'Expectations' Thoughts on Love pt 2 ( August 2010)

i- 

What do I expect from my love?, from love itself? Am I greedy to expect?, was I not raised to be grateful for what was given.. and yet in this most primal, yes, I believe that love is one of the  fundamental feelings, a fundamental emotional human response,  we have expectations. Some believe that my own expectations are too high, but I disagree, for I have met men that have met these ‘high expectations’. Current circumstances see me being single, but who is to say what may happen tomorrow, or in the next moment. In the past I had settled for less, and both of us had suffered. It was unfair and childish of me, needy even. Shouldn’t we have expectations… even of the most base thing… ie.. shared values etc… As a staunch non-smoker, why shouldn’t I choose to expect that the man I am with would be a non smoker.. if things changed during the course of our relationships, well that’s life and we discuss and deal with it. But back to love, what do we want from it? What do I want?

To love equally… to exchange in equal measure, to value and be valued, to be held and to hold. To love unconditionally and be loved the same. To be friends, to be lovers, to be there for each other, to be companions sharing life- I reclaim this word from those that see it as an insult, as a descriptor of a partnership in which love has since long gone.

ii-

My love is my other. Though I am complete, my other is the part of me that I never realized was missing till we met. My other and I compliment each other. I can’t help but smile when I see my other, for his presence lights me up. There is no expectation that my other would be with me for the rest of my lifetime, it would be lovely, but unrealistic, so I make the most of the time we do have together. I put the need of my other before my own needs, not because it is expected, but because I want to and I do so without a thought. This is love. To give without expectation. To be open and honest, to be free of fear, my other and I do not reject, we embrace, respect and support each other. We accept the person, but not necessarily all behavior, we can distinguish between the two and we create a dialogue. My other and I live a shared life as well as our own lives. We are individuals, whilst being a couple.   My other and I are love. Together we create it. Not in a spectacular ‘big bang’, origin of the universe kind of way, but in our own way, privately.

iii-

Perhaps these are high standards, high ideals for another to live up to. But I have been blessed before and believe I will one day be blessed again. Perhaps I am blessed now, but am unaware. Perhaps he is here already, temporarily in another guise, that of friend, acquaintance or neighbor? Perhaps instead of pondering, daydreaming of what might be, typing my thoughts up, locked away inside, I should get out into the day. In the midst of winter’s chillness, of days painted grey and trees stripped bare, today we are delivered a perfect sunny midwinter’s day. It is life affirming. The sun shines warmly, the sky is clear and blue. It buzzes with joy and possibility. Birds chirp and fly about embracing this warm gift. Perhaps instead of pondering I should get out and experience life, let the sun’s warmth fall over me as I engage with everything and everyone. Perhaps I need to get out into the world and make myself available for what ever might be.

And so I shall.


Click here to be taken to "thoughts on love pt 1 (August 2010)"