Sunday, February 20, 2011

The good the bad and the ugly - Feb 2011

The Good: Friends disclosing personal and hilarious information over dinner.

Recently I was at dinner with a couple of friends and as we paused for air during a now unmemorable conversation, one of the friends casually said, “I lost my virginity when I was 14 to a 16 year old amputee”. Not only did this have absolutely nothing to do with the topic of conversation, but my friend carried on as if she had just casually mentioned that she needed to pick up milk on her way home. My eyes bulged out of my head and I had to backtrack- “WOAH!!! Hang on a minute, did you just say….???”. Obviously the other friend and I then asked a million questions, including- ‘wasn’t this illegal?’ (the age difference, not the ‘having sex with an amputee’ bit). Anyway, the thing that makes this hilarious is that the amputee is missing a hand (I think she said that he has the whole arm down to the wrist), and she didn’t realise this until SOMEONE ELSE pointed it out AFTER the deed was done. My friends excuse for not noticing was that the amputee was wearing a long sleeve t-shirt so ‘it was hard to tell’. Ummm.. yeah. 
I asked her ‘how could you not tell that he was only using one hand to touch you?’ (where I then began to manically demonstrate this at the restaurant- the other diners must have thought that we were insane), anyway, her answer was ‘no’, she didn’t notice. I did wonder if she thought him marvellously skilled at undoing a bra with only one hand (maybe she thought he was showing off?)… but as he was wearing a long sleeve t shirt, they probably didn’t bother going to the effort of taking all their clothes off to do it. Does that make it lazy sex?. Or is that when you can't be bothered putting the effort in? Or is that when you start and stop and take your time?

So dear reader if you are ever at dinner with me, feel free to disclose anything personal and hilarious, just be prepared for a "that’s FANTASTIC!!!!” and then for me to ask a million questions (p.s. thank you to my de-flowered friend for graciously letting me share this story!).

The Bad: The work toilet.

I work in small-ish office and we have two unisex toilets (YAY!!!). One thing I hate and that freaks me out is seeing who has come out of the toilet just before I am about to use it, or worse, someone seeing me leave and going in straight after me !!!!!

I don’t want to smell what my boss has done in the toilet, or see any signs of his visit that may have been left behind (ladies you know what I am talking about, the fella’s seem oblivious to this, as I always seem to be cleaning up after my male colleagues for fear a female colleague seeing me come out of the toilet and then going straight in, will think that I made that mess!). 

See, the problem for me is that anything I know that Joe Bloggs has done in the toilet is just going to stay in my brain. What’s worse is that if I am in a mood and my boss leaves a reminder of his ‘visit’ behind, I can see myself pulling him up on that. Alternatively, if I am in a particularly caring mood that day and there is a considerable odour left behind, I am likely to strike up a conversation about it with the person in question and ask if they are ok,what did they eat and do they need to a) see a Dr, or b) change their diet.

As for me, I don’t want people to know the details of my ‘visit’ to the bathroom. It’s just too intimate (well close friends know all about my bowl movement dramas and joys) and please don’t go all Freud on me either and mention the stages of psychosexual development, in particular- the anal stage, (I am not a fan of Freudian analysis).. This is about privacy, not issues that I may or may not have with ‘giving and receiving pleasure’ (which my counsellor and I may or may not be currently working through).

The ugly- The no carb diet.

In an attempt to reclaim my wardrobe, I have embarked on a two week no-carb diet. I have been given lots of support and advice from D & R and if I don’t loose enough weight by the end of the fortnight (which is ok if it doesn’t happen), I know that at least there is the likelihood that I will be up on some form of assault charge. Not being able to eat bread, pasta, rice or MUESLI!!!! (which I sometimes have twice a day!! YUM!!) has lead me to being cranky all day and wanting to attack people.. and I mean anyone and everyone!!! 

Day 1 saw me on the verge of going mental and biting people in the street, because I was so damn hungry for carbs!!!!! (I am serious here).

Day 2 saw me wanting to punch out anyone eating a sandwich in front of me

Day 3 saw me stay indoors for safety’s sake

Day 4 I am at work god help any customer snacking on carbs in my presence, because I will jump this counter and either kick them out and give them a life time ban from the store, or wrestle them and their carbs to the ground, possibly biting them in the process, because god knows I can’t bite into a yummy sough dough sandwich at the moment!!!

Grrrrrr !!!!


  1. Recent crapping smells can be removed by striking a match - which burns the methane and creates a general smell of burning. Match boxes can be kept in all toilet areas except those which have heavy condensation, or where small children might get them.

    Bad male toilet habits can be reduced by making general comments about the mess being left in the toilet, just as part of normal conversation.

    ...often a crouching cleaner can see dribbles and splashes which the user can't see from their user inspection positions.

  2. Love the post ...especially the no carb diet bit. Update me on the no carb diet I wonder if the anger has subsided?