Porn, acquaintances and awkwardness

I am a man and am not ashamed to say that I have watched porn. Well.. ok, not ashamed to say this to anyone that isn’t my; mum, dad, a family member, anyone over sixty years of age, nun, priest, neighbor or current and/or potential employer. I am also a person who has been described on occasion as being ‘careful’ with money. So it should come as no surprise that I would not want to pay to watch porn. I am not buying, renting or paying –per-view.  This means that the porn I have seen is free, online and usually dodgy. Dodgy because it is either someone video recording porn playing on a television set and then posting it online, or dodgy because it is homemade and just bad. Why would I bother?.. err….hello.. it is free! So, here is where the awkwardness comes in. Recently I was browsing through some free online homemade porn ( how often do you get to say that phrase?), randomly came across a clip and quickly realized that the guy in the clip was an acquaintance. At this point in time that voice that speaks to you inside your head..you know the one,  some call it reason, others call it sense.. well what ever it is called,  it screamed out to me - ‘OMG!!!!  STOP WATCHING THIS!’ But I was in a state of shock, as if I was at an accident scene, frozen and couldn’t look away from what was happening.. and then for a moment I unfroze, just long enough to do something really, really, really dumb…. I don’t know why I did it.. but I did…. I fast forwarded the clip.. because…. I was curious, I wanted to know what his facial expression looked like…. when… well you know when!!! Wrong on so many levels.

This guy is an acquaintance I kind of worked with a long time back and see socially a few times a year. The problem is that I now can’t get his ‘happy face’ out of my memory, It is like god has punished me, and punished me hard… this is for watching bad free porn you cheapskate- BOOM!!!! 

I have to ask, why would anyone post their ‘happy face' online??, which by the way looks like anything but a happy face (as we all know from experience.. and let me share with you I once thought my partner (at the time), was having a heart attack/stroke and dying, he looked like he was in such pain, his face was all twisted, he couldn’t speak, he was kind of stuttering or stuck on a vowel- ‘guh guh guh guh guh!!’. I had a freaking panic attack thinking OMG, OMG!!!  I need to call an ambulance!!! Since that day I have usually reminded my partner to warn me when his ‘happy face’ is about to appear so that I can avert my gaze).  So yeah.. getting back to my point, why would anyone post their ‘happy face’ on the internet and most importantly- why oh why dear sweet Jesus, did I hit the fast forward button???