well that was until the recent dinner.

I explained this to my friend’s.. who looked past that and still argued a point on etiquette… The whole 'Do I have to say hello or not?' debate raged. My friends felt that not only was it the polite thing to do, but I had to go over and say hello because by now, he had looked over a few times and it was obvious that we were talking about him. I argued that I could be wrong, it might not be him (as suggested by a scar on his scalp that I didn’t recall being there when we dated).. and anyway, he could always come over and say hello to me etc.....but alas, bloody majority rule ruled that I go and say hello… which I did.

The Conversation awkwardly went like this:

 Me: “Hi..”

Him:  looking at me puzzled, but with a polite smile.

Me: “did you used to work at….”

Him: “Yes…”

Me: “And your name is…..”

Him: “Yes..” (he still looks at me puzzled..) "do I know you?"

Me: “Umm.. not sure if you remember me, we went out on a date once…”

Him: “Did we?..(he now lights up as if he won the Lotto…can you blame him?).. where did we go?….”

So, after much explaining… it turns out he didn’t recall me. He apologised and I turned and glared at my friends. He had had some brain trauma and surgery. This led to him losing part of his memory and gaining HUGE scars on his head! The scar on the side of his head not facing me was almost as big as his head. I joked that he should lie about the scars and say that he was in a fight and thrown through a window, It was much more ‘butch’ and exciting a story than the truth.. he politely smiled and I wondered why I often make such stupid statements. I mentioned that my friends thought they saw him looking over at us 'as if he knew me', he apologised for their mistake. Apparently he was just looking past us at through the window. I looked over and gave my friends a very ferocious glare.

The awkward part was when he asked me what happened after the date- how come we didn’t go on a second date etc… I was polite and said that he was still working through his break up.. etc

Anyway… after we exchanged phone numbers (yes, Those bloody HUGE scars were guilt inducing!!).. he instructed me that I was too call him first, quote’ “Now, YOU WILL call me and we will meet”. At this I went a little nuts.. my hands waived about manically and I was quite beside myself and forthright in voicing my objection (to put it mildly)… In fact I think I said rather incredulously (and with raised voice and those manically flailing arms)- “Why am I calling you??? I came over her and said hello to you, so if anything you should call me!!”. I then went on to repeat this, but louder (umm maybe a touch more hysterically now) and with even more exaggerated hand movements. Obviously I was on a soap box and was not going to let the fact that I didn’t want to say hello, let alone see him again, get in the way of a good argumentative point. Anyway, after making my point several times (a specialty of mine), breathing out quite loudly and giving him a look that stated ‘I cannot believe you!' I shook my head and stormed off in annoyance, well, as much as you can ‘storm off’ when you’re only going back to your place three tables away.

Moral of the story is:

It’s probably not best to go up to an ex and say hello...unless

a)      You really want to

or

b)      You are absolutely, positively sure that they saw and recognised you, and you want to follow etiquette and ‘do the right thing’.