The nuttiness that is

Recently I have realized that sometimes I am just a touch crazy…  I will email or say things just because I can.. I think they are funny (at the time), and will  have no care for social convention.

For example, sometimes I will email a friend for no reason, except I want to share a thought with them there and then.

Such as:

“Hey.. sometimes I wonder how can it be,  that I am sooooo cool

And then it hits me...

I just am...

And there is a wonderful humbleness in acceptance.

So that makes me super humble as well !!!! ”

and this one:

“Dear Nutter, 

Please deliver 250gms of roasted almonds to my address by Christmas 2035.

If possible, I would also like 13 cartons of curdled milk to be delivered to 

my friend (Name with held to protect the innorcent)'s address before 2.30pm 

Wednesday the 3rd of November 2010. Please ensure that this curdled milk has 

been re-gifted, and has a note attached that has been written on a piece of felt.
 

Lots of Christmas holly and shomozzles (just because I love spring)

Matthew.”

and finally this one:

“101 reasons why I am great

 
1- I never trip over my shoelaces when I am walking

2- I am right handed

3- I can say a few words backwards

4- When I do say words backwards strange things happen 

     (well.. not entirely  true. but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did !)

5- My initials backwards are S. L. M.- not that it is of any real significance, 

     though in 50 years time, it may well be!

6- I know how to use a metcard on the trams (but I haven't used a Myki card yet). 

7- I can mix a gin and tonic, and add lemon - in need

    (but might prefer a martini). 

8- I can hold my breath for about 65 seconds 

    (nah, just timed myself..its only 25 seconds)

9- I can walk a flat walking track for a good 30 mins without resting 

    (but I will complain, whinge and moan after about 15-19 mins)

10- I can get away with wearing green.

11- I sweat (a lot in summer)

12- 
 

Did you want to add to this growing list?????”

Surprisingly my friends still talk to me, and have not (yet) blocked me from their email.. 

but then again.. Doesn’t everyone love randomly receiving wacky emails??? 

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue- Oct 2010

Something Old:

This selection is inspired by a friend going to an event that Daryl Hall was appearing at:
Sadly, my mate didn't rock up as John Oates and insist on an impromptu duet.
I did suggest that If they preformed 'Private eye's' I could to do back up hand claps..
'My private eyes.. 'clap'
Been watching you 'clap clap''    ---See i have been practicing !!!
 

Two rocking 80’s tunes from Hall and Oates:

‘I can't go for that (no can do)’:

Click here to watch: I can't go for that (No can do)

and ‘Private Eyes’:  (get those hands ready to clap!!!!)

 Click here to watch: Private eye's

Something new:

Two new and different tunes for you..

just for fun and because it is shot in New York: 

Chiddy bang: 'truth'

Click here to watch: Truth

 and for something more lovely and with great lyrics:

Joanna Newsom- ‘jackrabbits’ (live on jools Holland)

Click here to watch: Jackrabbits

I was tired o' being drunk
My face cracked like a joke
So I swung through here like a brace of jackrabbits
With their necks all broke

I stumbled at the door with my boot
And I knocked against the jamb
And I scrabbled at your chest like a mute
With my fists of ham

Trying to tell you that I am
Telling you I can
I can love you again
Love you again...

...And the verse I read in jest
And Matthew spoke to me
Said, there's a flame that moves like a low-down pest
That says, "you will be free"

Only tell me that I can
Tell me that I can
I can love you again
Love you again

something borrowed:

Two cover versions!!!

Firstly, Josh Pyke, covering the Church’s ‘under the milky way’ (Live on Triple J’s Like a Version)

Click here to watch: Under the Milky way tonight

Who doesn’t wistfully sing along to the lines:

‘wish I knew what you were looking for,

might have known what you would find’

and while We are being wistful, The Beach boys- ‘god only knows’  done by Ben Kweller

Click here to watch: God only Knows

(Sorry there is no clip as such)

Feel free  to sing along to one of the most beautiful songs in the world: 

“I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you “
(Written by : Wilson & Asher)

something blue:

Otis Redding off the ‘Otis Blue LP:

‘try a little tenderness’ LIVE !!!  Say no more!!!

Click here to watch: Otis !!!

Hearts & Bones and a dream of nightingales

I keep thinking about the song Paul Simon wrote about Carrie Fisher called ‘Hearts and Bones’. This song has always resonated with me, in particular lines in it such as:

"And tell me why
Why won't you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:
'cause that's not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby"

I am reminded of my singleness.

Recently a date told me that I am ‘odd’ and he wouldn’t explain what he meant. I sit home alone and ponder that ( yes… I know, I think too much), and though I have my good days, today isn’t one of them. Though I have a lot of uni work to keep me busy, today it doesn’t, my thoughts keep me busy instead. Why am I almost forty and still single? Today I am sad. I am lonely. I know I am not alone in feeling this. I also recognize that I have had many men interested in me over the years, but I did not share their interest. I guess the truth of the matter is that I have yet to meet a man who will love me for who I am, as I would love him the same. Most of my friends are married or attached and don’t seem to recall what it was like living life alone. I know, well.. to be honest, I hope!, that it is only a matter of time before things change for me. God, the universe… who ever you are, what ever you call yourself... if you are out there…I hope you are listening. And somehow give me the strength and the patience to wait it out, as well as the faith that things will change.

As I re-read this and rewrite parts, I receive a phone call from a friend I haven’t heard from in some time. He tells me that he was rushed to hospital four months ago for emergency surgery to remove a tumor the size of a brick. He tells me about the four major operations he had done, his months in intensive care, how his family were called in several times as the doctors thought that he was going to die, and then he tells me of the lasting damage that has been done to his body. This week he goes in for radiation treatment , which will consist of him sitting in a lead lined room alone for two days. His voice quavers, he is not sure if he will cope, or even survive all of this. He is close to tears, I can hear it. I suddenly feel selfish. My own concerns suddenly seem so small and insignificant.

I walk around the house in a daze and decide to draw a bath. Water always calms and centers me, plus I need a wash. I mindlessly grab something to read in the bath…I come away with a book of Gay love poems given to me by a dear friend, one time boyfriend, well...truth be told, we tried once more after that, and our suspicions were confirmed- we were best suited as friends… Before he died, he gave me this collection of poems. He wrote something personal inside the cover. He was a beautiful man and good friend. When he died I stretched alongside his grave and cried until I couldn’t cry any more.

Now I climb into the bath and hold the collection of poems in my hand (‘In the name of Love’). I think of my friend who gave this to me and who has been dead for about four years now. I think of my friend who called tonight and is going through hell. Everyone suffers. I am ok. I go straight to my favorite poem in the collection and read.

David Bergman- ‘A dream of nightingales’ (In memory of Jerry Thompson).

The Friday before your funeral I taught

Keats to my sophomore class. Little did they care

for the truth of beauty of the grace of truth,

but his being “half in love with easeful death”

penetrated through the smugness of their youth,

and I thought of you drawing me to the rear

window one early spring to hear in rapture

a bird hidden among the flowering pear.

You held your cat tight so that he could not scare

off such music as hadn’t been heard all winter.

When you flew South to escape the arctic blast

and home again heard that dark-winged creature

    sing,

tell me, did he then revel himself at last

as you believed he’d be - pure and beckoning?

© (1988) -  David Bergman    

No copyright infringement is intended in the reproduction of this poem.

The good the bad and the ugly: October 2010

The Good:

Recently during my lunch break I stumbled across a second hand Lp store and picked up 3 very very cool Lp’s for about $38

The soundtrack to Breakfast at Tiffany’s.. ahh!!!... Henry Mancini, Moon River, Audrey Hepburn, a young and dashing George Peppard… Say no more!!

Ella Fitzgerald singing Gershwin.. two legends on one LP= Brilliant!

Bud Powell, collection of works from 1949-51, double LP… melodic be-bop genius!!! 

The bad:

A while back I had a massage and when the masseuse asked how hard do I like it, I flippantly said something  stupid like "as hard as you can go”. She was so rough that I was almost crying like a little baby, gritting my teeth to stop the tears and telling myself ‘go to your safe space, go to your safe space’. My bloody stupid ego wouldn’t let me say ‘stop!, please be gentle’… very recently I did go back and I tried to get someone else to massage me, but this place has some ridiculous policy where you have to see the same person, no if’s or but’s.. and stupidly I saw her again… This time it was different, don’t get me wrong, she didn’t let up on the pain, nor did I stand up to my massive ego, and beg the masseuse for mercy... no, the difference was that this time she was massaging me barefoot and she had really, really stinky feet.. Yeah.. and I still didn’t say anything… at least the pain distracted me from the stench..

The ugly:

Having mentioned my ego..it is only fitting that I tell you about how I sweltered all day because of it. Today was one of those beautiful warm spring days where people walked down the street in shorts, t-shirts, polo tops, light dresses, etc.. I didn’t realize it was going to be so warm and wore a shirt and jumper to work and sweated all day as a result (our air-con is just about non-existent)… ‘why didn’t you just take the jumper off?’, I hear you ask… well because the shirt is too small for me and my growing tummy is trying to burst through… not a great look…I did consider buying a polo-top at lunch time.. but felt it only fitting I suffer for all of my recent over eating… 

Avert your gaze now if you are about to eat, or just ate.

The conversations of youth

It is lunch time, I escape the office and sit in a cafe for a change of scenery. Two young girls sit nearby and philosophise on the meaning of ‘indie’- When does ‘indie’ become mainstream.. and how great it is that more people are aware of certain ‘indie’ things, but there is now the threat that the object of discussion (which I never quite understood) is becoming ‘mainstream’ .  Heaven Forbid!!!

I smile, that was me twenty years ago...my god!!  has it been that long? Back then I would ponder on life and relationships, but my dreams of relationships were bound by themes of love and freedom... now I dream of love and commitment, of home, family, stability and ‘forever’.

Stability.... yes... I want security in my life... I want to know that my partner will be there when I get home- today, tomorrow and in the years ahead.... I am no longer that wild youthful man, throwing all to the wind, spitting in the eye of convention and not caring if I lost it all... for I have worked too hard for what meagre things I have and am too tired to do it all again...I dream of stability, of my man and I- arms around each other, I dream of us watching old films on the couch- one of us usually falls asleep... Lazy Sunday mornings in bed, kids running in and jumping on the bed to wake us up... teasingly discussing who’s turn it is to get the kid’s breakfast and to take them to the park... but of course we all go together- we always do.

My dreams have changed, from being of me, to being of ‘us’ and family. It’s no longer about ‘I’ and of challenging and changing the world, but about being content as ‘us’, of being in a loving relationship, during ‘normal’ things and supporting each other through life. How things have changed in twenty years.... I have no idea what I may dream of in another twenty.. hopefully I won't be dreaming of being in a relationship (for I will be in one by then)... perhaps I will dream of the day the kids move out of home and ponder on how much we can help them financially, especially when they purchase their own property.

How neuroticism saved my life

Some may see that having neurotic tendencies may be a hindrance to life, rather than a help. There have been many times in my life where I would agree that having slightly neurotic tendencies has been a hindrance. I am fortunate that I often identify what is going on in my head, acknowledge it and let it go. Recently I was on a date and as is the case most times I eat, food became stuck in my teeth… so on the way out of the restaurant I obtained a toothpick from the establishment and sorted myself out. On the way back to my car with date in tow.. I searched for but could not find any rubbish bins about...so I kept carrying round this tooth pick in my hand and thinking about what the date would make of this.. before I know it, we are in my car and heading off to have coffee at a café in another area…now, as I don’t have a rubbish bin, nor ashtray in my car.. I pop the tooth pick in my mouth and drive about like some country hillbilly.  On the way to the café my date and I are doing the ‘getting to know you’ chat, I have a tooth pick jutting out of my mouth, am also concentrating on the road and looking out for an appropriate café AND THEN my neuroticism decides that it is feeling left out and wants to have a conversation with me as well.. suddenly I am thinking about how IF at this point in time we are in a serious car accident,  the toothpick in my mouth will likely pierce my cheek or the back of my throat.. and this will not only be painful but an embarrassing site for my date to see… yeah.. crazy .. don’t I know it.. I live with these thoughts all of the time…

So.. about neuroticism saving my life… There have been times in the past when I have felt really low and wondered what the point was in living. Now, I must point out that fortunately I have not felt like this for some time .. but, there have been times when I have thought about how best to end the misery that is life and each time when I was at the point of making a critical decision …do I hurl myself off this bridge into the rocks below, do I swerve my car under the semi-trailer that is alongside me etc.. my dear and loving friend neuroticism pops its head up and starts a conversation with me… suddenly I am thinking about how, knowing my luck, I will probably survive the event.. I see the mangled car and me in it being ok/or me laying by the rocks ok and needing help to get back up to the bridge, and embarrassingly surround be onlookers… I see myself living a hundred years, but now with some form of permanent pain or injury due to the event, the thoughts then snowball even further from there and obviously… here I am! Alive, well and loving life. My recent date experience gave me cause to reflect and think about how sometimes something that we see as being a nuisance or a pain, can at times also be a help and a benefit to us. So, thank you neuroticism, my dear friend, and while it is highly likely that you might have been both the cause of many of my problems as well as the saviour.. lets not point fingers and lay blame...at least for today.  

**for those that might feel they want some help with depression,or if reading this has triggered something, a good starting point might be Beyond Blue (in Australia):

http://beyondblue.org.au

or you can call them on 1300 22 4636

Time to be happy?

I think of all the things I am doing and where I am at.

Am I happy? Well…. I know I am not unhappy.

I am busy, stressed a little with all my uni work, which will all be over in a matter of weeks... but the question comes back to- am I happy?

I think that I am too busy to be happy.

I don’t have time to appreciate what I have, where I am at, or how far I have come this past year, past few months and past few weeks even!

Even now I find myself wondering if it is that I don’t have time to be happy, or that I don’t allow myself time?

I have come so far from where I was, that I should be reveling in contentment, accomplishment, in a sense of satisfaction, well being and well.. just bloody well feeling good!

My current state of over commitment with work and uni has left me feeling distracted, uptight and stressed. To what end?

What is the point of success and achievement if they can not be appreciated and enjoyed?

What is the point in making time to do things if we are not going to make time to be happy and enjoy what we have achieved and done?

For all I know my last breath could be tomorrow. How disappointing the thought is, if in these final moments I spend reflecting on and regretting the happiness I did not allow myself to experience, all because I was too busy doing other things.

Its official !

This week a few new Cd’s arrived at my door:

which made it all official:

I am a rainbow flag wavier! 

Even the Australia Post-man knows…

On a serious note, I have been singing along to these cd’s and feeling my indie cred of yesteryear slip further away..

So in a desperate attempt to be cool again I took a photo of some obscure indie-eclectronic cd’s I just brought, and for some extra cred- they were limited to a small production run as well…but the problem is that these cd’s are so obscure that the camera just can’t make any sense of them:

Geez.. old age makes one terribly desperate.. 

The houses I see on my way to work

In between where I exit the tram and where I enter my workplace, I walk past some lovely and interesting houses in the back streets of Fitzroy. Here are some shots of some of those houses.

Porn, acquaintances and awkwardness

I am a man and am not ashamed to say that I have watched porn. Well.. ok, not ashamed to say this to anyone that isn’t my; mum, dad, a family member, anyone over sixty years of age, nun, priest, neighbor or current and/or potential employer. I am also a person who has been described on occasion as being ‘careful’ with money. So it should come as no surprise that I would not want to pay to watch porn. I am not buying, renting or paying –per-view.  This means that the porn I have seen is free, online and usually dodgy. Dodgy because it is either someone video recording porn playing on a television set and then posting it online, or dodgy because it is homemade and just bad. Why would I bother?.. err….hello.. it is free! So, here is where the awkwardness comes in. Recently I was browsing through some free online homemade porn ( how often do you get to say that phrase?), randomly came across a clip and quickly realized that the guy in the clip was an acquaintance. At this point in time that voice that speaks to you inside your head..you know the one,  some call it reason, others call it sense.. well what ever it is called,  it screamed out to me - ‘OMG!!!!  STOP WATCHING THIS!’ But I was in a state of shock, as if I was at an accident scene, frozen and couldn’t look away from what was happening.. and then for a moment I unfroze, just long enough to do something really, really, really dumb…. I don’t know why I did it.. but I did…. I fast forwarded the clip.. because…. I was curious, I wanted to know what his facial expression looked like…. when… well you know when!!! Wrong on so many levels.

This guy is an acquaintance I kind of worked with a long time back and see socially a few times a year. The problem is that I now can’t get his ‘happy face’ out of my memory, It is like god has punished me, and punished me hard… this is for watching bad free porn you cheapskate- BOOM!!!! 

I have to ask, why would anyone post their ‘happy face' online??, which by the way looks like anything but a happy face (as we all know from experience.. and let me share with you I once thought my partner (at the time), was having a heart attack/stroke and dying, he looked like he was in such pain, his face was all twisted, he couldn’t speak, he was kind of stuttering or stuck on a vowel- ‘guh guh guh guh guh!!’. I had a freaking panic attack thinking OMG, OMG!!!  I need to call an ambulance!!! Since that day I have usually reminded my partner to warn me when his ‘happy face’ is about to appear so that I can avert my gaze).  So yeah.. getting back to my point, why would anyone post their ‘happy face’ on the internet and most importantly- why oh why dear sweet Jesus, did I hit the fast forward button???

The truth

The truth is the key that sets us free.

The truth is that I have been obsessed with a man who has not returned my feelings.

The word obsessed has been bandied about a few times by friends and I have even acknowledged it on occasion. I guess for me… it all starts to unravel now…after a recent healing, my thoughts and feelings started to shift. I was at work and a selection of Sondheim tunes played on the radio.  As soon as “losing my mind’ rang out.. I knew- this was me- ‘The sun comes up, I think about you... I talk to friends and think about you, and do they know Its like I’m losing my mind… spend sleepless nights to think about you ..’  etc. Losing my mind(and if Sondheim isn’t wonderfully gay enough for you, then add a touch of Liza Minnelli and the Pet Shop boys !!!Losing my mind - Liza and the Pet Shop Boys )

I really was losing my mind, anxious, stressed and a mess. I am not ashamed to say this or share it.

The truth is that I clung to my obsession because that’s all I had. That was all that was between me and my loneliness.

The truth is now I know that I need to be brave and sit with these feelings, regardless of how difficult it is, for this is the way forward. I have started to do so and will remain doing so, this struggle, this journey, it is ‘life’ and I remind myself that out of the ashes rises the phoenix.

The ‘truth’ is the key that sets us free, the prison that keeps us, the weapon that wounds, that savior that heals and delivers salvation. The truth is all things to all people. I have hid from my truth for so long, that I no longer realized I was hiding. My truths are many and varied. The ones I hide from are the ones I now realize that I need to confront.

The truth is that we see ourselves differently to how we are seen.

The truth is that I didn’t value myself highly or see anything of worth in me that others could value or like. The truth is that I didn’t date out of love, but often because I was liked.. yes ! someone actually liked me!!! I was grateful ( I can see this now, though I was blind at the time). The truth is that I thought that if I cared for someone, liked them, thought they were cute, and there was some sexual attraction, then this was enough.. but it isn’t.

The truth is that I sort solace with those that I deemed to be ‘safe’. These nice people that wouldn’t hurt or reject me, these people that for what ever reason, were also grateful for my interest.  

Why am I sharing this?

Because we are not alone…though at times we feel alone. We all have feelings of anxiety, self doubt, loneliness, depression etc… and I want to send this out there to who ever needs to hear it. Who ever you are, I want to tell you that you are beautiful, just as you are. I want to hug us and tell us that we are all beautiful just as we are. I want to whisper to myself, that I am beautiful just as I am.  For it is all true.

When things seem like they won’t get any better, when we are at our lowest and darkest, remember the phoenix, remember that out of the darkness, out of the ashes, we will rise, reborn and splendid.

The truth is that we all have a different path to travel and a different way of negotiating that path. For myself- The truth is that the pain doesn’t end here.. I don’t know where it does end.. I know that whilst it hurts right now.. my being open, honest and accepting lessens the pain..slowly. Last night I arrived home from work and for the first time in a long time, didn’t feel obsessed, instead I just felt really lonely. Today the loneliness is lessened, tomorrow I hope it will be lessened again and so on each day forward.

The truth is that in the end we will all be alright.

The truth is that faith and hope are wonderful things.

The local shop

I have recently had a couple of healings to assist me with some anxiety I was feeling, and am now feeling so much better. Yeah, it is funny that as a counseling student, I myself usually go to an alternate therapist for treatment …I always think of it as a case of ‘what ever works’.

Anyway, as I left the place of healing today, pondering my new found sense of self and the relevance in my new life of a crush I have held for a few months now, a nearby store grabbed my attention.

The local Shop, is in High St Northcote and is a very cool store with lots of small, lovely and expensive items. Their window has some 2011 calendars on display. One in particular is a 1950’s retro look at New York, yes..the relevance of this was not lost on me.. and because of the said, New York Calendars, I decided not to go in… but I had this feeling that there was something for me inside and the feeling wouldn't go away…so I entered. After aimlessly browsing for a while.. I decided to leave and wondered why I was drawn inside…just as I was about to exit the shop… something on the wall grabbed my attention and just about smacked me over the head… I immediately started to beam… ah.. yes!

“When the heart is open

You will change

Just like a flower slowly opening” - Van Morrison.

ahhh.......It is times like these that I can't help but think- when the time is right the universe gives us what we need.

Happy talk

I recently purchased a small cache of musical soundtracks. Yeah.. the things you  do when you are interested in someone…

As a lover of music, it is also an opportunity for me to explore an area I am not that familiar with. Anyway.. so far only one soundtrack out of five has arrived- ‘South Pacific’.  It is fun, romantic, sentimental and I realize how many of the tunes I am already familiar with. Geez.. is this some Gay genetic memory????

Are show tunes, Barbara Streisand songs and a brilliant sense of style all passed on through the supposed  ‘gay gene’ ? I have no idea, perhaps the answer is simply that these shows were really popular and part of mainstream culture for so long, that as a child growing up… I heard them many a time…  How many times as a young gay boy did I sing ‘I’m gonna wash that man out of my hair’ whist simulating washing my hair and doing a little dance?  errr… a few times!

South Pacific plays in the other room as I type up these thoughts and the tune ‘happy talk’ rings out across the house.. the lyrics resonate and make me smile:

“You got to have a dream,
If you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?”