Don't look back in Anger

Each month a friend and I take it in turn to chose a theme, to come up with something creative to post on Instagram. Usually I post a photograph. But this months, theme, chosen by my friend Jules 'Don't look back in anger', made me think about doing something different. Here is my contribution (shared here, because Intsagram is not good for long text posts, and try as I did, I couldn't fix the crap formatting.

Don't look back in anger:

“Don’t look back in anger”, they said. Your anger makes us feel uncomfortable. Your anger scares us.  Your anger is not needed. It is vulgar.

The truth is they don’t know what to do with my anger, it is too real. My anger is a reminder of what they failed to protect me from, from that which has deeply scarred me. The truth is, my anger helped me survive. My anger stopped me ending my life. My anger gave me the strength to make it to the other side. The truth is, my anger is a flag, it yells and draws attention to those that hurt me, to those that ‘got away with it’, there were no consequences for them. My anger reminds this society and the individuals in it, that they failed me, as they failed and still fail many others.

“Don’t look back in anger” they say, sipping their lattes and brunching away. Don’t you want to be happy? Can’t you move on?   Can’t you let it go, or forget about it? These demands, openly disguised as questions, make them as guilty as those who hurt me, who abused me. It makes them complicit in covering up the acts and shows them as colluding. They may as well have held me down those many, many times.

Don’t tell me to stop looking back in anger. Don’t. 

I am not responsible for your feelings of uncomfortableness. I am not responsible for your fear of my anger. I get it. I really do. The truth is, that you don’t know how to sit with my anger and my hurt.  That is ok, I don’t expect you to.

‘But, haven’t you been angry for long enough now?’ they ask.  Disappointed, I gently shake my head from side to side and reply ‘No’.

copyright matthew schiavello 2017

35mm Film

I have been busy working away on photography, both digital and analog photography.

Here is some recent 35mm film photography, I had scanned in.


AK and I, exploring (#19).
Ilford FP4 plus, 35mm film. 
Taken in mid 2017.

AK and I, exploring the city.
Kodak Gold 200, 35mm film. 
Taken in late 2017.

These next ones are triple exposures, where I took three images, one over the other (all in camera). Crop and post editing processing (slight tweaking) done on the computer.


April 2018 Image #02
(Positive version)
Camera: Nikon FM10
Lens: AI Micro-Nikkor 1:2.8 55m
Film: Kodak Portra 160

April 2018 Image #4

Not sure what happened here, but my 35mm scanner can't seem to handle too much saturated color in film negatives and sometimes does weird, unexpected things.

Camera: Nikon FM10
Lens: AI Micro-Nikkor 1:2.8 55m
Film: Kodak Portra 160

April 2018 Image #8
Camera: Nikon FM10
Lens: AI Micro-Nikkor 1:2.8 55m
Film: Kodak Portra 160

April 2018 Image #68
(Positive version)
Camera: Nikon FM10
Lens: AI Micro-Nikkor 1:2.8 55m
Film: Kodak Portra 160
 

all work, copyright matthew schiavello 2018

Working away

A friend recently asked if I was in a creative slump as he hadn't seen much output from me.
I smiled and told him that I am busy working away, creating new work and exploring new mediums (I am also posting regularly on instagram, Ello and tumblr).

I have taken so many photos, that I am still slowly working my way through images I captured at the start of 2017, as well as working my way through mixed-media pieces I created in 2015 & 2016!

Here are some things I have been working on recently.
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"Middle age, an autoportrait. Also known as- trying out my old 20mm film lens, on my full frame camera."  I took this as i decided to brush the cobwebs of an old 20mm film lens I had. This image is only from a few weeks ago.
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‘A poppy′
140117.
This image was from January 2017. This one has been flipped upside down.

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Country landscape  #330
311216.
This was taken somewhere near the South Australian/Victorian border as we drove home from an interstate holiday in Adelaide over Christmas 2016.

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Yellow Lines  #22 171016 . Taken in October 2016, somewhere in the city of Melbourne.
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Twilight over the Macedon Ranges #46 
141017.  Taken in October 2017. I took a series of these images, there is something so lovely about wide country vistas and twilight.
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‘What makes me a man? #113 190217′
“I lie about the size of my cock. I say it is much bigger than it is, it makes me feel like I am more of a man, stronger, more powerful.”

This piece from a series in Feb 2017,  aims to explore aspects of toxic masculinity. .

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The agony of non-acceptance (v).  From a conceptual series taken in February 2017.
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Self Portrait #11 170417  . A self portrait taken in April 2017.
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'cock iii'
(for the Laird's art comp)

Acrylic and graphite on paper. 2017. I completed three works for a gay art comp.
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Seminal works Outtake
‘Seminal works #02 070116′.  An outtake from the Seminal works series.  Scanned experimental work with Semen, ink and watercolour. The project catalogue, which talks about the project in depth can be downloaded  from this page: https://www.matthewschiavello.com/other-projects/

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Spit #07  130316  . Scanned experimental works, using Spit (Saliva), watercolor and Ink.
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‘The Leanover (in red, white and yellow’)', 2018. 20 x20 inches.. acrylic and graphite on canvas. Self framed.( i-phone photograph)
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all work, copyright matthew schiavello 2018