Home

Lately I have had a feeling of detachment from my home. It is hard to describe. While I love my space and my house… and others comment on the warm feel to the living areas… since I have returned from my overseas trip, I feel less anchored where I live. I feel less like my home is there. It is odd, because after many years of renting and constant moving, I yearned for a place to call my own, a home, where there was stability. A place where I knew I would be for as long as I choose to remain. I have lived in my home for about 9 years now… yes only 21 years left on the mortgage !!! But, now I have this strange sensation that my home is, well, becoming more my house. While my heart is still there and fills the space, I am ready for a space in which another heart resides and together we make the space a home for the both of us. It could be in my current house, or elsewhere… and as for when…well I am single..so who knows.. Currently I am just recognising how I feel. I guess it makes sense given that for so long I was closed to love, my heart was protecting itself, but now that I am ready to love and trust again I am recognising what this means. I know there are many single people who feel that their single space is their home, and that is fine, but for myself, I am feeling it less so each day. I am feeling ready to move. I have no idea where to, or what that means, but I feel ok about it.

Respectful communication

On the first day of my new job, I met a woman, who after pointing out the numerous similarities between us, not only stated that I was the female version of herself, but that I was now officially her new best friend. She is very, very funny and I can see the similarities between in us. She says what is on her mind, and not only is funny (as already mentioned ), but is also very intelligent. I did notice something else that was very interesting. When I am around her, I am both a little excited and anxious, because I have no idea what she will say next - will it be something funny, something confronting, both? or something utterly ‘normal’.

I suddenly had a realization- this is what it is like for people to be around me! The excitement part is great!!! but not the anxious bit… It made me start to think about how I often say what I am thinking without censoring it and how that might affect my friends. I guess I have used the disclaimer.. ‘I am being honest’, but am I being honest, or being uncaring and unthoughtful when I spurt things out? By pushing my own agenda (saying what I want to, rather than being mindful of how that might feel for the other person) I am making the communication about myself, and not about ‘us’. In essence I am being selfish by meeting my needs and ignoring the other persons needs to be dealt with in a dignified and respectful manner. 

I don’t know where I have gone wrong… I was always a challenging person to be around and had thought that I had improved so much. At work I do this well- I deal with people in a respectful manner, but in private- with my friends, that’s where I fall down. Honesty needs to take place in a way which respects us both. Hopefully this realisation will see me making some changes with the way I talk to those I value. If not, I hope my friends read this and feel comfortable to point out when I am not being as respectful as I could be.   

 

old songs - 'A Simple Fact'

Another old song of mine – ‘A Simple Fact’

(Verse)

This barrier around my heart, is there to keep pain out

instead, it’s kept it in

Loneliness has made it brittle, If you push enough it will give

If you can be bothered, If you think I’m worth the effort

(Chorus)

And I can see why you’d want to stay

and why you’d want to leave

I can see why you’d want to be with me

and why you’d rather not,

sometimes I feel the same

(Verse)

Too much youthful insolence, has made me difficult

set me apart, alone

Stubborn proud and arrogant I don’t need anyone

well, I am wrong

(Chorus)

 And at the risk of sounding Clichéd

I’ve always wanted you, I’ve just never said it

Cause I know I don’t deserve you

That you deserve more,

It’s a simple fact.

Copyright Matthew Schiavello 2010

Unisex toilets

I am excited to report that not only have I obtained new employment, but more importantly my new employer has unisex toilets!!!!  This is one step closer to the heaven that is- female toilets.

I am a self confessed toilet connoisseur and also admittedly have phobias about public toilets.. i.e. I am one of those people who will hold in my bowl movement all day, because I can only poo at home. Yes you heard me, I am more comfortable walking about all day in discomfort,  then i would be in using a toilet that wasn’t my own... and don’t even speak to me about using a urinal to pee... that I cannot do!!! I need the safety and security of the cubicle and once I am safely in the cubicle I find it hard to pee if others are about and can hear what is going on... recently this meant that I flushed a toilet, washed my hands and left the toilet without actually going!!!, all because someone was in the next cubicle and it was all too quiet. I was anxious at what they might have thought at the sound of me peeing loudly in a cubicle ???? No need to tell me its insane behaviour, believe me, i know.. after all I live with it. 

Back to toilets...... Men’s toilets are usually disgusting... at Uni the closer to the ground floor the toilets are, then I have found that the worse the toilets generally smell.. Mostly the word that springs to mind when I enter the male toilets is ‘RANK’.  I have no idea why this is the case.. in fact at uni I snapped this picture of a sign instructing Men how to use the toilets appropriately... I think they should have included something about not peeing on the seats or the on floor in the cubicle stalls.

In my endeavours to find a decent toilet at Uni, I have visited many other floors and recently thought I hit the jackpot..... I walked into the toilet, which not only smelt lovely, had a shower, no urinals, only cubicles... and had lovely painted coloured walls and mellow lighting!!! It was as if I had died and gone to heaven!!! Then as I walked into the cubicle,  the sanitary napkin waste bin brought my heavenly haze all undone... I had walked into the female toilets.. alas, If it is too good to be true,  then chances are it is... as was the case here.. unsurprising, as I then entered the correct and rank male toilets, I was greeted with urine splashed over the toilet seat.. YAY !!! 

Whilst I would love to be able to use the female toilets when ever and where ever I wanted to, obviously social norms don’t allow me this and relegate me to the rankness of male toilets...however, at my new work place  I have found a lovely compromise... The unisex toilet!!! And for the moment all is well in my world!!!  Now I just need to work on those other issues....

old songs – ‘This distance between’

Another old song of mine

"This distance between"

(Verse)

Been so long since I last saw you

I’ve almost forgotten the little things

(Chorus)

 You raising your eyes to me,

your sweet smile

(Verse)

Been so long since I last loved you

That’s if you don’t count my dreams

(Chorus)

Cause then it would be

as if you weren’t gone

(Verse)

Been so long since you last held me

Been so long since I felt you

(Chorus)

Been so long since there was more

then a memory to cling to

Copyright Matthew Schiavello 2010

Old Songs- one fine day

As i have been cleaning up.. i came across some songs i had written a while back...


"One fine Day"

(Verse) One fine day, I'll make you mine
I'll take you to the river and drown you
Just like my heart, a current so strong
Will wash you away

(Chorus) And when they come, to find you
the ribbon that held you hair, will be all that's left

(Verse) And I'll cry (crocodile tears) and act morose
and ask to lead the search for you
With torches, we'll trample the night
and I alone will find, your suicide note

(Chorus) It's perfumed Sweetness, I'll bring to my lips
and do to it, what I could never do to you

(Solo)

(Verse) and the love, you  took from me
I now, reclaim



Copyright Matthew Schiavello 2010

The TV generations.

Romantic comedies have quick fixes and neat happy endings. If it is a TV serial then it is all done within 30 mins of screen time (well.. minus the advertisements). Do you know what is being modeled for us? Attitudes of now!- instant gratification, shallowness and selfishness. I look to my own Favorite T.V. shows; Seinfeld, Curb your enthusiasm and The I.T. crowd. All have dysfunctional relationships. They all have selfish characters that we laugh at and love.. but should we be encouraging them? In Seinfeld the relationships are all transient, and they all find much fault in the person they are dating and subsequently dump them because of it… These are my models, this is where I learn what is right..I ask myself what do I know of love and successful relationships? I have some fantasy that my partner will facilitate me in becoming a better partner, but am I delusional and/ or placing too much on their shoulders? Do I need to come to the partnership ‘table’ ready to go? I think I am ready, but I am often wrong. I do know that I have learnt, and am currently learning and I know that learning is a continual process, but do I know enough? Will I meet the right man, the perfect man for me and then lose him due to my own stupidity? I guess I am asking, do you learn these things about what makes a good relationship, only whilst in a relationship? do you become better through your experiences?, through making mistakes along the way and should we fear these mistakes will lose us our loved one?  I know that I am more discerning now than I have ever been and where I would once settle for a cute man that might have been; controlling, overbearing, selfish and/or not really commitment to me 100% , now I will not ‘settle’. Now I know what I want, I look for a cute man with a beautiful heart and soul that I connect with and I will not settle for less, why should I?.. Perhaps this is why I am still single?, perhaps…but I do know in the pit of me that I will not remain this way for ever and experience has taught me one thing -it is wrong to settle.

The question arises who am I to judge what constitutes a beautiful heart and soul and who has one?

I am no one but I, and the I that I am, may one day be seen has having a beautiful heart and soul and may be similarly wanted in return. 

Judging

We look at people and see an aspect, sometimes simply a façade.. and we judge them on this, we sum them up. It’s easy, it’s automatic and quick- “Ah.., so your that type of a person!!’. Rarely do we take the time to truly get to know someone, to allow their facets to naturally unfold and be shown. Rarely do we create a safe space for them to do this in, nor do we allow ourselves the privilege of witnessing this, the privilege of seeing the beauty of another’s true self.

I can’t help but think of a flower bud, of how we view this small aspect of the flower as potential and we wait patiently for it to fully bloom, all the while marveling in the majestic process.

Being brave….

I have been brave and vocalised my feelings, laid myself out, 

open, 

exposed. 

I am braced for the worst, but this is what it is all about..isn’t it? Taking chances, taking a chance on something worthwhile.. and he is more than just worthwhile… 

I feel strangely calm. I know I can do no more. I have done my best, perhaps not done things in the best possible way, but when it comes to matters of the heart.. well..when it comes to anything, we can only do the best we can at the time. Sure, after the event we suddenly see different and better ways of doing things…but now the next step is up to him. I have made explicit my feelings and wishes that we can get to know one and other better.. and now I wait.. As hard as it might become, I will wait, for he is worth it.. more than worth it.

new records!!!

As a treat for myself or obtaining work.. i brought some new records.. While some are up to $45 each locally, i brought all 7 for about $150 including postage here from the US!!!.. so that pretty good.

1- I will start off with a favorite of mine, recently remastered and put out on 180 gm double vinyl.:

The Cure- 'Disintergration'...this L.P. soundtracked my late teen and young adulthood years... such a masterpiece of melancholy..
Lyrics like- '"I think it's dark and it looks like rain" you said, "and the wind is blowing like it's the end of the world" you said, "and it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead" and then you smiled for a second'.. ahhh lovely... excuse me, while i mope about on my own for a bit.....

2- The National - 'High Violet'.. I loved the single 'Bloodbuzz Ohio' so much i thought i would try the LP

3- Neko Case- 'Middle cyclone'.. god I love this Lp..I have listened to it so much on Cd and keep coming back to it, i just had to include it to my vinyl collection... Lyrics like -'CAUSE... I MISS, HOW YOU'D SIGH YOURSELF TO SLEEP, WHEN I'D RAKE THE SPRINGTIME ACROSS YOUR SHEETS' .. and it has a very cool cover!!!

4 & 5- The Black Keys - "Brothers" and "Chulahoma: the songs of Junior Kimbrough" . I am really liking quite a few of the tracks off the 'Brothers' LP, such as 'Everlasting light', 'Tighten up' and 'Too afraid to love you',.. and "Chulahoma.." well it has the very beautiful 'meet me in the city'..I am beyond liking it, in fact I am LOVING it!

6 & 7- Portishead- 'Portishead' and 'Third'. I loved the first Portishead LP 'Dummy' and if you could have worn a cd out.. i would have... I really haven't started to give their 2nd and 3rd Lp's a proper listen until recently..so I have taken an opportunity of a vinyl sale to give them the chance they deserve...

11 reasons not to date me

1- I am too honest at times, which leads to… 

2- I have yet to fully develop the art of tactfulness, which leads to..

3- I speak too often with out thinking.

4- When I am impassioned about something, I am really impassioned, which leads to…

5- sometimes I go on, and on, and on and on about a topic, which leads to….

6- Though I deal really well with big issues, it’s the small things that bog me down

7- I listen to music a lot.. and often really loud, and because i think its great music, everyone else must think so..and if for some unholy reason they don't, well then..they need listen to it until they 'get it'..which kind of leads to….

8- I am almost tone deaf..but love to sing when I am alone, or in the car..and one day I might become so comfortable with you that I don’t care that you are there and I will sing my heart out….which isn’t necessarily a good thing for you..which leads to

9-My long term health ailments (all minor or non existent except to me), my bad morning breath and delicate bowels (hopefully not related.. i did speak to my Dr about it, but he waved me away and rolled his eyes..i should check to see if he actually did finish Medical School...sometimes i wonder....), anyway these aliments all exist amongst many other physical unpleasantries.. which all ultimately leads to….

10- I am less than perfect... I will use a cliche and say that I am work in progress. but that makes me sound like Michelangelo's new David.. which is far from true.. unless David also has love handles...

11- Last but not least…. I am too honest at times.. ok almost all the time!!!.. have i said that already???.. err .. I am a terrible speller.. and don't even get me started on my appalling use of grammar ;-)


So there you go...
11 very good reasons not to date me  :-)

Berlin - pics from 2010 holiday

This first one is of the very cool S-Bahn station 'Alexanderplatz', which My friend Mary and I stayed across the road from, in a nice and reasonably priced  apartment.

The next picture is of the TV tower which is next to Alexanderplatz station. This was a great landmark which Mary and I relied on many times in finding our way back home. 

This next one was a cool looking lane somewhere near Marketplatz (?). It's exposed wiring was a bit of an OH & S concern, but as it wasn't raining we thought that we would be ok to take a few quick photos.

This last photo is of an amazing looking S-bahn or U-Bahn station somewhere in Berlin.

related posts:

Click here to see the post with pics of the Eiffel Tower

Click here to see the post with pics of some signs from my trip to germany 2010

Faith and Trust

I was recently told that I need to have more ‘faith’ and ‘trust’. I probably do, I mean…what do I know of these things? I am being serious, me of all people, I who have little and lack much.

What is Faith? Some dogmatic beast that snarls, barks and bites, ensuring that all comply? Is it Institutionalistic brainwashing underpinned by a corporate governance style - the goal being financial gain and membership growth? Or is it something more personal? What faith do I have in myself, in my own abilities and qualities? My bravado is all a façade, a mask carefully constructed and worn with ease…. and trust? Ha !! I laugh uneasily at the concept. ‘Trust’, what is that? History tells me that it is something you give and is then broken… destroyed. We might start out in life with an abundance of it, but we quickly start to loose it, to lack it or simply no longer believe in it. Trust dwindles….The darker side of human life erodes it, Humph!!!   Faith and Trust?, I scoff at the concepts..at the fools who cherish them and hold these things dear. Wearing a mask of pride I hold my head high and I SCOFF!!! 

but somewhere

deep

down

inside of me,

hope flickers

and 

waits,

patiently.

The C word.

It is a word that makes people cringe, but why? Men, especially heterosexual men are prone to use it to insult others. Yet, while they use it as a put down, heterosexual men spend almost all of their lives trying to get close to, and inside of it. Most of us have come from it- of course we have, our mothers have one, as do our grandmothers and all the women in our family that have been and will be! The word is spat out as if it was a vile thing, not the soft and warm mound of living flesh that it is. Unsurprisingly it multi-tasks, well…as a defining part of the female of our species, one would expect no less!  It gets rid of liquid waste from the body, it can give intimate and erotic pleasure, it is part of the process of creating life and also in delivering it into the world. So why is the word seen and used as an offensive term?  I know people who double over cringing at the mention of it. Being who I am, I take great pleasure in using the word often around these people!! I see it as a way of reclaiming the word.  As an opportunity for us to examine why we react to it in the way that we do. Is it the pronunciation of the word? The imagery it creates? The socially constructed definition? Shouldn’t it be seen as a compliment? – ‘I love you, you are a c…’. Meaning -You give me pleasure; your life giving/ life creating; you’re a multitasker. This word has been twisted and used as a weapon against women, to make them feel ashamed of something that is an integral part of themselves. An integral part of our species, for without it we would not be here. Let’s reclaim it. Let us mention it often and do away with the harsh pronunciation, that hard ‘T’ sound, let’s pronounce it lovingly. Let’s have a ‘Love the cunt’ day, but most importantly, let’s do away with the shame. 

Smells like content

In an early blog ‘enjoy your worries....', I had a link to a piece of music by The Books. After listening to this piece I went back to another of their pieces, one that after many listens I still really like. It is called "Smells like content" (click here to watch the clip). While I have no idea what content might smell like, the official clip is very cool and the track has led me to reflect on where I am right now.


After recently going through a tumble drier of emotions: anxiousness, fear, excitement, trepidation, naming but a few, I have been able to place my worries to the side and just be. To live in acceptance that what is meant to be will be and that I am comfortable with ‘right now’. This is all temporary of course, I am no fool and under no illusion that doubt and fear will not creep back into my consciousness. I am after all only human, not some enlightened sage sitting atop a mountain in silent prayer and meditation. Though it may only be a matter of time before things change, right now it feels like content.

The Eiffel Tower

When i was overseas recently I took some pics of the Eiffel Tower.
This first one was taken as Mary, Eva and I went looking for a bottle shop to buy some Ricard to bring along to a picnic and game of pétanque we were invited to. Walking towards the bottle shop I came across this stunning view and quickly pulled the camera out.

 After playing, chatting and drinking for hours, my friend Mary and I tipsily wandered through the streets looking for the Eiffel Tower, when we did eventually find it, it was about 12.30am. 

It looked amazing all lit up, so huge and as I was a bit tipsy (ok, to be honest I was a bit more than tipsy by this point), everything seemed even more surreal. We eventually staggered back to our hotel, well..at least until our feet were too sore and we were too tired, so we caught a cab.

Some signs from my trip to germany 2010

On my recent worldwind tour, I was a good tourist, spent all of my money supporting local community and took a lot of photos. Here are four photos I took of signs I liked in Germany. The first one is 'Hansaplatz', which is in Berlin and I think it is a U-bahn station (or maybe a S-Bahn?). This is a favorite.

The next three signs are all from Munich. I have no idea what they say, but like them!

The next one, is such a cool old building with great blue tiles!! I also love the name of the business! I think this is a favorite as well!!

Lastly, this one according to a friend say's Glass and mirrors..

Enjoy your worries…..

I think of the blog posting I made-  "like a child waiting for christmas", and think about how I was not completely honest.. and it annoys me.. I was scared. I was scared to be honest with myself. I withheld a feeling- fear. To voice it is to make it real and I wasn’t ready to do so. I also withheld thoughts, possibly irrational, that relate to that fear. Thoughts of; ‘what if I don’t hear back ’, ‘maybe I haven’t heard back because something has happened?..an accident??  OMG!!!’, ‘what if they don’t want to talk to me anymore?’. This last one is the underlying one. The fear that we all have when we like someone, especially a new friend, will they/do they like us back?  One of the few things of ourselves that we can really give is our truth. Our truth, our honesty, is something precious. It can be scary to give this, doing so can leave us open to potential hurt or harm. But we need honesty in this world. Sure there are those that will abuse it, but I don’t believe that should stop us from being honest.

So I think about my fears…. my worries.. and a track by The Books called ‘enjoy your worries, you may never have them again’ springs to mind. Such lovely sentiment.  (Click here to watch it -I think this is a fan made clip/movie).

I think about my tendency to be slightly neurotic at times. I blame all those Woody Allen films I loved, all the episodes of ‘Seinfeld’ and ‘Curb your enthusiasm’ that have encouraged me, truth be told, I have seen them as an excuse to revel in neuroticism. So perhaps I shall try a different tack, and enjoy my worries instead of worrying over them. Doing so can only make me more at ease in being honest, especially with myself.

Like a child waiting for Christmas

I am a heavy sleeper and I love my sleep, probably more that I love a nice hot bath, if that is possible. Though I love a sleep in, I usually set an alarm for 9am. I listen to the news in bed, then get up. To sleep in any later than this gives me the feeling that I have wasted half of the day, which annoys me. The sleep-in is usually a weekend luxury. Currently I am not working, and this means I have gotten into the bad habit of being up until 1-2am, then sleeping in till 9am. The past few mornings something interesting has occurred. I have been waking up several times during the early hours of the morning, checking the time, thinking.. ‘its too early’ resuming sleep, then for some reason around 7am I am wide awake  wondering if I have received an email from someone who has been away on holiday.  Each of the past three days I have woken with anticipation, looking forward to reading a new email from this person, each of these days has been an email-less one. ‘Oh well’ I think, ‘they must still be away, or busy’. Though I feel a little saddened, excitement soon fills me again thinking that tonight or tomorrow I may hear!  I feel like a child at Christmas time, waiting for the presents to magically appear under the tree. Never knowing when or even if anything will arrive, but still there eager, hopeful and full of excitement.

Too afraid to love you

The Black keys…..

They are a band (or more correctly a Duo) that are one of those bands I really want to like.. but tend to like only a few tracks.. Their new LP ‘Brothers’, has a couple of tracks I really, really like.. and as a reward for procuring new employment I have ordered a few records for myself and this is one of them… It sounds different to their other Lp’s and hopefully it will be delivered soon!!!

One track in particular I really like is:

“Too afraid to love you”   (Click here to watch the clip)

“Too afraid to love you”- what an honest and common sentiment. To love is to give and to risk losing.. our heart, or pride… egos are bruised, some times crushed… and hearts?… hearts can be shattered into millions of tiny fragments, for hearts are fragile.. many of these fragments are lost…. As we walk heavily through the house, broken pieces fall off and slip under couches, behind cushions.. fall hidden in the grass outside.. perhaps one day, down the track when we are cleaning, we might come across a fragment or two.. but the truth is that hearts are impossible to put back together to how they once were.. 

What good is love then? I know you are thinking this, we all ask this question…. I have thought this myself on many an occasion… often in my darkest hour….But love.., Love heals.. It can fill us with something new, something different..It completes us….It softens once brittle hearts, It warms those once cold and left empty.

Love is the key that unlocks those hearts kept hidden.. hidden through fear of more hurt and suffering or because we are scared that if others see what our hearts look like they might run.. these hearts, once plump and glowing, now small and sickly, scarred through past experience and left to live in darkness.. our fears cause us to underestimate… when we love.. we have the power to love unconditionally… to pick up the scarred and shriveled heart of one we care for and kiss it tenderly, not with trepidation but with honesty and genuineness, to hold it gently, to love it as it is and to see it as beautiful, to let it feel again, to give it trust and allow it the opportunity to change if it wishes to. 

Love creates, love transforms, love allows us anything we want, to try, to strive, to fall, to fail, to get back up and on our bikes again..Love is magnificent. When we love, we live life… Sure love can make us anxious, excitable, scared, thrilled, delighted ..after all, “Will the other love me?’ This a fear we all share..But to love is to take a risk in gaining something that is absolutely priceless and absolutely essential. To be open to love, we need to take a leap of faith.. we need to trust in ourselves… We need to be true to ourselves, listen to our hearts, speak with them.. ask them is this what you want?, is this what we want?…  and then we need to bravely take that step… To love is not forever.. have no fear that you are locked into a lifetime agreement… you could love for a moment, a day, a night or much more. To love is to live in the moment and to be honest with yourself and the other. To love is to be open to what might be.

To not love, is to live something akin to life, but not life… and to live it in regret.

some lyrics to ‘too afraid to love you’

"Too Afraid To Love You"

“I just don't know what to do
I'm too afraid to love you”

“All those sleepless nights
And all those wasted days
I wish loneliness would leave me
But I think he's here to stay
What more can I do
I'm wringing myself dry”

When one F is never enough

Recently I was annoyed with a few people and out of my mouth came not one but two F words strung together in a short but powerful sentence!!!

‘You fucking fucker!!!’ I have no idea what this means. I have no idea why I said it- except that I was rather pissed off, and now I am enjoying and having fun saying it… it feels good, so be warned!!! Yes,  I am talking to YOU!, you fucking fucker!

p.s. you may want to cover the ears of babes and small children when next I am about!

The grinding rhythm of life

The grinding rhythm of life… we go onward and forward because we feel we have to.. we feel that we have to compete against others.. who are in return competing with us… but who are these others? Our neighbor, brother, sister, mother, or some imaginary figure?  we push ourselves and push ourselves, but the winner is not us, not you, not I, but business. Capitalism and the few who are rich are the winners……They race us all to the bottom of the pay ladder, making us compete amongst ourselves, lowering pay rates.. using our fear of lost income and job security against us, all with the excuse of ‘the business can’t make it and might need to shed staff or close’, ‘the market is not good at the moment’, ‘you need to do this for the team’ and ‘we need to band together and all make sacrifices’.. but is that ‘band together’ around the pool at their new holiday house this summer..or do they mean band together as employees to receive less money for more work being done and us working even harder? We march onwards and work harder, getting less for doing more.. yet we forget that without our productivity the employer has nothing.. we are fundamental to their wealth creation.. yet we allow them to twist our fears and insecurities against us, and we in turn are turned against each other….

for what?

Fear is used against us.. and if they only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.. then how did we allow ourselves to get here? And what are we going to do about it?

When might an honest and fair dialogue or exchange take place... and what would this look like?

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue (August 2010)

Something old

Nancy Wilson –“Face it girl, its over” (Live)

Nancy Wilson, AMAZING  Voice!!  One of her Lp's 'Today, Tomorrow, Forever', is one of my all time Sunday Morning Lp's. This song is the ‘he’s just not that into you’ of music. Did I mention she has an amazing voice??

some great lyric's in the piece-

“When he glances at his watch
And it isn't late
And you try hard to amuse him
And he doesn't concentrate

Just how plainly can he tell you
Does he have to shout out loud
Face it girl, its over

Whats the use in hanging on

As he slowly slips away from you

Don't go along for the ride
Keep some semblance of pride
Theres really nothing you can do”

Enough said!!!! Check out the live version of the tune (Click here to watch the clip)

Something new

The National- “Bloodbuzz Ohio”

Great mood, tight and brilliant drumming, great use of E-bow and the horns sound better in the live version, though the vocals needed to be a bit louder in the mix,  but it still ROCKS and i play this continuously in the car!!!

A selection of some great lyrical  imagery:

“I was carried

to Ohio in a swarm of bees.

I never married

But Ohio don’t remember me.”

“I still owe money

to the money

to the money I owe.”

“I never thought about love

when I thought about home.”

 live on jools holland-  (Click here to watch the clip)

Something borrowed

Lisa Mitchell- Romeo and Juliet (Dire straits cover).

Our own Lisa Mitchell, She is amazing, so talented, and what a lovely voice. She soundtracked part of my overseas trip this year. She does change some of the lyrics in the song and doesn't sing the whole 5-6 mins of it, but i think she makes this her own.

some of the brilliant lyrics: 

“Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold”

Lisa live on triple J's Like a version - (Click here to watch the clip)

Something blue

The 5, 6, 7, 8’s –  "I’m Blue"

The 5, 6, 7, 8's, do I need to say any more??? These women ROCK!!!! I don't care that i don't understand what they are saying, I just wish I could ROCK as much and as well as they do!! We need more woman rocking it with drums and guitars.

This Clip is from Kill Bill Vol 1 - (Click here to watch the clip)

'Expectations' Thoughts on Love pt 2 ( August 2010)

i- 

What do I expect from my love?, from love itself? Am I greedy to expect?, was I not raised to be grateful for what was given.. and yet in this most primal, yes, I believe that love is one of the  fundamental feelings, a fundamental emotional human response,  we have expectations. Some believe that my own expectations are too high, but I disagree, for I have met men that have met these ‘high expectations’. Current circumstances see me being single, but who is to say what may happen tomorrow, or in the next moment. In the past I had settled for less, and both of us had suffered. It was unfair and childish of me, needy even. Shouldn’t we have expectations… even of the most base thing… ie.. shared values etc… As a staunch non-smoker, why shouldn’t I choose to expect that the man I am with would be a non smoker.. if things changed during the course of our relationships, well that’s life and we discuss and deal with it. But back to love, what do we want from it? What do I want?

To love equally… to exchange in equal measure, to value and be valued, to be held and to hold. To love unconditionally and be loved the same. To be friends, to be lovers, to be there for each other, to be companions sharing life- I reclaim this word from those that see it as an insult, as a descriptor of a partnership in which love has since long gone.

ii-

My love is my other. Though I am complete, my other is the part of me that I never realized was missing till we met. My other and I compliment each other. I can’t help but smile when I see my other, for his presence lights me up. There is no expectation that my other would be with me for the rest of my lifetime, it would be lovely, but unrealistic, so I make the most of the time we do have together. I put the need of my other before my own needs, not because it is expected, but because I want to and I do so without a thought. This is love. To give without expectation. To be open and honest, to be free of fear, my other and I do not reject, we embrace, respect and support each other. We accept the person, but not necessarily all behavior, we can distinguish between the two and we create a dialogue. My other and I live a shared life as well as our own lives. We are individuals, whilst being a couple.   My other and I are love. Together we create it. Not in a spectacular ‘big bang’, origin of the universe kind of way, but in our own way, privately.

iii-

Perhaps these are high standards, high ideals for another to live up to. But I have been blessed before and believe I will one day be blessed again. Perhaps I am blessed now, but am unaware. Perhaps he is here already, temporarily in another guise, that of friend, acquaintance or neighbor? Perhaps instead of pondering, daydreaming of what might be, typing my thoughts up, locked away inside, I should get out into the day. In the midst of winter’s chillness, of days painted grey and trees stripped bare, today we are delivered a perfect sunny midwinter’s day. It is life affirming. The sun shines warmly, the sky is clear and blue. It buzzes with joy and possibility. Birds chirp and fly about embracing this warm gift. Perhaps instead of pondering I should get out and experience life, let the sun’s warmth fall over me as I engage with everything and everyone. Perhaps I need to get out into the world and make myself available for what ever might be.

And so I shall.


Click here to be taken to "thoughts on love pt 1 (August 2010)"

Against happiness: in praise of melancholy

I have received my first unemployment payment so have brought a book!! YAY!!!!  Books I must point out are a real luxury item..so I am being a devil!! The book is called ‘Against happiness’ by Eric G.Wilson. I have yet to fully read it, but have read the intro and chapter one and so far I am really enjoying it. The premise is that Melancholia is a normal and great muse!! I smile because I feel it is true, I have been at my most creative when filled with sadness. When I am happy, I am in the moment, enjoying it, not thinking or worrying about anything else, for that would distract me from my happiness. Really, what motivation is there for me to do otherwise? But, when I am feeling melancholic… I know I reflect, explore, think, feel, express and look for change. I ponder on who I am, where I am at, why, and where do I want to be. I wouldn’t be who I am today without melancholia. God bless it.

I must state that the writer makes a distinction between melancholia and depression. He understands the need for medication for those who are suffering depression, but he feels there is too much pressure in the U.S.A. for people to be happy. In fact he feels that there is an expectation of happiness and wonders if some people might be unnecessarily taking anti-depressant medication because they feel they are not ‘happy’, therefore they must be depressed, but in fact they may be melancholic. He sees melancholia as a natural part of a full life.- “I for one am afraid that our American culture’s overemphasis on happiness at the expense of sadness might be dangerous, a wanton forgetting of an essential part of a full life”. I agree wholeheartedly with him, we shouldn’t expect to be happy all of the time and it is perfectly normal to feel sad sometimes. 

“Surely we don’t want to settle for this one-sided world, this lopsided existence. Surely we want to develop full and capacious hearts capable of experiencing….If we don’t foster comprehensive hearts such as these, then we run the risk of living as abstractions, phantoms, ghost with no gusto for life.”

Bravo!!! I say.

“Against happiness: in praise of melancholy”- Eric G. Wilson. (2008) ISBN -10: 0-374-53166-8

Thoughts on Love pt 1 ( August 2010)

I keep thinking about ‘love’. I don’t mean thinking about it all the time, as in every moment of everyday, but over the years I keep coming back to it. 

What is love? How do we define it? What are our expectations of it and where do these expectations come from? How do we tell if we are ready for love?

How do we measure love? How do we actually ‘love’ or know if we are doing it? Do we need love, or can we live it's absence? If we can live without love, is it healthy to do so?

 Are the answers to our questions on love found in books, in meditation or thought? Are they found in solitude, or with others? Are the answers personal, shared, or communal answers? Are they discovered though dialogue or through experience?

Is love like modern conceptual art?- where the idea of the piece is often better than the realisation. Is love a destination or the journey? Is love clichéd and all that Hollywood tells us it is or should be? Is love a koan? whereby the meaning is accessible by intuition rather than reason (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C5%8Dan). 

Is love an ideal, something we can never attain, but keep striving for? Is love bigger than everything else, a concept so huge that we cannot begin to understand or make sense of it?

Is love what we make of it?

Is love what we allow it to be, what we give shape and context to?

Is love an extension of ourselves,

an expression?

Is it imbued within us from birth, or created by us as we engage with the world?

Are we ‘love’?


Click on this link to take you to " 'expectations' thoughts on love pt 2 (August 2010)" 

growing old together

Today I was at a local café stopping for a sandwich as I ran some errands and noticed two elderly men sitting at a table. They were quiet, and had a look of contentedness.  When they had finished and decided that it was time to leave, they struggled up out of their seats, slowly reaching for their coats to put back on. After what seemed a long and awkward struggle, success finally came and the men glanced at each other and smiled warmly with a sense of achievement, the look they exchanged seemed to say ‘we did it!’

They may well have been friends, or just met, but I would like to imagine that they are partners and have grown old together, sharing a lifetime of love. In their frailness, their love gives them strength. In their later years of life, they have each other and that is all the really matters.

How lovely it would be

to grow old

with someone that you love.

Netcheck- to google or not to google

To google or not to google is the question. To be your own private detective and find out what you can about the unsuspecting. Is there some expectation that if the information is ‘out there’ on the net, then it is in the public domain and therefore the public have a right to view it? What if a persons details or information are published without consent or against their wishes, or if they have no choice (ie workplaces might post a profile of them including their role, Newspapers might print articles about events, awards and recognition.. etc you get the point), or the person might not be that I.T. savvy and may not understand that once they post something it is ‘out there’ and good luck trying to reclaim it and control its use and spread. ....

Some people I spoke with recently casually commented that they google people all the time, ‘netcheck’ is the label I have given it. These people see no issue in wanting to know more about the person who is dating their friend, or even in finding out info on their friends or work colleagues for that matter. The only issue that arises is when you are told something you already know, do you state ‘yeah I read that online’ and ruin their moment of sharing, or do you deceive them and act as if this was the first time you had heard this? ‘wow !! thats amazing I had no idea’..  (drum roll…….) and the academy award for best actor/actress goes to…….

The internet: instant, full of up to date, truthful and accurate information, so why not use it, especially to assist you in important matters. Has this become the modern way to form an impression of a person? Let’s dispense with the actual meeting and dialogue, netchecking helps you form your first impressions. It is almost as if we are bypassing our morals, our personal and cultural code of ethics… Where we might see it as being an invasion of privacy to go through our neighbors’ garbage bags, awaiting collection- sitting publicly on the nature strip, we have no qualms in using the internet to find out all we can. Is this because it is often done behind closed doors, in the safety of our homes and importantly- no one can see us doing it or knows what was done, so this makes it ok? Besides, everyone is doing it! ....

I met a man recently on a trip on the other side of the world, and yes am a little infatuated with him..can you blame me? He is full of lovely qualities, and handsome as well. Jackpot!!! We have been exchanging emails and though he is a private person, he has been sharing some personal things about himself. Recently he shared something that made me want to know more about him..so I googled him. Yeah, I know… everyone else is doing it, so I thought why not! and I am at home with the curtains drawn, no one will see me.  As soon as I hit the search button I felt that I had betrayed him.  I felt even worse (If it was possible), once I realized that the info that was posted on line, wasn’t from him, wasn’t from a site of his own, wasn’t from a public blog or a social networking site he was on and spewing forth info- for all to see. The info that was posted was from employers, academic institutions and media. He is a distinguished professional and what was posted was his story, his story to share with whom he chose, when he chose, if at all. What right did I have to seek out information about him in this manner? My motive for doing this?.. purely to sate my curiosity, which makes the fact that I did this, even worse. I felt as if I had broken his trust for he is a private man and in essence I snuck into his world and searched out, brazenly unraveling his story. I stole from him his opportunity to disclose.  'Stealing'- Is there any other way to describe netchecking?....

Is netchecking one step away from hiring a private detective? and if not why? How are we justifying this invasion of privacy to intentionally search without permission, just because we can and are curious, does this mean we should and even have a moral right to?   If the sanitation department listed the contents of peoples garbage bags they had collected and posted this information online, would that make rummaging through your neighbours garbage bags acceptable? Where do we draw the line and reconnect with our sense of morality? Why don’t we just talk? ask questions, be genuinely surprised by what we are told and let others decide on what they are comfortable sharing about themselves.

"It's like watching the detectives" (elvis costello), or is it like peeping through windows and  watching the dishonest steal?.

cold clinical institutions Vs Billy Bragg, music, class and humanity - (old post, originally from 15-04-2007)

I sit here and ponder the art of blogging. I should be writing up a lab report on something i have no interest in, yet it will contribute significantly towards my grade on a subject at uni, which in turn will go towards a  final grade, with which people will view my academic ability by, for years to come.

Its sad, so cold- so clinical. So inaccurate of actual ability and more reflective of a person's ability or inability to engage with a topic, or content or teaching method... where is the warmth and tenderness of the human heart?.. the human spirit? where is intuition and emotional understanding? We need the milkman of human kindness to leave an extra pint (lyric by Billy Bragg).

I need to clear my head and go for a walk. I grab my discman and the CD/LP 'Workers Playtime' by Billy Bragg. An LP that is tender, warm and humanely honest. It is a persons journey through relationships and life. Exploring aspects of himself from within and from the perspective of the other gender. I love this LP. I have listened to it so many times. A friend gave me a copy of it on cassette. I loved it so much I then went on to buy it on CD. I have raved about it on air , when i was presenting on community Radio, and often to my friends. I am still raving about it right now. Not only have i connected to it, but many others have, and on many levels. I have had people who know of my love and passion for music, come up to me to tell me about an amazing new LP they have discovered.. Billy Bragg's 'Workers Playtime'. I smile knowingly as we both reach an understanding without saying another word.

Music is a refuge in which we can explore life, dreams, hopes, feelings, in which we can cry, laugh, love, remember, reflect, live, dare and find solace and understanding in. It has the power to unite and connect us on many levels. 

How do we bridge the gap between cold clinical institutions and the warmth of human emotions... through music?.. do we simply utilise music as a tool or means to get us through? Or do we dare to go further and learn from the connection people make with music and somehow transfer that into the realm of the institution and especially that of education? Is it about remembering how to connect again to our emotions and spirit? How do we bring a sense of our humanity to the clinical realm and allow people to engage deeply and emotionally,  instead of only on a superficial mental level?  Can we? Will the powers that be allow us? Or does It threaten their expertise? 

The milkman of human kindness is a blue collar worker who understands emotional need. Who would slip you an extra pint if you needed it. Institutions are run by white collar people who often loose sight of the human condition in their endeavors to increase share price and profit margins, boost productivity while miminising FTE. In this time of globalisation and Post or High modernity ( depending on your belief), class seems to be forgotten, as does the fact,  that at the end of the day, we are all people who feel, bleed, breathe, live and need to feel loved, accepted and understood. Do we need to reacknowledge the ignored class distinctions and lines that still exist, before we can learn from each other? I don't know... I do know that either way,  if you feel poorly, it won't stop the milkman of human kindness from understanding, reaching out and leaving an extra pint ( lyric by Billy Bragg)

p.s. The song: "The milkman of human kindness" is not on the 'Workers Playtime' LP. I discovered it on the brillant compilation of Billy Bragg early ep's "Back to Basics"

I must thank my good friend and comrade Dr Classic for introducing me to Billy Bragg's music and talking me to see him on several occasions when he was here playing live.